The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
As you may all well know, my ah is having an affair with a fellow married alcoholic. This is someone who worked for us. We share the same friends (who I am certain do not know), and our daughters are a year apart in school thus are often connected. We see her at most functions and our kids are in all sporting events together. Her h is usually the coach. Blech!
Only 5000 people in our town, so run-ins are common. I decided a couple of months ago to stop making life comfortable for this woman. So, now instead of turning away or diverting my eyes when I see her, I always make my presence known. It is making her crazy. I stare at her, I have made her go around me in the grocery store (cause I was headed straight at her), stood very close to her at a function, and on Halloween as she walked out of a friend's house, I walked straight at her and she had to go around me. I've never touched her (oh except when I threw wine on her in May when I "tripped"). Am I being immature? Maybe. Does she deserve it? Yot bet.
My ah informed me today that if I don't stop intimidating her she is going to put a restraining order on me. I told him that I was just protecting my family and if I was any other mammal than human I would have eaten her by now. Also, I mentioned that it will be an interesting turn of events to come clean with the truth as to why she would do such a thing. I told him to have her bring it on. I also told him that it hurt me that he would support such a thing and he said he didn't. He didn't have much to say about the whole thing; just relaying the information I guess. Not sure, but I think he realized how stupid it was.
Okay, ummmmmm, I was talking tough, but just between us here, can she do that? Doesn't it normally involve impending legal action? Should I stop, cause I don't want to! I feel like it is the only power I have, as twisted as it may be. I feel imprisoned by the whole thing. I could tell her husband, our friends, her mom (thru al-anon), but I don't for the sake of preserving my pride, my ah's reputation, and mostly our kids, I stay quiet. Lastly, it would do nothing to help my marriage.
I can now say I have given it my all. I've been be willing to work through this, addiction, dysfunction, etc. all for the sake of my kids and preserving my family. My ah unfortunately does not join me. I've never expected any promise nor could I provide one, all I have asked is for him to allow us to make an honest effort at repair. He cannot.
I know divorce is immenent. Here I am with incredible support of family on both sides, good friends, and the ability to suppport myself, and I feel terrified and paralyzed. I can't even imagine moving on with less, but I know so many of you have. I commend you, and you are my inspiration.
Hard to believe I will survive, but since 50% of marriages end in divorce and live to tell about it, there really isn't any reason to believe I won't too. Just now I don't want to.
Blessings, Lou
__________________
Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
I don't know Lou, legally. But I say let her try. They will ask her why she would want to put a restraining order on you. Why she feels you are harrassing her. What's she gonna say? "I don't like the way she looks at me *boo hoo hoo*" She makes me sick and I believe you have shown amazing strength and maturity in handeling this sick twisted situation you are in. I say tell all. Let the world know. This man is a pig and that woman is a whore. They are endangering others lives with their secrets. Society at large should know who they are dealing with. And the next time that skank makes a threat thru him at you tell him you are calling the poilce right now and getting an RO on HER and do it. She has invaded YOUR life and has now MADE THREATS AGAINST YOU!!!!! In fact, I would call tonight and get it started. It is the least that she deserves. Gosh, can you tell this is a sore subject for me?! Whoo, not very alanon I'm sorry but my situation is very similar. Ok, Hugs and prayers to you.
I laughed out loud about you eating her. So true! It appears you really are EATING her guilt by making it uncomfortable for her.
I do think the world needs to know what she is all about. Then the rest of the town woudl make it uncomfortable for her and for HIM and perhaps they'd decide it's not worth it. They can't take out 5,000 rRo on everybody in town. No way.
She has passed on a threat to YOU. Probably the alanon thing woudl be to detach and let it go, but I'm with you. I'd not be ready for that.
I've been there, and my take on it was different. To my mind, although I would not call myself *friendly* with women my husband cheated on me with, my quarrel is not with them.
They never made me a promise, and never broke one. They didn't owe me anything. They are not the person who betrayed me. They are not the ones who took my love and trust for granted, and held them lightly. You know who you are really mad at here.
On another note - I also live in a town of about 5000 people. If you, or your husband, or this woman, or her husband, are in any way prominent in the community, then you are kidding yourself if you think that nobody knows. Everybody knows.
it IS possible a RO could be filed against you for physical intimidation. Something like this on your record could easily affect future employment (depending on what you do). Whatta waste, on your part, when the person who deserves to be eaten is your H for doing this to you and the kids in the first place.
I relate with Lin in this. The various (sad, lost) women my exA is/was involved with do not inspire my anger. Maybe I just don't have enough left over from being angry with HIM. These women did not tie him up and force him against his will. My ex wrecked the relationship, not them.
