The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am going to be a speaker at a AA/Al-Anon Christmas party next month. The last time I did this I started my talk with a few jokes which had their origins in a post that was on this board some time back about humor.
Some one had taken Jeff Foxworthy's "Ya may be a Redneck" concept and applied it to alcoholics. Welp, I figured we are supposed to keep the focus on ourselves so I turned it around and posted a "Ya may be an Alanonic" joke or two.
So anyway! lol....I was looking at those jokes again and thought I would share one or two first of all:
If ya have ever marked the level of a bottle of vodka with a sharpie to see if your spouse is sneaking drinks, and gone back later to find it down a bit....and you convinced yourself it was due to evaporation!!!!!!!...... ya may be an Alanonic!
If yer Spouse calls ya from the bar for the 4th hour in a row, and tells ya "I'm just gonna have one more for the road, and I'll be home in 15 minutes" and you start warming up the tuna casserole for the 4th time cuz you believe them AGAIN!.... ya may be an alanonic.
You get the idea
I was wondering if any of you out there might like to share one or two on yourself! I need new material!!! lol
David, I can tell you a couple stupid things I did ..I'll leave putting the joke together to you.
1. Put yellow food coloring in his bottle of vodka and claimed it was pee. 2. Drew a skull and crossbones on the bottle with a sharpie thinking it would deter him. 3. He said he was leaving to wash the car and I sped thru the backstreets of the neighborhood (bobbing and weaving) so I could catch him buying booze at 7-11...all so I could "be right".
Man! whatta sick puppy..lol
__________________
If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
If you drive 150 miles each way only to find her pretty and sober and yourself out of a good enough lie as why you were there.
If you attend the cremation of your alcoholic and stand there for three days waiting for the fire to go out.
If you take to drinking with her to show her how she makes an ass of herself when drunk and you end up getting thrown out of the bar.
If you try explaining to the police officer that you are the designated driver every otherday and your alcoholic thinks this is leap year.
Have a good share and remember the humor is about laughing at our meager efforts to subdue a fatal disease and not at the disease's ability to subdue everything and everyone in it's path.
I love these posts. I sit here reading them to hubby and he's laughing. One thing Christy, about the yellow food coloring: hubby says he can see the alcoholics saying the alcohol would kill any of the bacteria so it's okay to drink it! Thanks for the giggles. Umm... I use to ask hubby if he was drunk and when he said NO, I believed him. It didn't matter the fact that he was stumbling and had the bottle in his hand. Oh brother!
Love and blessings to all.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
__________________
It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
When he says there's another mess meeting, but he won't be drinking and he will be home in time to make the dinner party that has been planned for weeks, and you believe him, ya may be an Alanonic.
When he says the band are having a team-building night but you are not invited because of security [HMforces serving member] and you believe him, ya may be an Alanonic.
When he says, one of the children must have pawned your engagement ring for a new skate board and the children are only 13 and 14, ya MUST BE an Alanonic.
How pathetic am I?
The last one was the final straw for me...
Heartbroken
__________________
"The highest form of wisdom is kindness." The Talmund
When you're calling the credit card companies all night long to see where he's at now and actually contemplating throwing the kids in the car and driving there to search you might be an Alanonic!
When he tells you that he was in the hospital but he didn't do it to himself someone slipped it to him you might be an alanonic.
When you find needles in the house in reach of small children (hidden under the couch etc.) and don't flip your lid you might be an alanonic.
When you give him a drug test and believe when it's positive that there actually was something in the glass that threw it off you might be an alanonic.
When things go missing and he blames the kids or the babysitter and you believe it you might be an alanonic.
When you smell alcohol on his breath and he swears he was just drinking fruit juice and you believe it you might be an alanonic.
When he goes to treatement and you think he's instantly cured you might be an alanonic.
When you find the bottoms of soda cans with stuff in them in the back of his truck and he says he was using them as frisbees and you buy that, you might be an alanonic.
If you look like a crackhead despite never having touched stuff and the crackhead looks like he just came off a week's vacation in the Bahamas...ya might be an alanonic.
THIS IS SUCH A GREAT POST!!!! I love reading this- its making me laff, laff, laff- thanks I really needed this!
checking on-line bank accounts to see where/when he spends money. searching all his nicknames on-line to find all his facebook,blog accounts, etc. calling all his friends begging to talk about him and his problem hoping to find help/support/understanding and ALL of them completely dissing me. asking for help from his mom and she just laughs and hangs up. running away from making fools of ourselves fighting, etc in the middle of the night from the homes of family and loved ones. I could go on and on and on! Now its just hilarious...wasnt at all at the time.
When you confront him about the gas/electricity that has been cut off and he tells you that he has paid the bills and that the company's have got it wrong, and you know he is as drunk as a skunk but you STILL believe him, ya must be an Alanonic.
When the Mortgage company ring to say that your house is to be repossessed and you call him and he tells you that it is not possible because the mortgage repayments are up to date and you APOLOGISE TO HIM FOR BOTHERING, ya must be an Alanonic.
If you call him from your friends phone to say the telephone is cut off and HE YELLS AT YOU FOR EMBARRASSING HIM by involving others in your plight and YOU END UP IN TEARS AND BEG HIS FORGIVENESS, ya must be an Alanonic.
And get this ONE - how naive can one get...
If you send flowers to the woman across the street for looking out your daughter, only to find out that she is HIS 'bit on the side' years later and was using your daughter to get him, ya must be an Alanonic.
Well ((((david)))) this has been a tonic as it really has made me look back and recognise where I have come from and how much I have come through.
Thank you.
__________________
"The highest form of wisdom is kindness." The Talmund
This has been a hoot to read. What a great topic and a great way to start a speaker meeting. Great idea.
I am trying to think of things but it was my dad who was the A and I was pretty young then. My Ex AH was more a drug addict and I was always counting his pills. I have to admit that when I would go back and of course there were less I would say I forgot how much were in it. I was always second guessing myself.
When we would go somewhere and he was driving and could barely keep his head up and was weaving all over the road, (mind you we are near death) I would blame it on stress and lack of sleep with his job. I was such a perfect Alanon. I would get mad but I just couldn't accept he was an addict. He was in AA for God's sake. Gosh, the ironies in life!
It helps so much to know I'm not alone. I have a few of my own here.
When you bail your AH out of jail for DUI on your 25th birthday, you may be an alanonic.
When your AH shows up drunk to lead the worship service in church and you continue to play the piano as if nothing is amiss, you may be an alanonic.
When your AH is supposed to be at work and you come home from your job and find him passed out in a pool of his own urine and vomit, then call his employer to cover for him, you may be an alanonic.
When your AF empties the camper holding tank in the parking lot of an exclusive resort, and you tell your AH to move the camper, you definitely may be an alanonic.
When I think back on these things I can laugh a little but it wasn't so funny at the time. All this makes me so thankful I'm still in recovery!! I too am glad to look back and see how much I have been through and how far I have come in this journey. One Day At A Time.
Cookie
__________________
A person's a person no matter how small --Dr Suess
One thing Christy, about the yellow food coloring: hubby says he can see the alcoholics saying the alcohol would kill any of the bacteria so it's okay to drink it! 
