The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Well, so here we are just as I predicted. EXDIL just called me and said in response to all my earlier NO statements: "Well, that's OK if you don't drop him off. Which night do you want to pick him up TU or W to visit with him from 3:30 to 7?" I said, "Well, we would like to continue picking him up each afternoon." She said,"Well, I prefer to pick him up (a first) and you need to pick a night" I asked if she was now only allowing us to see him one time a week. She said NO, just pick a night. At that point I broke and couldn't speak. I knew that would happen..I've been totally ruined by all this. I have basically lost everything including my son. He and I will never again have a relationship like we once did and he and his father can barely talk. It is so sad. I don't know what to do now except the only thing I know. We must list this house, leave it in a bad real estate market, and get the heck out of this awful awful place and back to our old home where we had some peace. The house is gone but we can rent another until we know what to do next. We moved here at HER pleading to be a family here and help raise this child. I was taken in head over heels. How could I have been so stupid? I would advise anyone NEVER MOVE JUST BECAUSE YOUR CHILDREN WANT YOU CLOSE BY. I don't know how I can handle losing this grandchild but I do know I refuse to be told I can see him ONE night a week. This is not normal. This child loves and adores us and has spent more hours with us than with his parents. I know because I kept a daily journal, very detailed. Are you all going to tell me he is too young to notice that we are not seeing him now? I guess he will forget us in time, but how very very tragic this all is.
Oma - certainly don't know all the details of this - but I know I would prefer seeing my grandchild once a week to never again. "Never again" would tear me apart! Please take a breath before doing anything so drastic. What does your son say about all of this? Does he have input? You need to slow down and THINK. First things first - and it sounds like you need to calm down a bit before you can even get to that first thing. No decisions have to be made today.
Believe me, after having my grandchildren in my life, only to be ripped back out of it over and over, I understand your anguish.
However, I finally reached a point where I realized it was more important for me to spend what time I could get with them rather than to remain angry over people I had no control over-namely my alcoholic/addict daughter, and her apathetic now ex-husband who has custody of the kids.
I also sincerely hope you will rethink your decision to move.
I cherish the few moments that I do get with my grandchildren. It's about them, not me.
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"If a dog will not come to you after having looked you in the face, you should go home and examine your conscience." - Woodrow Wilson
No, I am not going to tell you the three-year-old is too young to notice all the strife in the family. He isn't and he does. But, as a custodial parent, she can call the shots, which seems exactly what she is doing. Gandparents, unfortunately, don't have much legal standing in most states. Perhaps you would be better to go back whence you came, and start afresh there. Perhaps you will find peace back home. Being so torn apart by this is not doing anyone, least of all you, any good at all.
I wish I could be more positive; alas I cannot think of comforting words.
I do wish you well.
Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
When you asked if she was saying you could only see him once a week, she said No. I take that to mean No, she's not saying that. Maybe she has something else in mind, who knows? If you feel you would be better off moving then seeing your Grandchild that decision is truly your choice.
Are we all going to say he won't notiice you aren't seeing him? I don't get the point of that question. We all have real wide shoulders, if you need to blame "us all" for what has transpired it's ok. But I don't think anyone will take it on.
If you had always seen your grandchild once a week, then once a week would be normal and routine. Change is ever present in our lives and we have to adjust to it..or not. The choice is all yours.
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Alanon teaches us to focus on our own part in what is happening. So, when things get crazy, there are some questions we can ask ourselves.
Is there anything I am doing here which is contributing to the chaos? Am I stating my boundaries clearly, and holding to them? Am I saying what I mean, and meaning what I say? Am I trying to manipulate others into doing what I want them to do, rather than allowing them the dignity of their own choices? Am I keeping things in perspective - how important is it?
Can't think of any others just now, but you know the kind of thing. If we focus our attention, honestly, on our own end of things, and work to improve and make amends for the parts we didn't do so well on, there is a lot less room for the insanity and drama.
I'd say there are two important things for you to keep in mind here - your own health and serenity, and what is best for the child. Everything else is secondary, and a lot of it is someone else's problem. There are many aspects of this situation that you just don't have control over, but you DO control your reaction to them.
Seems like you are right in the middle of the insanity. You call it drama and it is real. This is only some of what alcoholism and addiction can cause...only some. It reads like you are projecting into the future and we can only really live in the moment. I sounds like you believe that life is irrevocably broken and there isn't any real "never" "ever" "always" etc. When you live in those finalities most asuredly of the outcomes there is absolutely nothing a HP can do for you and if you had an HP and your HP was working for a better outcome you would not recognize the outcome. Running in this program is doing a "geographical" changing locations in hope of positive change. If we are part of the problem and also part of the solution we take the problem with us along with the opportunity to be part of the solution.
