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I just came in from lunch and was talking to one of the girls who is in a similar situation to mine and she was talking about going out dancing last weekend. I have asked her repeatedly to go out and she always says no. Then I come to find out that a large group from work had a "girls night out". I had been asking for months when they were going to do it because I wanted to go really bad. So they went last Saturday. I am trying really hard not to cry, I know they all (some more than others) knew very well that I had been wanting to go. This is the umpteenth time I have been shunned/snubbed at work and I'm not sure if it's because I'm a "yankee" in their eyes or if there's just something freaking WRONG with me because nobody seems to take any interest in being my friend no matter how hard I try. Ok, crying now. It has been 2 years TWO YEARS and I have not been able to make one solid friend here. I have NO family here, and I'm feeling REALLY REALLY sorry for myself right now.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?????
I really just want to get up and go home right now. Mostly because I am pretty sure no one would notice (honestly) and secondly because I'm really hurt. I haven't been out in almost a year! No one to go with. Friday's my birthday and guess what? It'll be me and the kids
Oh Cgirl, I know exactly what you are saying...that totally sucks. I have been here for going on three years and just this last weekend I had a potential girlfriend invite me over for dinner...it was a freaking land mark!! No way no one from either of my 2 jobs would ever invite me out, I just know that because of how things are here. It is very possible that they are excluding you because you are an outsider, lots of people do this. This is why I am excluded from my co-workers activities. But I accepted this awhile ago. I know its not fair but its not about anything to do with you, in a way- its about how closed minded they are. Anyone who might be an "outsider" would be treated the exact same way, I bet.
Its their stupid loss. I am also in a very isolated place with no family and no friends. Its very very hard. Harder than I thought it would be. i did not think it would be this bad but it is! I am learning a new appreciation for certain friends and family members (not others, in some ways I am glad to be gone from others).
I spend a lot of time on the phone with certain people from back home, like my sister. We connect twice a week or so. she and I are very close. I also have two girlfriends- one in Santa Fe and one in Minneapolis I talk to weekly. My al-anon meetings are just barely beginning to provide me with a person or two I could maybe go out and have coffee/tea with. This is after being in the program for 17 months and attending 2-3 meetings per week.
Hang in there. I know its not YOU. You would be a blast to go out with, I would if I could! But I know how it feels and how lonely it can be. I am glad that you post here and share your life with me/us. It will get better- I would not expect anything from the co-workers, it does sound like an insider/outsider thing which there is not a single thing you can do anything about- and again, its their loss. Take care and hugs, J.
I have worked at the same place for 13 years. The woman who owns the place and I are best friends (on a certain level). This hoiday I guess she had a party and invited the other 3 girls who work with us. They are all married. They all brought their husbands. I will assume the reason I was not invited is that I am alone. That's ok, she's kinda like that. It's her, not me. Or rather, it is me and the situation I am in. Whatever. It stings a bit but it's over. If I get thru this year, I'll be lucky.I know it's hard, it's a struggle. Who needs em? You have us and yes, we are only cyber friends but we count! I would rather be alone these days so, making friends hasn't been a priority. There's always church, alanon, YMCA, community college courses, PTA, or just dropping off and picking up at school, walking the dog, just a few places I have made friends. I guess accepting the reality that you don't really want friends like that anymore. They sound like bitches. You WANT more drama? LOL! Just do your job, and then do your thing. You are an incredible woman. I would guess that they are NOT incredible women and are scared to hang with you because then they would see just how un-incredible they are comapred to YOU!!!!
Dangit !! I wish we could come and get you and party like it's 1999. Is there any of them you know well enough to ask why?... or if you were purposely excluded? I'm only saying that so if there is "something" maybe it could be rectified. Sorry that happened. We loveya! Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
I am passed the going out partying thing, but I do know what it is like to be excluded because you are not the same as everyone else, or you come from out of town, or you are of the wrong ethnic origin, or you don't wear blue jeans, or you DO wear a dress...need I go on?
