The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Last night I spoke to the A who was in his normal blame everyone else mode for his life. He immediately started in on all the stuff I did not allow him to do in the past. I brought it up to the present and told him firmly that I was in no way shape or form preventing him from doing anything at all in the present since I wasn't with him, had little to do with him and asked him for nothing. I spent years and years and years remonstrating with the A about these issues. I spent years trying to get him to take responsibility for his life. He never did. I am sad for him that he takes absolutely no responsibility for where he is. He then immediately started in about how hard it is for him to hear that I am struggling and that he feels bad to hear it. I did not slip into that one either. I told him that I was expressing my reality but I am certainly dealing with it and I had asked him nothing.
I spent years and years and years trying to get blood out of a stone. These days he can blame whoever he wants I am not going to argue with him about it. At the same time I take absolutely no responsiblity for that he is where he is (in effect homeless). He has his choices, he has made them and I had nothing to do with it.
I trust with the help of al anon I will never get on that bandwaggon again.
Good lesson in self control. Hope it comes more quickly for me. Got into it with the AHsober - and he said it is you, you are crazy, your fault and I am so sorry that it is hard for you. Gotta stay out of the conversation.
Yeah, this is kind of the meat of the matter, for me. See, I came from a super dysfunctional home, really pretty messed up (while looking a-ok on the outside) and have some really old self-esteem issues (was told I was dumb, had no common sense, etc. repeatedly) so when you have this person who is your partner, the love of your life, day in and day out hammering it into your head that you are crazy, messed up, doing everything wrong, "not participating in the relationship" (that was one of his favorites), etc. you do begin to believe it! I mean, this is the one person you are supposed to be super close with, right?! This is what I thought- he knows me, I should listen to him, he is my husband, I trust him, I love him, we are a team, etc. It just hammered me right down into the ground. I could not even look anyone in the eyes anymore. I could not even lift up my head!!!! I just stopped talking unless absolutely necessary. It took me 10 months of attending al-anon meetings just to get to the point of being able to speak up again. Someone told me I looked nice yesterday and I almost had a heart attack. This is how far down one can go.
I want a life partner who likes me and believes in me and lifts me up, not grinds me down into the earth hating on me 24/7. Central to that is that HE needs to believe in himself and be able to lift himself up! I bet all of us would like that. There came a point where just to remove myself from that 24/7 dosage of intense negativity was needed because I felt like I was dying. I have not lived with him for going on two years now and I am finally coming back to life, completely, little by little. Thank god for this program!!
