The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I posted last week when my husband took some medicine that belonged to my son for ADD. I try to keep it put up when he is home (out of respect for his addiction), but he came home early (usually gone for 2 weeks and home for 1 week from working offshore). I put the medicine up, but not in time. I knew he had taken some when I put it up. Well, I decided to confront him about taking it. Of course it was the same old story......he did not take it and why did it always get blamed on him....blah, blah, blah. Instead of clamming up, being mad for several days, and listening to him deny that he had anything to do with the medicine coming up missing, I decided that I would turn into the nice, understanding person and see if he would for once be honest about what he had done for his own sake. I told him that I knew that he took the medicine, that the med stays out for 2 weeks while he is gone, and I never have any problems while he is gone. He continued to deny it and became defensive, so I just told him that I needed to know what I could do to help him to not act on his compulsions of taking prescription meds. I asked him if it would be better if I kept the meds put up or leave them out and count them while he is at home. He finally quit trying to blame everyone else and owned up to it. He said that he was very ashamed and didn't know why he did it. He has a real problem with denial of the extent of his addiction (says he has no cravings and doesn't know why he takes meds when he has "no reason" to do it, and also that he can "handle" being around it without wanting it) and he has a terrible problem with being honest. He has never admitted to me that he has slipped when I know that he has. It was a real step forward for him to be honest and I feel like that is a step forward for me as well. He then tried to minimize how many was taken (12 were missing) saying that he only took a couple and put the rest in his pocket and I washed his pants that he had them in. I interrupted him and told him it was irrelevent to me how many he actually ingested, that it did not matter, what is done is done. What mattered to me was that he was honest with me. I then asked him to tell me if I could help him in any way to not act on his compulsion. He said he didn't know why he did things like this, that is not his drug of choice. I calmly told him "You have a disease. It doesn't matter if it is your drug of choice, you are a drug addict and act of compulsions of the disease. You have to be honest with me and most importantly, yourself, of the extent of your addiction and that you need to continue daily to get support for your addiction. You have to talk about your disease and not hide it or your feeling about things." He agreed and said he would really work on the honesty issues. I will not let up on him about this. I got more out of him over this incident that ever before in the long 4 yrs since rehab with many relapses.
I usually scream and holler, clam up and don't talk to him thinking that he will feel guilty enough to admit to his wrongdoing, but it never happens. He will walk around, act like nothing is wrong, then go to work for his 2 weeks. He will usually call after being gone for several days and by then I have no fight left in me and I usually drop the whole episode. Not this time. I held my ground until he was finally honest with me. We sat and talked for about an hour about this incident and then we dropped it. The last few days of him being home was actually pleasant. No fussing and fighting. When he left for work, I felt good about his week home. This was a big change from what we usually go through.
I wish that he could overcome these compulsions, as he will be clean for months, then start using for about a month, then clean up again. That viscious cycle that all of us know about. I cannot stand the dishonesty of the disease. I can handle many aspects of it except the lying. My husband is a good person and would give the shirt off of his back to a complete stranger, but the addiction is so great that it turns him into a dishonest, manipulative, selfish person when he is in its throes. I got more response, though, being supportive and understanding than being that raging maniac that he expected!!!! Maybe this is a baby step forward for him and a giant leap for me to act and not react to his addiction.
Thanks to all for listening to my rather chaotic life!!!! dyan
What a great share ... there is a slogan on the wall where my F2F meetings are held... it says "... and let it begin with me." Change in our whole family can only happen when something changes, and what changed this time was you. That is wonderful.
Even though there are many aspects of this disease that I have a hard time with... my wife does deserve respect and to be treated as an adult. I didn't do that for a long time. In my case, my changed attitudes hasn't had an effect on the amount of alcohol my wife consumes... but that is not really the point. I do this for me, so that I feel better about the way I handle my life.
Thank you for sharing that... and keep coming back, it works if you work it!
Take care of you!
__________________
"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
Your situation is a perfect example of how much better we can make OUR OWN lives admidst the chaos of addiction. It's wonderful he "came clean". You know they are deeply ashamed of their behavior.
What's important here is that YOU transformed his time home into a better time for yourself. For me, when I went head to head with the disease in open war, it's like it bounced off the A and boomeranged back to me. Then I got to suffer, while it "appeared" the A went on about his business obliviously.
So kudos to you for taking care of YOURSELF. And we can always hope this episode made a chink in his disease's armor.
My AH has trouble with honesty too. He was raised in a completely dishonest environment and seriously had no concept of true honesty. ( He says "You got that right". He's sitting here reading with me.) It took me literally years to understand that. When it first really hit me it was part relief and part panic. How could I not have seen it, and now how do I deal with someone who doesn't get this? I did just what you did. I learned to be gentle and firm. I did not back down. I simply insisted that I knew the truth and that was that. I quit argueing about it.
We had a similar revelation about 65 days ago and things are slowly getting better.
They feel guilty enough. I think it helps us and them to prove that honesty is better, not just right.
In recovery,
__________________
~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
Like you , I found that trying to use guiilt to force action from the A was a waste of time. My husband did not react to guilt the way I thought a "normal" person should - he used the bad feelings as an excuse to drink and drug more, and to twist the blame around to me even more.
What worked best for me was to accept that he was what he was, and would do what he did. Then I could just do what I had to to protect myself, and let the rest go.Why fight about it, and ruin what could be good times? If nagging could stop an addict - well, there would be no addicts, they have all been nagged enough.
