The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
As some of you know, I backed into this program - I was born qualified for Alanon, but had to qualify fully for Alcoholics Anonymous first, and get sober, before finally showing up for Alanon to begin dealing with my own codependency issues... although I have never been married to an alcoholic, I've had an alcoholic parent and an alcoholic child.
Presently, there is someone in my extended family who needs Alanon. This person is in a relationship with someone who clearly has a drinking problem, and will admit it at times (and deny it other times). However, both of them drink, and I suspect, both alcholically. One is just farther down the path than the other. This makes for a difficult situation, especially when each looks at the other as being "worse" or "the problem", and of course any attempt at sobriety will be short-lived unless both of them abstain. It's not a good situation and one I'm fortunate not to be in. I'm observing this from the outside, and not seeking to meddle - if I'm asked to share my ESH, I will, but for now I'm staying out of it. But what I see is a lot of indecision - a cycle of crisis, then cooling off, then status quo. We all know that merry go round.
Both of these people are very intelligent and proud as well... but my gut feeling is things will have to get worse before they will get better. I feel a bit on the spot sometimes, because I'm the only "program" person in their sphere - everyone else around them seems to be part of the problem. I have no desire to put my foot in it, but there are times when I get asked things - and I have to just remain neutral. IMO, one would definitely benefit from Alanon, and probably both from AA. But I have to wonder how effective someone could be in an Alanon program while still drinking. I'm glad I never tried it!
The other thing I keep reminding myself about - if family love could keep people sober, a whole lot more people would be sober. Too often, a closed family circle keeps the disease in charge. Going to meetings gives me a fresh perspective - and spotlights the fact that I'm not alone. Of course if someone is still too smart to need a program, and sure they can do it on their own, the only thing to do is let them be. I don't know if its pride, fear, or what that drives people to want to tough it out... but it's a lonely, unhappy road.
Interesting post, and I'm sure that I don't know the answer as to whether or not Al-Anon would be beneficial for somebody who is actively drinking... My only reflection is that when I attended a week long program called "Insite", -which was kind of like an intensified Al-Anon and self-awareness group counselling session - there were quite a few times when people would sign up for this program, and shortly into the self awareness time - they would realize that they really needed AA and to address their problem. There were several occasions when Insite members would start on the "one side", and by week's end had checked themselves into the Treatment Center for addiction. (This program was held at the same Treatment Center where my ex-A got sober).
I do think it's admirable that you can keep your neutrality and avoid getting into offering these family members unsolicited advice..... A good sign that you ARE indeed working your program.... :)
Take care Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
I do think it's admirable that you can keep your neutrality and avoid getting into offering these family members unsolicited advice..... A good sign that you ARE indeed working your program.... :)
Take care Tom
Sometimes just having a little distance is enough to keep my behavior on the "admirable" side LOL. The interesting thing is when I am around this couple, they are on best behavior. All I hear about their problems are secondhand, and so anything I might say about it would also be secondhand. When I'm listening to the story about yet another crisis/cooldown cycle, I usually say something like, "Oh just like last time!" as sort of a gentle reminder that it IS a cycle.
I suppose its possible that I may be accompanying one of them to an Alanon meeting at some point, but - due to the distance, they need to find their own meetings closer to home. I believe from my own experience that family can and should be supportive, but not the primary environment of recovery. In other words, some objective, experienced, third-party Alanon folks to hang out with rather than family who know them all too well... and also can push buttons, intentionally or otherwise.
I could really relate to what you were saying about the closed family circle.
I have been on both sides of the fence as a recovering alcoholic and a loved one. I am the first one in my family to have broken the chains of alcoholism, and it's been tough to say the least when the rest of the family is still in denial.
Neither of my parents drank/drink, but have alcoholism on both sides of the family. My father lost his parents one year apart (both related to alcohol) while he was still in high school and was left to raise two younger brothers.
They both have absorbed a lot of the dysfunctional thinking/attitude of the 'ism', and have never sought any sort of recovery for themselves.
My relationship with them has gotten better through the years, but that's not due to them having recovery. It's due to me working very hard on myself and my reactions to them!
It is sad to watch people struggle when there is help out there, and a better way to live.
__________________
"If a dog will not come to you after having looked you in the face, you should go home and examine your conscience." - Woodrow Wilson
Great to see your input again and then it's been me who has kinda laid back for awhile from the board. Refreshing to see you this morning.
I related deeply to your post. I had 13 years alcohol free in Al-Anon before discovery of my addiction and compulsion to alcohol by an anonymous assessment. Since there is no way of knowing when my next drink would come I did what was recommended and have 15 years in both programs.
I know you have the solution...you have stated it and it seems to be mostly Al-Anon motivated. We cannot force sobriety on anyone, after all we accepted it willingly and with honesty. We needed the program and came to understand that we dare not judge any other person to be like ourselves. So what do we learn to do? "Turn it over" is the suggestion and I see that you already know that. "Trust God, clean house, help others", is our continued work so how do I stay neutral in these situations? I personally don't, not as long as I have experience to share with others, a lack of fear and the promises wrapped up in a HP (God) given opportunity. Of course I have learned that I don't give with force. I give with love and then....I let go and let the God of my understanding of whom I speak so highly of as being in my life today. I am not neutral today. I know that I have a fatal disease that can not be cured and only can be arrested by total abstinence and which had reduced my life, spiritual, mental, emotional and physical to ashes before I found a solution that I have hung onto for 28+ years only because this is what has worked for me. There are other solutions that could be tried and I can suggest them also and will with the understanding between HP and me that the loving suggestion toward sobriety and away from the bottle is the very very best I can give; the story away from the bottle.
I give my story but once to a "practicing" alcoholic, (God were we only practicing? I worked this disease in earnest! I had a drinking sponsor even without knowing the future revelence of sponsor. I sat at the knee of a masterful drinker learning to do what he did and to do it better! In the end he applauded my sobriety and I got to hug and love and understand him intimately before he died from our disease. He has been sober for 16 years without attending one meeting.) After I give my story freely I back out of my HP's way. I know that HP will never abandon them. My HP never abandoned me and never will. Believing that and reading your post I can see that maybe the opportunity has come or will come for you to share your story including the "what happened next" with another person who might be having a problem with alcohol (I have been wrong in the past) and then "detaching", "Letting them go" in Al-Anon/Alateen lingo.
I don't bring miracles. I have been told to try to bring my Experience, Strength and Hope to others after my own spiritual awareness and then to continue on with my own progress.
You know and today you know that you know. You know what to do and what is in the way (otherwise you would not have brought it here) of you doing it. "The opposite of fear (False Evidence Appearing Real) is faith.
Hello Barasax , well your right about one thing thier problem you should stay out of . We lead by example as people see us changing often they will ask how did u do that , we are attraction not promotion . People find us when thier ready period . and unfortunatley some never find us . Louise
