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My boyfriend was in jail for nine months, because of his drinking.The entire time he was locked up he would talk about how excited he is to begin his life again, sober.He would talk about how drinking had ruined his life.I was really excited that he finally realized his drinking was a problem (look what it took, though).
Things were fine for the first month he was out.Then one morning I smelled beer on him, asked him about it and got some elaborate story about drinking Odouls.Later that day his sister called me to tell me that he drank at her house.When I confronted him about it, he continued into this HUGE lie.It took hours for him to finally admit that he drank. We had an intervention of sorts- the entire family sat down to talk about it with him.He said he knew it was wrong, but I didnt think it was that big of a deal to have a few beers I didnt get drunk!.He vowed not to drink again, saying he knows he has to stay sober, etc
Two weeks go by and then it happens again I call him and he says hes walking in the woods.Somehow I just knew it was a lie.I drove up to the bar and there he was, sitting on the stool and drinking a Zima.Now, hes a beer drinker, so I know the Zima was because he didnt want me to smell the beer on him.
So I tell him its over, leave the bar and wait for him to call me.He didnt call me until late that night, when he was drunk.
The next day he swears that hes sorry, he had a weak moment, etc and he tells me that most of him wants to quit drinking, but theres still the part of him that wants to drink.Unbelievably, I decide not to dump him.Its probably a common statement, but hes a great man when hes sober.
How can I let someone lie to me like that, disrespect me like that, hurt me like that, but still love him and want to stay with him?
Now I really feel as if I cant trust him.I constantly worry that hes going to drink.I constantly worry that hes lying to me.
How do I know hes committed to staying sober and not just committed to hiding it better?I want to help him, but I know I cant do anything for him unless he wants it for himself
Welcome to MIP Corin! Your story is just too familiar. And all the questions you ask . . . how do I know he's committed to sobriety? Is he lying **AGAIN**???
Should I stay, why do I stay?? What can I do to help him?
It sounds like a bummer BUT according to Alanon we can do NOTHING for them, except steadfastly refuse to accept the behavior. There is no guarantees here, he drinks b/c he thinks he must, b/c he wants to drink, it's less painful than not drinking.
You did nothing to start his drinking career, so you can do nothing to stop it.
Alanon is about saving YOURSELF from the effects of the disease. We all come to Alanon hoping to hear the big secret about how to get them to stop, how to get ourselves to trust them again, how to KNOW they are committed. But there is no secret there. Our "secret" is to build ourselves up, get clarity on our situation and to begin making choices that enrich and support our own lives, sometimes even in spite of the alcoholic.
If your alcoholic was in jail for nine months, my guess is he did something very very wrong! His drinking has gotten to the point he is a danger to society, the only reason to lock him up at all. This isn't the first time alcohol has gotten him into trouble, else there would not be such a sentence.
First you must understand that you CAN'T help him. Nothing you do or say will make one bit of difference. He and only he holds the key to his sobriety, and he will never stay sober unless he devotes his life to doing so.
We talk about the Three Cs...You didn't cause it, you cannot control it, and you cannot cure it. No truer words were ever typed!!!
Please think long and hard before devoting your life to misery, lies, and deception. It is a long haul, often without a happy ending. Corin, if I were you, I would run so fast in the opposite direction that all anyone would see is a streak!! There is happiness and contentment waiting for you to grab it, but it is not with this man. And do not think for a minute that he will change after you are married. The only thing that changes is your financial and moral responsibility...he screws up, you pay.
However, if you are determined to live your life with this man, you need to attend AlAnon face-to-face meetings in your community so that you can begin to learn how to stay sane. Some even reach a point of genuine happiness...or so they say...while living with an active A.
I know I sound cruel. Really that is not my intent. Rather my intent is to be totally honest with you. You deserve that...and sooooo much more. Keep coming back to visit with us. SOmeone is always here who will listen. All of us have one thing in common; an alcoholic has touched our lives and brought chaos.