It is now 15 years since I moved into this house and I am still not accepted in this neighbourhood, simply because I don't speak 'the same language'...I do speak English I just don't speak the lingo...and they see me as the interloper who should not be here 'cos I went to university and I am educated and I don't swear...however, I just keep being me and say hello and smile and ask how they are when there is trouble or the doctor or the ambulance comes into the street and go to see if I can help.
Still, I am not invited to get togethers and I simply accept that as their loss. I am not sure I would really enjoy them anyway, but it is hurtful 'cos I love people and I would love to be included and made to feel I matter.
What does matter now is that I am civil, kind, and do not do to them as they do to me. I have asked them over for a mince pie at Christmas and their children always asked if they could come and play in my garden when I was out there doing my garden and I used to make biscuits for the children.
Nothing will change, but so what, I will continue to be pleasant and have, for the most part got over it. You cannot make all people like you and interact with you, however, those that do like you will interact with you genuinely and not for the sake of looking good.
I would be the first in the queue to ask you out for a girly night if we were in the vicinity, but hey, do not get to despondent, their actions says more about them than they do about you. You are a great girl to be hurting so much from their immature actions.
There that's my tuppen'eth for what it's worth.
Hugs HB
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"The highest form of wisdom is kindness." The Talmund
I share a something similar to your problem. I have been in my current job position for almost 8 years now...and rarely 'click' with other women. Therefore, I have been out of party invites, wedding showers, baby showers, Christmas parties, etc. And most of the time, these people that do all the planning are very much aware that they have 'left someone out.'
I have accepted that some people are just flat rude to feelings of another individual. I am not saying that I accept what their choice is in leaving a co-worker out and that it is alright to do so. I am saying, however, that maybe their drama of finding 'the right group(s) or person(s)' to mingle with might not be something that I would like to be involved in. This might be better for you--even though you'd like to go out and have the chance to be 'included.'
Try to fight anger and resentment for their mistake of not inviting a 'Yankee,' that is probably full of more fun than a stadium full of Sox fans on a Friday night! It is their loss. Social situations like this are all over the place...and is not your fault. It has nothing to do with you. But it does have everything to do with them being rude.
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Keep love in your heart. A life without it is like a sunless garden when the flowers are dead.
well you've made some really solid friends here in this room. You are one of the mainstays here. I know for me as a codependent (recovering) I can feel totally out of it most of the time. I know for me certainly my huge sense of loneliness was one of the reasons I stuck with the A. Right now I'm numb and I know that won't last forever. You have achieved so much in the past year separating from him, moving, restablishing yourself. Your life does not have to be perfect. I feel incredibly lonely most of the time and the other part totally exhausted. I have no money to go out much and I'm in fear the rest of the time. I know I will have to work on this.
Be kind to yourself. You deserve a nice birthday. I try not to think that people deliberately exclude me. I also try not to be out there as raw as I am. I can take exception to everything.
Who really knows why some people leave us out?? I've heard it said that it's none of our business what other people think of us. Very true.....but ouch it stings, doesn't it?
Some groups are wound so tight that it leaves little or no room for an "outsider". Or perhaps (just maybe) you're giving off "I'm not like you" vibes? I know I'm guilty of that sometimes. And sometimes my shyness comes off as aloofness. And then there are those times that I'm trying too hard. If that's maybe the case with you, perhaps try playing it a little cooler with the group. Be less "available" to them. (Sounds like years ago advice for snagging a man!! lol) But I think it's all applicable - even when trying to snag a friend. Finally, you have to ask yourself if you'd really want to be friends with people who would "snub" you. What's the benefit for you? My days of twisting myself into a pretzel to please or win over someone are long gone, and when I see that behavior creeping back, I get real concious of it.
CG - I KNOW that it feels crappy to face another birthday alone. But - find comfort in the fact that you DO have your children. What a blessing!!! So you're not alone at all. And I guarantee you that we'll be here, too. We love ya!
Just because they didn't invite you doesn't mean it has anything to do with you. I had this same experience and when I didn't need their friendship to be happy is when they started coming around. You have the opportunity to be your own best friend right now. This too shall pass. I love you!!! Sending you the biggest hug straight from Maryland!
I wish I could give you a real live hug. As to having no friends, you have a family right here.