Hi, Thanks for the responses. Believe me, I know that the person I am really mad at is my ah, and yes, bugging her is a response to that. It bugs my ah, too. If I really could get in trouble for intimidation, then I will stop for I do not want to face any negative consequences. It is not as if I am following her or searching her out, this all occurs when we happen to be sharing the same physical space.
I know it sounds unbelievable that the majority of people don't know, but I do believe that is the case. They do not go out in public together and it is primarily a phone relationship. Why do I think this? Mainly because my ah is still standing. Her husband is a hothead and is very connected in town being he was born and raised here. He once punched a guy for taking his seat at a school function. I can only imagine what he will do to my ah when he finds out that my ah took more than his seat! Also, I am certain that those I think would know, like our mutual friends, don't. In general, they don't really care for her, she is not involved in any volunteer work and tends to just pawn her kids off on people. Comments have been made how it is great that she is back with her husband. We have a number of friends in various circles, from the parent crowd to the older Rotary crowd. Of the couple of people that I confide with in each, they all say they have heard nothing. Actually, I think this is a good case of "you're not as important as you think you are". Now, I strongly believe that the truth will come out and when it does, everything will come crashing down, and I am starting to see signs of crumbling.
As my ah and I were fighting yesterday, he pointed out that we did an amazing job of faking it for as long as we did. I hate to admit he is right. When I finally confided in a couple of my friends about his addiction and us being separated, they were shocked. My daughter actually told one friend and she was cried in response.
Anyhow, no way to know for sure. Maybe I am living in denial. Heck, its a place I go often. Nonetheless, there is nothing I can do about it but try and move on. If I stay here (which I will only do if I can figure a way to keep the house) my life will be emeshed with hers for the next 10 yrs or so. Can't bare the thought. If I can make it so that she will avoid me, rather than the opposite, I would be pleased.
Blessings,
Lou
__________________
Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
While my parents divorced when I was 11 years old, there was no infidelity involved. Just alcoholism. Even after they split, they did not engage in other relationships. They weren't seeing each other, just - no one.
But during that stretch of my life - "the awakening" I call it - I became more tuned in to how people behaved and interacted. When I was around other family friends and what not, I sometimes found that I could read what was going on quite easily. One family literally had the "other woman" living right under their roof, on some utterly ridiculous pretense. When the wife found out she was stunned - but based on other accounts, the last to know. Another couple that were friends became socially attached to another couple - we'll call them Bob and Carol and Ted and Alice. Apparently Bob and Alice were clueless right up to the end. Again, it was pretty obvious to me - even as a teenager.
So when it happened to me guess what... I was the last to know. The "other man" was someone I couldn't stand, and I thought my wife couldn't stand either. Our intimate moments were frittered away with her constant, bitter complaints about her "awful" co-worker. By the time I knew what was going on, it was all over with - not only had the building come down and the dust settled, the debris (at least on hear side) had all been hauled away.
Anyway, don't be too surprised if more people know about this than you think.
Something that I remind myself of daily is I have done NOTHING wrong here. I was a good wife, a good mom and he is a sick,sick man who has never in his life had a monogomous (sp?lol) relationship and I know he never will. Not MY fault on any level. Remember that. YOU have nothing to be ashamed of or scared of. Ugh, I tell myself this constantly as "they" live 2 blocks from me and she is well connected in this town of less than 2000.
As far as where the anger is directed, well, I was the "other woman" and I take full responsibility for the chaos I helped create. I was 21, he left his wife for me and I really thought that if he and I were together forever than it was worth everyone's pain and suffering. Needless to say, it didn't. She is pathetic but she is still responsible. She knows he is married. So I say, hate her. It was easier for me to hate the other woman because I never loved her in the first place.
Keep being strong and keep posting because you are a really great example of how I can behave. Thank you.
Lou Lou Lou u r an educated person to know other mammals would eat a threat to their pack.
I've had to get restraining orders against the freeks before when physical damage was done to me. I can not see her successfully telling the judge oh i slept with her husband and now she is... No.
You have the program -- none of the tools say eat your threat, however, to let go -- i wish u the power to do so. Let your mate know whatever that person needs to know as in behaviours i.e. your limits and/or boundaries re the mate is about all you can do as part of your letting this go. Do not go round eating his messes to clean up his foolin arround - yikes -- they gotta taste nasty
And may the al anon force b with u dear oceans of love getoverit way edited 4 all of u 2 c...
I think this is the kind of thing that can easily escalate and that perhaps its better to either have it out in the open or just ignore her. I know what she has done is very distressing for you and the lies and secrecy are pretty awful. 5000 is a small town. Think about you, your dignity, your standing and treat yourself with respect. People who have affairs with other people's husbands are capable of seeing reality in a different way so she is unpredictable and if things go sour between her and your husband you could find yourself getting it, a ro is no joke, vent another way if you can, my thoughts, good wishes and prayers are with you,
it comes down to: where do I want to invest my energy? You have choices. Inspect your options. Do you really want to invest your precious god-given life force in some woman who is having an affair with your husband?! We only have so much time to spend here on this incredible planet. I say invest your energy elsewhere, missy.