Mine is a binger....Most of the time he is perfectly sober. That's when I love him. Once in a while, every six months or so, he takes three days, nearly kills himself with booze, then straightens up, and all's normal 'til the next time. So when he takes his "gentleman's vacation," I kick him out. He comes home contrite and ill, gets himself back together, and no one would ever know he is an alcoholic. But had I known, and I did not, that he was an alcoholic before I married him, I would not have done it. We have since divorced though we remain together on a different level.
There are many different "kinds" of alcoholics. But they have some things in common: The lie and they drink. You can't get around that.
And so I wish you all the best. Remember this: Take care of yourself. You, your future, and your happiness are the most important considerations.
Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
As far as my life with him- I'll always be connected to him, since we have a child together.
I just called him to ask him if he'd drink if we weren't together. I asked if he's choosing not to drink because he doesn't want me to get mad. He said it's a little of both.
He's going to counseling because of his alcohol problem, it's court ordered. I asked him if he'd still go to counseling if he didn't have to. He said probably not.
I don't think he's motivated to quit drinking. If he was motivated he'd do everything he could to help himself.
Anyway, he then said that he couldn't stand me being emotional over this, and he wasn't going to live his life with me questioning him. So I told him that that was fine. Then we hung up.
I'd be more willing to stay and support him through his recovery if I felt like he wanted to recover. If his past with alcohol hasn't shown him the ills of his decisions, nothing will.
Hi Corin, I know walking away is the hardest thing, we all want to stare at the accident on the side of the road, who knows why? Morbid curiosity I guess. Anyway, you said it yourself "How can I let someone lie to me like that, disrespect me like that, hurt me like that, but still love him and want to stay with him?" I also have a child with my A, we have been married for almost 8 years now. He is currently homeless, living in a shelter and just released from jail as well about a month ago. I realize now that I don't have to answer calls, return emails, etc. If he wants to see his son enough then he will get his self together and be able to. If not then not but I certainly don't want to hear any more of his whining about the circumstances that he's put himself in. I am raising 3 kids on my own and the last thing I need is another whiner wanting something from me! He's an adult, he'll either figure it out or he wont but the question for you is will you figure your life out? It was hard for me in the beginning to separate my life from his because in reality I didn't have one, mine revolved around wondering what he was doing when he was going to screw up, what would he destroy this time? Now I have most of a life although I admit it still needs some work but I have gotten sooooo much better just by moving out and leaving him to his own devices.
He's an alcoholic, so he will drink. Simple as that. He will also lie.
You can waste your time, energy and breath getting him to admit these things, or just accept that this is the reality, and use that energy in some more positive way. You may find that with the help of the alanon tools, you can be fairly happy with him, the way he is. Or, you may find that you really want to separate yourself from this. You don't have to make up your mind right now.
He's not doing this to hurt you, he is doing it because he really doesn't believe he has a choice. He does have choices, though, and so do you - you are not just his sidekick, doomed to hang on while he drags you down with him. There are many different ways things can go.
Please try to get to alanon meetings - they really will help. This program is a lifesaver, but it doesn't really give you answers - rather it points out the questions that you need to start asking yourself. Read old posts on this board - not everything you read here will apply to you, but lots will, I promise. Once you start to make some changes to yourself, you will be happier, whether or not he drinks. Welcome.
I have been married to my AH for 34 years. He has been in jail and has lost his job bcause of alcoholism. For most of this time I didn't know that I could get any help for myself. Then I discovered Alanon. It has saved my life and my sanity.
The advice everyone is giving you is good. You need to take care of yourself. Although my husband continues to drink I know that it is not because of anything that I have done, and nothing that I can do will make him stop.
I have chosen to live my life for me whether he drinks or does not drink, I will not allow myself to be affected by his choices. I have an inner peace now that I did not have before I became involved with the program. I used to obsess about where he was, smell his breath after he got back etc. etc. etc. I was an emotional wreck, and felt that there was no way out of this madness. Now I have hope and I find that I am enjoying my life in spite of him.
I am still with my AH I still do love him. But now, I also love myself.
Take care of yourself you are worth it,
Cookie
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A person's a person no matter how small --Dr Suess
