Shaking My Head - Al-Anon Family Group

Belladay · Veteran Member

Shaking My Head

Christy · ~*Service Worker*~

I'm not a psychologist but my first guess would be that she has extreme self confidence issues. Since you all got there before her, in her mind you left her out on purpose. Then the big show of drama comes to get attention so all will throw a pity party and the focus is right where she wants it.
Head games..ugh!!!

I know I'm supposed to feel somewhat sorry for people like that because they are sick. But those kind of actions are hand in hand with manipulation and I have a real aversion to that. Homey don't play that game..lol

Christy

Belladay · Veteran Member

Christie, you must know this chick. God, you are so right on target with her. She does this when she doesn't get her way but this was the most blatant, childish stunt she has pulled. Swears she wasn't mad when she stomped off when we got back. Then she blamed us for not asking her when some of us did and she just ignored us. She said it was because she found out that her friend's mother died and she was involved in that. So she decided to bring our boss in it and let her know that she needs to study on her own. She pitied it up real good and now the superviser, as usual, falls at her feet and is going to spend extra special time with her this weekend helping her study. UGH! It is so childish. I did end up telling my boss about this and how there has been a problem ever since she came over and I am not sorry for saying something. I just wanted to make sure that when she let her know she was going to study by herself that she wasn't saying stuff about us.

Gosh, listen to me. I am right in the middle of all that. OK, I am going to step out. I said my piece and now I am going to make my peace. This is not healthy. I have to admit this reminds me some of my sister. She will get really mad over things that don't seem something to get mad over and then stew like a pot of chili. Maybe that is why it is bothering me so bad. She would get so mad at me and there was nothing I could do to make her not mad except just beg forgiveness, take all the blame and put myself back in the needy, submissive role. We are both in recovery and she can't stand me now and I have wondered if it is because I am not needy or submissiver anymore. I have a great job that I am able to go to each day. I don't call her crying for no reason, or a good reason over my ex. I don't swear I would just die if something happened to her anymore. I was a real case for sure years ago. Now I feel good about myself and have alot of things to be proud of. She gets mad if I even invite the family over to my home for dinner. That is too "inconvenient" for her but going three hours to my mom's isn't. It just really hurts my feelings. She has caused me much grief in my life and one reason is that if you ask her what is wrong venum will fly out of her mouth while at the same time she is saying, "nothing is wrong, it is all you." How can you work with that? That is the way this lady is at work. I wrote her and said she didn't need to be upset, that we did not leave her. She acted like there was nothing wrong and nobody asked her what she thought, but we did. It is crazy. People like that confuse the hell out of me. I stay upset and dumbfounded when I am around my sister. And anther feeling is brings up for me is guilt, packed on doubletime. I can't stand that. That is the thing that will keep me up nights. Guilt insomnia. I know I was not perfect, I was a sister, I am a sister but dang. This is crazy. She will barely talk to me. She says it is me and in away partly it is but calling her is so awful. She is either talking in the shrill, hysterical life couldn't be better voice or low and mad like a tiger. I can't handle that. See, I am getting these two people confused. The lady at work just brought up alot about my sister. It breaks my heart because they push people away. You can't get close to someone like that.

Here is something I know. My dad was our A and living with him was not easy. He was very visual lets say and I was easy on his visual eye, she was not. He favored me, everyone knew that. But I was also submissive, she was not. She fought his ways. I loved them. He could talk to me about anything. You hear voices great, tell me what they are saying. You are paranoid, wonderful, I am here for you. She knows I had a harder time but I think she sort of hates me because of that. My dad was writing and calling me alot last year and he put me back on his life insurance policy. That was after not talking for about 20 years (he disappeared) and he asked me if he should put his own daughter on it too. What? I was flabbergasted. Why would you put one daughter on the policy and not the other and why would you leave it up to the favored daughter to choose. I said of course put her on. God! I understand why she is so hurt, he was just so blatantly, disgustingly obvious. That makes me real mad about him. What a pig. But then I love him too. No one else in the family will talk to him but when he calls, down on his pitiful luck, not saving some woman (I do have to laugh at that sarcastically) and just sick and sad, he will call me. That is where he is now. He called and said he needs a friend. He lives 2000 miles away but said he called me by mistake but while he was on the phone would like to talk for a minute. The next time he called he spoke for about one minute asking about the weather. Just too wierd. Yes, I told him I was upset with him the last time we talked over a year ago, and I was ashamed of his behavior. Yes, he hurt me with his inappropriate even from 2000 miles away, sick and perverted behavior with his daughter. I told him I was an adult and I did not have to stand for that kind of behavior anymore. I told him I love him and I know he will disappear after I tell him this and then I just listed every sick thing he had done in my past. Things I either pretended to be asleep or just forget that I did remember. Things he did to my friends that they told me. God, I know I busted him good and sure enough instead of taking it on like a man, true to MO, he disappears for a year until now. I don't know if he will call again. Does he want to know more than the weather report. Can he be balanced enough to just be a dad. I really don't know. Time will tell.

Until then, I am going to keep coming here. I am so grateful I have a place to come and lay my woes. It seems no one really understands this. The few people I have told look starry eyed about my dad. There are some really cool things about him but the sick things are pretty scary. It is so confusing when dealing with an A.They can make you feel so special at times. When we first started talking after the 20 years he must have sent me 50 gifts, like things you would send for a bridal shower and more. I had just gotten married. Then when he found out I graduated college he sent me a college ring. I had graduated 10 years ago but it had always been a dream of his. He was not there so it did touch my heart. Just so heartbreaking really.

Anyway, let me stop. I am vomiting out words and I really didn't think I would. Thank you so much for taking the time to read.

-- Edited by Belladay at 10:14, 2007-11-03

Jen · ~*Service Worker*~

((((Belle))))

You are holding onto a lot there. I just wanted you to know I read every word. I am listening.

I know what you mean about the sister. I have a brother that is there right now. He is an A, but I don't think they have to be, to be this sick. They just make up the story to suit themselves and their twisted reality. Everything is someone elses fault, boo hoo. The thing is, I think we do them a favor by not reacting and taking on the guilt they dish out. At some point in their lives they have to start taking responsibility for their own happiness. They won't do this as long as they have a willing scapegoat. Of course we can't force their recovery either, but we can refuse to take part in their disease.

I'm glad you could get it out. I find when I am "vomiting out words" that I have been holding in way too much. So, good for you getting it out.

In recovery,

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