The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Just finished keeping my grandchild for three days/nights while his mother went out of state to funeral of her grandmother. Son here to help us...no problems. Everyone fine.
Last night EXDIL called to say the following: "I need to make some changes. I need for you to take _____ to school day-care) each morning. Have to start getting to work on time and can't do it getting him ready and dropped off. I want to drop him at 7:30 and you take him by 9:00. I will get him in the afternoons and on Wednesdays you can get him at 3:30 and keep him until 7 so his dad can have a block of time visit. Also I have been waiting for you to make some proposals about weekend visitation."
If this sounds reasonable to everyone, it does sound reasonable. Trouble is, there was nothing ever discussed. Just telling me what to do. I said I would get back to her. I called son to see if he knew about this; NO, she won't talk to him. He blew up about it since he was seeing child daily here for about an hour. Weekends no; mother won't let him go to her house. She told me "I don't want to be bothered with him anymore."
I have usually done every single thing she has asked me to do. We have paid the child's tuition when son had no money for his turn. We have kept him for her to go on two vacations this year, kept him when she worked late or had social events, kept him early morning and took to school. But I have had enough. My husband and I are not able to do the early morning/take to school. Mornings are my worst time of day and I take about two hours to get myself walking normally. It takes meds, hot shower, and stretches. I use a cane anyway, but the leg where I had cancer lost lots of muscle and it affects every part of my body. I just cannot handle mornings and my husband has been housebound except for doctor's appts for over a month now. More of that to come with appts this week and looking for solutions. I told her we wanted to continue picking him up afternoons at 3:15 as we have done daily. Well, I am doing it alone now, but managing.
I have said NO for the first time. I am dreading the consequences. I said NO to the daily school taking (she drives right past that school, but wanted him here for me to get dressed and fed and then driven). I said NO to any weekend visitation schedules. I want to be a normal grandparent, not a guard to protect the child from non-existent danger from his father. Doesn't happen; never did. It is just too much. Now I wait for the fall-out. I am sure I will suffer from this decision. I am sure I will post again to let you know the outcome,,,that is, if you want to. Many of the responses I have had here keep telling me I am too angry and nothing I can do about this stuff...out of my control. I know I am angry! I also know about my control issues. But I don't ask for all this. It just keeps getting dumped onto me and I have to deal with what is dumped.
Wow Oma! You're doing what you need to do!!! OK - so there's likely to be some "fallout" or reaction. OK. Every action has a reaction. DIL is trying to use you as a pawn in her situation with your son. The deeper you allow yourself to be in it, the worse it will be for you ultimately. This "NO" is a definite step in the right direction. Your grandchild has parents. These parents are adults. And unless the child is in physical danger, its best to let the parents figure out what to do. Parenting is hard. They need to realize that - and step up.
And I do understand your anger. Who wouldn't be? I don't think anyone's judging you here. Just observing. My guess is, if we love an alcoholic, then we've all experienced a lot of anger. It's all in what you do with it.
Keep doing what you're doing. Stay strong. Keep to a firm boundary. You're doing it!!!!! :)
Well, it seems to me that 'no" is a reasonable response, when asked to do something that doesn't work for you. It doesn't have to be the first salvo in a war.
For me, I have found it useful, when I have to say no to someone who is not good at taking it, to spell out what I *am* willing to do. "Sorry, mornings just won't work for me, as they are my most difficult time physically. I'm OK with the proposed changes to the afternoons though. Would keeping him an extra couple hours on any other evening help you out?" or whatever. It will be hard for her to be confrontational with you, if you refuse to notice any confrontational behaviour on her part.
Remember, she needs you as much as or more than you need her - child care that exactly fits her needs is not easy to find. As long as you don't escalate, or read more into her overtures than is really there, things are likely to work out. Also wouldn't hurt to take the point of view that she is not really trying to rile you up, or play games, but is merely trying to set things up so they work out well for her. Nothing wrong with that, as long as you operate from the same principle.
By the way, I work in a daycare, and the morning crunch is a problem for many people. One suggestion is to send the child a muffin or piece of toast or fruit to eat when he gets there, rather than giving him breakfast at home. It's not unusual for kids to show up in pj's, with a granola bar, juice box, and day's clothes in their backpacks, to ease the morning madness at home.
Remember to breathe. Being angry malfunctions something in our brains and makes us forget to breathe.
I believe you are doing no wrong when standing up and saying "NO." As the previous post reads "sometimes, being a parent is just hard." Growing up isn't either...and the heart wrenching pain that comes from watching a child in pain from their parents arguements is just as hard.
Stand firm...follow your instincts...and breathe.
--Just For Now
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Keep love in your heart. A life without it is like a sunless garden when the flowers are dead.
Yes, you do have to deal with what is dumped on you. One of the ways of doing so is not taking it on and allow it to upset you. You have every right to tell your DIL "no". If she gets angry, leave that with her. I doubt she is going to run out and find a babysitter to take your place. She can't afford to be too nasty with you. :) Stand firm in your decision and don't fear her reaction, for it is hers to deal with. Just put the "no" back in her court and leave it there. Great job Omajoy!! :)
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
I agree, it's not your problem if she likes that you said no or not and I also don't think she's going to run out and find someone else to take the child. The problem is that this is probably going to go on until that child is old enough to speak up in court and be recognized. That's quite a long time away probably. I used to get all caught up in what might happen if I pissed AH off and usually my dreads in my mind were much worse than the reality.
I agree that she's trying to find perfect fitting daycare. The only problem is that she's ASSUMING that you are at her beck and call AND she is TAKING FOR GRANTED that you will just do whatever she wants. I find it completely rude that she didn't even bother to ask and just assumed that you would do whatever she wanted. I'm glad you said no and I can't wait to hear how this is resolved. I agree that laying it all out is probably the best strategy. Telling her about your issue with mornings, etc.
Why is it she can't get up a little earlier and get her child ready? To me that sounds really immature and irresponsible.