It most certainly is not you, though, they are being totally selfish and unkind. To me you are a person who is worth knowing. Sometimes people are just too caught up in their own little clique. I feel very sorry for them, it is their loss.
When all is said and done, I can think of no one else I would rather spend my birthday with other than my daughter. ( I have only one child) I will pray for you to have the Happiest Birthday you have ever had. You DESERVE it!!!!
Remember above all you are loved by all of us here.
Love and Blessings,
Claudia
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A person's a person no matter how small --Dr Suess
All I know is all I can control is me. I worked in the teaching profession, talk about people snubbing each other.
I got to where I did not want to be part of their stuff. I am not into gossip or racial jokes or who wears what.
Hon the way I have found friends are made,is doing something I like or love.Then someone comes along and we click.
You have not said you really feel you have clicked with any of them.
Is there something you are into that you could do for fun, but also meet others? Parks and rec does walks and all kinds of things, I met one of my best friends becuz we both do animal rescue.
Are their places there where you can go drink coffee or whatever and listen to music? I mean so you might go alone or with the kids? My brother met his wife at something like that. He saw her and after a few times he walked over and talked to her.
LOL well her one child has prader willie syndrome. He must have been six or so, her cute girl is oh four. Their first date was a picnic with the kids. Well the boy threw his shoes into the lake and the girl pooed her pands.lol she was sure he would never call again.They have been married for at least fifteen years.
It works the same way with friends. Volunteering at places is a great way too. I think it helps to have fun what ya do, and meeting others just happens. one of my best buds of gads over twenty five years, is now a pediatrician and we met at a funky co op we started in our town.He is great.
met so many friends from being on pot bellied pig listservers. We actually meet and have pignics. We are talking people from Africa, and other countrie too.
Maybe you don't really want to know what makes them exclude you. You know it could simply be that they each have one or two they have clicked with so they feel comfy going together.You just have not clicked with anyone yet. I doubt it is you at all.
Do you feel comfortable enough to ask the one gal, who talked to you, "hey how come no one told me about it?" Just put it out there. No emotions, just that ya want to know.
You may not realize the vibes ya put out. We don't now how others see us. People always think becuz I a mellow and let things roll off me, I don't tell others what to do, am not critical, as I am weak. they would never raise their voice at me or get into controversy with me.
When in truth I am very strong, have very strong views. I also LOVE controversy as I like to hear all sides. I don't have to argue becuz I am only responsible for me. If someone shares and I think wow that could be true,then cool.
What I mean is you could dress more conservative and they may never think you would want to go out and goof around. Are most of the single with no kids?
Anyway we take it how we choose to. I have always been unique and eccentric.I am not afraid to be me. So I do bring a live turkey for my students for Thanksgiving? so? So I do keep the lights off in my classroom? So I really like kids at risk?
Did I get invited to their martini parties or whatever? no. I don't care. Did i get invited to take the handicapped kids to this cool water park and to museums and swimming? YES.
Hon look at YOU. All the great parts of you. see where ya fit. I am used to being a square peg. I mean who wouldn't rather go ride your horse than go to a stupid pep ralley??hahaha but others would want to go...
I hope this helps.I KNOW you have some great qualities, their loss
Working with people does not necessarily give us things in common, other than our jobs/workplace. Besides, it takes time for real friendships to grow. It starts out small and develops with a solid foundation. The friendships that last are the ones that take the longest to establish.
Have you tried volunteering in your area doing something of interest to you? Animal shelter, senior citizen center, any of your children involved in clubs, the school PTA? I have made lasting friendships being involved in activities other than just my routine work. Since I am an animal lover, I got involved in volunteering at our local animal (actually it is a ferret) shelter. I've also continued to keep friendships with many of the moms that I got to know through our school PTA (since the late 80's, early 90's).
Many of us cannot afford the extra time in our lives to give precious time outside our homes/children/families. But even just volunteering one evening a week or perhaps one weekend a month can open many doors to lasting friendships.
Having something of interest with another person is the common denominator to starting and building on a very good, strong friendship.
Since you are new to an area, this can take time. Patience. I'm certain that as times goes on, you will begin to make many friends. You are very worthy of good friends who will be honored to be your friends.
