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My ex-A and I have been broken up for about a year, after 7 years of dating/co-habitating. I am realistic about the relationship and the fact it will never work as long as he is sick. I am 42 with a great career, 2 awesome kids and a pretty happy life. My ex-A is not so lucky, but his choice.The thing is I still love him and enjoy his company when I get a sober moment out of him.
This infuriates my mother! Two weeks ago, I went to a business seminar and she was supposed to stay my kids. A week prior, she asked if my ex-A would be joining me on the trip. I asked "why?"...she stated that if he was going with me, she would not stay with my kids. So I told her, he wasn't going, and she wasn't needed to stay with my kids anymore. I'm 42 and feel I shouldn't be treated that way from anyone including my mom.
Needless to say, my mother hasn't spoken to me since. I don't feel like I did anything wrong...but as a true co-dependant....oh, the guilt!
Any words of wisdom or people out there with controlling parents? As an adult it's really upsetting. But I can see throught this how I ended up with an A!
I have been down this same road with the ex and the controlling mother. My mother would do the same thing instead of coming out and telling me that she did not want to watch my child. I would become angry and tell her to never mind and she doesn't have to watch my child. I felt angry because she wasn't being honest with me. She was stuck in that people pleasing stuff instead of being honest. We sat down and I told her that she will not hurt my feelings if she says no; that I would much rather hear the truth and be disappointed but that disappointment was mine not hers. Hope this helps. I could be way off base, but it sounds like she can't say no. It is so difficult working through this stuff with parents and friends.
Sounds to me like you did a good job standing up for yourself. Of course she got mad, she got caught trying to pull a fast one on you, but thats really not your problem now is it. Mad is an emotion and she can deal with her own emotions. When she is ready to talk to you again she will.
I am getting to the point that controling behavior like that angers me too. My Mom used to manipulate me in many ways that I didn't even realise until I got into this program. Mostly to do things for her that she is perfectly capable of doing for herself. She got mad too when I started standing up for myself, but she got over it. I just explained that I was unable to comply with her request a few of times. Now if she wants something from me she knows to ask directly and give me some notice to plan for it. The manipulations I fell for before are almost comical now, they were so stupid and blatant. I just didn't know any better.
All in all our relationship has drasticly improved even though she has no program. So I guess it does work if you work it.
Have a great day!
In recovery,
__________________
~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