Thanks for all the input. I was hoping I'd get a variety of responses and you didn't let me down I'm glad there were opinions on both sides.
So, I am thinking I should refrain. Truly my plan hasn't been to intimidate, just to bug the heck out of her. I really don't think she'd pull a RO given the nature of it, however, I could see it getting out of hand which is something I never thought about. She is always in such a hurry to get out of the way. While I would never touch her, I can't say the same about her, and in a fight, she would whoop my butt! When she drinks she is a nasty thing and has black outs, so who knows what could happen. I have never been in a physical fight in my life, and it is an experience I could go to my grave without.
The only thing about this that I don't like is that I do not want her to think I am backing off in response to her threat. Man, if that doesn't sound immature, huh? One more time for good measure? Pleeeaaase.... Perhaps now I will just stare from a distance...
I need to tell you that this is not reflective of my personality style at all. I hate conflict and am incredibly nonconfrontational. I do not like engaging in any activity that will bring attention to me, including public speaking or performing. So to get in a public fight, not my style. I tell ya waht, the effects of aism can make you crazy!!!
What I need to do is start praying for her; that she will find true love with someone other than my ah, preferably her h. I just want her out of my life.
Blesssings, Lou
-- Edited by Loupiness at 19:21, 2007-11-04
__________________
Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
Good luck Lou. Everytime i tried to pray for the skank I would start and then it wound up a laundry list and a tirade at God for letting this happen to me and most especially to my kids. I am now at the point when the "thoughts" come into my head I can say "Love and blessings to them" and drop it. That is progress for me. I wonder if that is what letting go and letting God is about. I have to say it quite often and sometimes out loud but it is working. When I wasn't ready, I wasn't ready.
I have some esh here. I had an A who I stole from another girl when I was 21. When I was finally rid of him I was relieved. People who take a man from someone else always get their comeuppins and I learned that the hard way. As for you I didn't see anything that you said that could be considered in ANY WAY intimidation. You don't have to smile and be nice, you're not talking to her, stalking her, threatening her in any way, it's just her guilty conscience working on her own self. Most of the time what seems like a tragedy when you're in it looks like a blessing in disguise when you're looking back at it. I agree that I never understood why you would be mad at the woman, he is the one who broke your trust. However, Serendipity's comment was very enlightening about how you never loved her so she's easy to hate. I think it's much easier when it's a faceless person you never met than someone you see all the time in town. I would love to see her try to get a restraining order, there has to be SOME basis for it and there is none. Unless she lies. My advice to you is act first, and use the pirate motto, take all you can and give nothing back. Even if it ends in divorce for you, you're not leaving her with much if you take everything. I would have no hesitation about using the affair in the divorce either, whatever you need to do to get the most you can for you and the kids, divorce contents are supposed to be confidential. I also agree that in a small town you're probably kidding yourself if you think people don't know. Just because they don't say anything doesn't mean they don't know. I had to laugh when I read the line about eating her how true LOL. Even back a few centuries you could have had her stoned to death at least.
You are picking this apart, and not allowing your emotions to get the best of you.
CG, my concern for Lou is that the 'other woman' WILL fabricate or embellish the truth, and it sounds like Lou's A will go along with it! Even a RO filed wrongly might show up on a background check, then Lou will have to explain THAT ONE away. Quadruple YUCK!!!
Lou all I can say for you is I can only imagine how hurt you must be that this affair is even happening . . . when you stand by your man through years of addiction and rehab and all the effects of the disease on you and the kids . . . then he betrays and abandons you all the way he has . . . it's an awful lot of feelings to have, and where are you going to put them all?? How do you get past acting out on them? How unbelievably HARD it must be to just sit with all this and then try to go about your day.
Believe me I understand that in principle. Sometimes I can hardly believe I made it through the day, I was so preoccupied and furious or just plain sad. It's like the footprints in the sand, you know? I know for a fact if HP wasn't carrying me I'd be doing something I regretted.
I know you will get through this Lou. You are strong and capable, that is EVIDENT!!
Interesting responses to your situation, and I can't imagine, legally speaking, that they can get a restraining order without some pretty strong, and blatant proof of real intimidation.
All that being said, I wonder about what is best for YOU, regardless of her?? Sometimes our best revenge is to be happy, and love our lives.... That will REALLY tick them both off, in the long run!!
Just my two cents T
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
I'm glad there were opinions on both sides.