The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have a few things I would like to share with you....I have been coming a couple of years now, except for the past few months. Well, it's time to let you know a few things or reasons I wasn't around.
I feel I must be honest in order for me to continue my jorney with you wonderful people.
When Chuck left for his addiction and I saw him dying a year ago...I left as well, I got so heartbroken that he would chose drugs and alcohol over his family it almost killed me...
Then I met that "xxx" Don, well he took me to a hell that I am just recovering from. Then Chuck came home, got sick and died. I asked Chuck to come back because I needed him, for the first time in 20 yrs of marriage, I needed his strenght, and support. you see, I started snorting cocaine with Don...I realized what was happening, threw Don out, asked Chuck to come home. I had been thru a few months of hell and wanted out. So when Chuck came home I told him how very much I needed him right now....Then he died, that horrible death of vents. pain, hell. so of course there I was dealing with his stuff again....and all I wanted was some help from the person I counted on most in this world.
Now, I know he did not want to die, however, I was already falling apart at the seems and when he died my seems broke.
I am still in much grief, I am no longer using cocaine, I am trying to regain myself...I have a little clean time....so you never know....how I could do this only God knows, how I am never doing it again....Only God knows.....I found out how easy this can happen to someone...I thank God, I woke up and am getting some help.....
So that is a new chapter in my life I am trying to close.....little by little...minute by minute...
I have no ideas what to say. It seems ironic that I just read a story about a women on Grapevines that lost her husband, he died suddenly, and the greif that she went thru. My married life sucks. My wife is in pain, I can not help her, and she wants to pull away. So I can relate right now about the pains of relationships, and greiving. Some time I get mad at god, not nowing where he is or what he is, but just doing what my sponcers tell me no matter what. I have been sober almost 20 yrs, and feel like this is day one. One thing I am learning is there is a strenght inside of me. That it does not have to be the way it was when I was young. I know that unssulicided advise is not always welcome....but here is my hope and strength, HOLD ON, I have friends that remind me everyday that HE LOVES ME AND GOD LOVE. I know it is hard to feel god in our lives, but he will make himself know to us if we seek him. I hope this helps - Dale
I've always admired you for your honesty and courage. It takes quite a special person to admit what you did. I am very proud of you. I am honored to call you friend. Your recovery can only benefit from it. Much love and blessings to you and your family as always.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
I am so sorry for your loss... and I applaud your courage. This is indeed a safe place, and my addictions (smoking), with all their ill effects have given me a compassion for those that struggle that I would never have had otherwise.
I may be a bit of an optimist, but I look at all our life experiences... good and bad as something to learn from, not something to be ashamed of.
There is a quote that I used to put on all my emails:
"Good judgement comes from experience... Experience comes from bad judgement"
I hope we all take our newfound experiences and live our life to its fullest... I am going to do that today, even if it kills me. *smile*
Thank you for sharing that... you are in my thoughts and prayers.
Take care of you! You deserve it!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
Andrea, I wish you all the health and success on your journey.
I can't help but hear the words of a wise oldtimer in AA who was addressing a large crowd at a rally.... He was a very engaging speaker, and said to the group that they should listen closely, as he was going to divulge the deep dark secret to living and staying sober..... He motioned for everyone to listen in, and then said these immortal words:
"if you don't drink, you can't get drunk".
Take care of you Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Andrea, its so amazing the amount of pain we experience. I am sorry you have gone through all this. Its truly a miracle that any of us are alive and able to type words into this place!!! We are such survivors, its so inspiring. Your story is so honest and real. thank you for being honest and real. You know, so FEW people really are and I thank you for that. I love the honesty of al-anon and its one of the main features that keeps me coming back. we get to share and be exactly who and what we are. and we are still loved here. Your courage inspires mine. Mine may inspire another. Its a beautiful connection and extremely powerful. thank you.
I have not been on this site for long at all so I am reading your story for the first time. My heart just goes out to you. I wish I could give you a big hug right now. I know this has to be so hard. I know from experience this is a safe place to come, as I am sure you already know that. Just keep sharing and know you are not alone. That is one of the best feelings about coming to this site for me. I know there are other people out there in this world who understand where I am at with my A and how it affects me. You can get on the other side of this experience. It just takes time, one second at a time. We are here for you. Bella
I can definitely relate to running into the arms of another disaster. That is much of what I did with the A. I am still stuck in a mess. I live in a horrible horrible place. My knowledge is that it would be made even more horrible by the A. I am so sorry your husband could not be there for you when you needed him. I can understand that. I set myself up with that so many times with the A. He always failed. I am sure he did not mean bo but he always always always failed. I am better off on my own and I hate it. I am lonely, borke and fed up but I am not in agony over someone's drug use and abandonment. I have to start over but I can do it. You can do it too .
You and your kids continue to be in my prayers..... It's sometimes hard to understand why good people have to endure so much, but I believe that God really uses those tough and painful times to make us better. I can see that God has already used some of your experiences to give you a compassionate heart. I agree with Lexie....each new day is a gift. Keep trusting God....
