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Well my fiance attempted suicide yesterday. Slit himself up then called his daughter to tell her he loved her. Left me 7 voice mails. Went to the hospital to see him, he had the typical alcoholic attitude. I stood my ground, did not take any crap from him at all, although he was not at all nasty with me. He told the staff at the hospital as well as me that when he is released he will just jump in front of a moving truck and kill himself. I told him that he obviously doesn't really want to die or he would have just layed there and bled to death rather than make phone calls. Also told him that when he was done jumping in front of the truck and was still alive but now a parapalegic, please don't have anyone call me to help because I refuse to take care of his selfish ass. Spent about an hour or so with him until he just aggravated me so much I picked up my coffee and wished him luck and a fun death, then walked out of the hospital. He was transferred to a Psych ward where they are going to monitor him for the next 72 hours. The staff and I have been in touch with each other without him knowing and they have asked me many questions on his background, triggers, etc. to get a better understanding of the situation they are dealing with since he most likely will not be upfront all the way with them. I am trying to stay strong and so far I think it seems to be working. I did speak with him for a few minutes today and told him that the solutions and strength to go on has to come from within him. That I do love him but that does not by any means mean that I will live with or accept this behavior or lifestyle anymore. As crazy as this may sound, I may accept him back in my life again, but it has to be because I am ready to make that move, not because I am feeling guilty or pressured to do it. I need to see him make it on his own for some time as a sober clean man. The man that he usually is and not the one he every so often turns into. Am I being stupid? Do you think I am handling this the wrong way? Does anyone have any thoughts or past experiences that would help me through this. I'm lost. Thank you all for caring. (((((hugs))))
you sound good 2 me. You said the main piece which is that you love him lots but cannot live with the behavior/drinking/etc. You have detached with love. You are doing the best that you can do. I have not been in that situation although I do have an AH who is also BPD and everyone thinks he is going to kill himself because his mom did, a long time ago. He uses this- he will drive off in a big huff and lots of people think he is going to kill himself. I no longer jump when he does this but I sure did in the beginning. Now, I am more like you- why be on the phone if you want to bleed to death???!!!! you called him on the carpet, you told him he has got to want to live, no one can make him want to live. I think you rang true and I congratulate you! I hope you are doing some good things to take care of yourself in light of all this trauma and drama!
I think you handled that really well, in fact I had a smile on my face as I was reading it. You are taking great care of yourself and showing compassion without letting his behaviour pull you down. As you stated whatever he does will be his choice. (((())) Luv Leo x
As an "old" psychiatric nurse, I say BINGO on how you handled this. Suicide attempts (actually this is called a suicide "gesture") are SO hard to handle, they inspire fear and guilt among the loved ones.
You saw it for what it IS: an act of aggression against everyone who loves him. Sure, it's a plea for help, and thank goodness he's getting it. But his motives were NOT to end his own pain but to inflict his pain on others. Typical disease type manipulation. Typical foisting responsibility for himself on others. Well, NOW he is experiencing the consequences. This is what happens to you when you pretend to kill yourself to make another responsible for your life . . . ya get locked up.
Good for you - I think you handled this well. You did not ignore his reaching out, but dealt with it appropriately.
The fact that an appropriate response was not the one he was hoping to manipulate you into is not your problem. Yes, he needs help, but a SO who jumps every time he says "suicide" is not the right kind of help - it hurts both you and him. If you can continue to have the strength to meet every suicide threat and gesture with a call to the authorities, he will learn not to use this as a way to control you. And, who knows - he may get some real help for his real and evident problems.
I went thru repeated suicide threats and eventually attempts with my ex. I finally got to the point that I told him I didn't believe he'd kill himself ever because he loved himself too much. His acts and threats were not crys for attention they were simply manipulation techniques. I stopped being scared of him following thru. I cared but he didn't want real help.
Hi, I wanted to tell you that three years ago my best friend attempted suicide. She took an overdose of pills. She was a mess when I went and saw her in ICU. I was so mad. She couldn't even talk then but she called me later from the Psych ward. I asked her why she didn't at least call and tell me goodbye before she "did it" and she told me she did. She was supposed to have a party and I was not able to go becuase another friend of mine needed me. Well, no one showed up to her party so she decided to just take the pills on her counter. She said, "I called you and you weren't there for me." I got so mad. I told her I would not support what she did and that she was not going to put the blame on me. She cried and said they told her she needed supportive people in her life right now and I said, "Well, you called the wrong person!" and slammed the phone down. Yikes, maybe I was overboard but she played too many games. We did talk after and make peace but she was never the same. Maybe I wasn't either. We grew distant after that and then she moved away. I have since put one of my main requirements in a friend today is:
The Desire to Live
Call me picky, call me selfish but oh, well, I have to be me today. :)
Good luck with your fiance. Keep us updated and stay strong. We are here for you. Bella
It sounds good to me. I know how hard that can be, it is the worst thing to do to someone who has been trying to save you from yourself forever. What a mind trip to put on someone. It is total manipulation and I'm glad you didn't buy into it. Both my former A's pulled that one on me but if someone wants to die there's nothing you can do to stop them.
Just great, you did just great. How strong you are!
Suicide gestures where high on my AH agenda. If I did not do as he said, then he would pull that one of the hat and I responded in fear and quilt.
Total emotional blackmail is what it is and it screwed my head up big time. So manipulative.
Good on you...I will keep you in my prayers ((((justmeagain)))) and ask for continued strength and courage to opt out of that situation whenever it presents itself.
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"The highest form of wisdom is kindness." The Talmund
