The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Just found a post on the Step Work board - ACOA Common Behaviour Characteristics
I have been desparately trying to find the Step Work programme so that I could join in, but I don't seem to be able to find that; however in the process I found the above post and it has blown my mind.
Of the twelve characteristics that it listed, I can tick at least ten of them as being my characteristics. Given that, it would appear that I was ideal fodder for the A to take advantage of and I played into the A's hand. And I did this of my own free will.
I was sick before I my marriage to the A, and most of these characteristics I have never addressed, or even known I had until I really looked at that list. Now I am at rock bottom again.
How am I going to grow into a healthier person with all these characteristics in tow?
Where do I begin?
Can I ever win my daughter's approval when I have so many defects?
A personal inventory, I feel, is required and I need to really look at how I can change ME in order to progress; though, it looks like I will be climbing Mount Everest on crutches and without oxygen! Now I am afraid I will NOT make it.
How did you all deal with this, please share with me, I feel quite daunted and lacking in courage, but I need recovery?
Heartbroken
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"The highest form of wisdom is kindness." The Talmund
This is a growth process one that I wish never ends. I also find good stuff about my self along with character defects I need to change...some times slowly sometimes quicker. Don't be soooo hard on yourself. We can only work this program one day at a time and one step at a time. I once thought I could do it in a matter of 90 days and then I stopped that...trying to think myself in and out of recovery that is. It just doesn't work.
Another thing I found out that hasn't changed...Who and what I am doesn't depend on anyone else's opinion or approval. I am okay just the way HP has put me together. God doesn't make junk. Therefore if another person, special or not isn't liking me (alittle or alot) for the moment (we live in moments, remember) that's okay and I'm okay in spite of it.
Take heart because we didn't get sick in one day, and we don't get better in one day!
I think one of the most important things my sponsor has taught me over the years in taking a personal inventory is to also list positives, along with the negatives that I need to work on.
You mention wanting your daughter's approval, and how well I understand that. However, I have found that I am my own worst critic!!!!!!
In my journeys of self-discovery and improvement, I have eventually come to the conclusion that the most important approval is approval of myself!
When I am right with 'self', I don't have that need to get approval from others. Ironically, I often find that relationships with others ARE better when I am right with self.
I am still estranged from my oldest active A daughter, but today that is okay. I don't need her approval to be happy, and I sleep well at night knowing I am doing the best that I can today for my own recovery. She has to walk her own path too.
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"If a dog will not come to you after having looked you in the face, you should go home and examine your conscience." - Woodrow Wilson
One thing I have learned is that we never go back to square one. We never unlearn what we have learned. That includes our A's too. A slip doesn't undo our growth, its just another lesson HP puts in front of us.
Of course you can do this, hon. There is nothing wrong with you. You are as capable as any of us of working and improving yourself. And your progress does not depend on someone elses approval. We can all see you making headway, even if you don't for the moment. You will eventually, when you can accept yourself and where you are for the moment.
Alanon has a 4th step workbook, BTW. It is helpful. What is the Step Work programme you are refering to? I'm not sure I know what you mean. Most of the people I know working the steps are using the twelve and twelve.
Anyway, just keep at it. Easy Does It. It works if you work it. PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION.
In recovery,
-- Edited by Jen at 12:08, 2007-11-09
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~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
