The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I've been going through a difficult period of recovery since splitting from my A. We've been apart for months now and there is no contact....not even drunken calls, which does concern me sometimes! Anyway, its now nearly two years since I got into this programme (I did try before, years ago), and it has been tough.
I can now see my desperation, my huge need to be needed and my controlling nature. This realisation shocks me. I spent years in denial of this and rationalised my controlling nature. Ofcourse it was not always obvious to people around me. Many even considered me 'normal'!
But I knew something was not quite right. I blamed others for many years, my parents and my family mainly, for my upbringing. Sometimes I blamed those in authority, and really hated being controlled by anyone, as I saw it. How ironic.
So now as I go through this I can see my behaviours in some people around me. For example, there is a new employee at my work who is constantly trying to assert her selfassumed authority. She tries to control every situation and takes over every meeting. It is very difficult to be around her. I am not the only one who feels this way....and no doubt it will be addressed soon..
But, for me it is a mirror of the need to be needed and the desperate person I once was. Granted I was never that overtly controlling of the work situation, but I am loathe to admit I was in my personal relationships. She is unaware of her affect on other people and cannot see that people prefer not to be in her company for very long. It is draining for them. Again, that was me. I can now see that my need to be needed actually pushed people away. Of course I blamed them for being unreasonable in my own mind. I could not see...
I have been seeing similar reflections of myself in family members lately too. I still feel shaky in realising this. I am going through a period of change in my life. My denial has been lifted at last. I believe this is the work of my HP after many months of asking. Maybe now the time is right for me.
It is painful and scary to go through. I feel as if much of what I was has changed, and I am entering a new way of life. I am shocked and ashamed at some of the behaviours I went through, and am also so happy to be at last on a recovery path.
If anyone else has gone through this, I could really do with some support right now.
thanks for staying with me this far, I couldn't have done it without you Blessings, AM
I have been dealing with this lately too. I went to a new meeting last night and the topic was the 11th step, it was a good meeting and I really liked the people. My thoughts lately have been about how when the A was in the home he was the "bad" guy and I was the "good" guy as far as parenting. Now I have to be both and that's tough. I realize now that when comparing myself to his horriffic behavior I looked like an angel but now that he's gone and there's no one to compare to it's not such a pretty picture. I also notice the neediness of others, lately I have been noticing negative attitudes and constant pessimism. I think when you become aware and really realize who and what you want to be those things that you don't want become very clear and almost jump out at you. That has been my experience and I find it helpful because when I see it and I don't like it, it reinforces that I don't want that behavior and when it starts to happen I can call up the image of the other I saw doing it and how ugly it was.
For me, I think this has been the second hardest part of my growth and development. The worst part was the loneliness in the beginning and the gaping hole that was left when I moved out and took on everything on my own. Looking at myself is not quite so hard now, I see what I don't like and work to abandon it and acquire the behaviors and qualities I like in others. Still it's hard when it hits you that it really is YOU and not everyone else LOL.
It is painful when we begin to see reflections of ourselves in others around us!
I remember once saying something to my oldest daughter, and right after I said it, I realize I sounded just like my mother!!!!!!
I had carried some HUGE resentments against my mother most of my adult life, and to realize that the same things I despised most in her were things I didn't want to acknowledge in myself was both eye-opening and extremely painful.
Now I realize that there is no growth without pain, and it's not nearly as frightening to walk through that pain today.
__________________
"If a dog will not come to you after having looked you in the face, you should go home and examine your conscience." - Woodrow Wilson
So good to see you here again. I know that with the reflection of others behaving in a certain way is really eye-opening! You are growing and are becoming aware of that behavior, and that was in your past. The wonderful thing is you are changing, and noticing that is not the behavior you wish to exhibit any longer! You are becoming aware of it in others.
It is funny, I too have learned to try to stay clear of the drama (in work situations also) and take each day as it comes. I no longer am so afraid of what others think of me (like you, the tremendous need to be needed is not so important to me any longer). My friend, I have found that THIS is growth, this will bring you strength!!!
I think the greatest goal in life is to become the best person that you can be, and that includes working on ourselves (as we are constantly practicing in 12 step programs). I think that is the best goal one can shoot for; how can we serve HP and serve ourselves best? In doing so, we can attempt to be of service to others around us.
You are great, you are fine and where you are supposed to be. It is funny how one changes, a year ago I was a miserable, frightened person who was just shellshocked and fearful. Gradually I have gained strength. I had to go through some really really great bouts of pain in order to grow. A sponsor once told me it is like pruning, cutting the dead bits off, or like an onion, you are peeling layers off.
I believe that you gain strength in prayer, and total faith every single day. Walk close with your HP and ask for guidance. Quiet time is really good every day.
I think you will be just fine, Ann Marie. You are a wonderful caring person. I wish you all the best and prayers and hope!!!