Since you are sooo new to the program the original suggestion stands. Get to face to face Al-Anon meetings. Sit down, listen, learn and practice practice practice. One of the least things that may happen is that you don't react so deeply and quickly to not getting your expectations met.
Alcoholism affects everyone it comes into contact with including your EXDIL. I know that is an acronym. I know that it hardly recognizes that she also is deeply affected by the disease. She is a human being; a child of God, the mother of your grand-son, you daughter-in-law, the wife of an alcoholic who has just relapsed and kinda, sorta set off a bomb in the middle of her livingroom and yours, she is more than that also much more just as you and the rest of the family is...and you are all victims of the disease. Our step 3 says, "We came to believe that a power greater than ourselves can lead us to SANITY." Thats what it also took for me, a power greater than me and who I thought I was as I tried to determine how the disease would work it's way out to fulfill my expectations. That has never worked other than in illusion.
Suggestion: You and your husband look for the Al-Anon hotline number in the local phone book. If it is not there call AA Central Office in your area and inquire where Al-Anon meeting are and then get to as many as you can over the next 90 days before making any decisions. You may have made a mistake in coming to where you are at now. The solution would be better had with a sane and sober mind. Just my input. This is a cunning, powerful and baffling disease. If not arrested by total abstinence it is fatal or results in insanity or both. Go with recovery suggestions. Don't React!!
Wow, I wish I could just read responses without feeling more hurt. But I do and that is my problem I know. Per Christy's statement about "are you blaming us all"....sorry if that was how I was interpreted. Of course there is no blame of anyone on this site. What I meant was that I have had responses already telling me the grandbaby in question is too young to understand or be affected by this stuff. I don't agree, but perhaps that is correct and I just don't get it. Sorry if I offended anyone else.
In the cold light of Monday morning and a rough and sleepless night, I will start the week trying to deal with my husband's illness first and foremost.
Secondly, EXDIL did make it to work only 8 minutes this morning. Yes, she is cutting our time with grandbaby from daily M-F afternoons to one day 3:30-7......the math works out the same, but the emotional stuff doesn't. What does she have in mind? According to the responses here, I shouldn't worry about that and concentrate only on the grandchild. I thought that was what I was doing. I have never been so confused in my life. Never.
When I re-read my original post it embarrasses me and I cringe at how trivial it sounds. Absolutely trivial and crazy and stupid. I quite obviously need to get over myself and stop the drama in its tracks. I know I can do that, but I had hoped to find some solutions we could all live with. Don't think that is possible. Of this dysfunctional group of 4 adults involved, only one can be happy. That would be EXDIL. She is holding the ace card. .
I rather think that EXDIL is no happier than anyone else who emeshed in this unfolding drama. SHe is fighting back in the way that is most hurtful to you; her weapon is the child. There is obviously nothing you can do or say to change the tenor of circumstances, so perhaps it is time to concentrate on getting yourself extricated from all that is swirling around. AlAnon can show you the way to do that if you will open your mind and heart to its teachings.
Sending you every peaceful thought,
Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
I just caught up on your last two posts. I feel like you are reacting to your dil reactions. When that happened in our family it lead to one big over-reaction. Why not just keep your focus on what you want. To see your grand child. The schedule seems to change weekly. From nothing to more than you can handle. The nothing is when she is reacting...the more than you can handle is when reality is right in front of her face and she needs help.
When I started out in alanon I resisted going to meetings. I didn't post so much on this board but I spent a huge amount of time in the chatroom. I didn't find real serenity until I got to some meetings and started working an alanon program. I taught me how to get out of the react - over react game... How not to jump into another persons drama.
Also keep in mind there are alot more choices available to you than pulling up stakes and selling you home in a bad market than you are seeing right now. Some how when we play the drama rama game we get stuck into seeing one or two choices. Goodness there are so many more choices in this world than that! Alanon's best suggestion, Don't make any life changing decisions until u have given alanon a chance for 6 months.
If your dil does stick to this new program a while it would open you up to attend meetings. As a person who was raised in all of it, I surely could have benifited from someone going to a meeting or two. I would have loved them sharing some alanon wisdom with me. What a wonderful gift for your grandson!
My prayers are with you omajoy. Divorce isn't easy on anyone in the family. God bless,
