The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I got a call yesterday from my A. I do still love him and someone said it sounded like I wasn't done with him. They were so right. He told me how much he loves me and that he doesn't want to be without me but isn't ready to give up alcohol. He said he needed to do it for himself and that it had to be his decision-completely true. Does that mean I have to endure all the junk until he decides it's time? No. We have been on this roller coaster for too long and it's affecting my work, my kids and my life. He is a good man, when sober, just like so many others I am sure. Do I give boundaries and not let him cross them and just continue with my life as if he weren't a part of it? I know at this point he can't control himself and when he's drunk, it's as if I no longer exist. It's only his party buddies. I don't want to be second choice. Most of the time I don't drink with him. If I do, that's when all of my frustrations, anger, feelings come out b/c the filter has been taken away. So even though I know better than to argue with him when he's drunk, I do it anyway. That is no way to live. Afraid to talk to him about issues, b/c let's face it, he's always messed up. I do love him. I want him to get sober, but cannot force, threaten or make him stop. How do you deal with this? I am starting to go to meetings to get myself better. At what point do you walk away regardless of your love for this person? I know there isn't an answer to the question, I am trying to work my way through this...
Thank you for all your insight and encouragement. I have gotten more support from everyone here than from my family.
I am glad you are here... and you are right the folks here are phenominal caring people. I think the world of my new family... of which you are a part. :)
No one can really tell you when enough is enough. And it is perfectly normal to love these people weather you stay or go... I love my wife too, and although I have chosen to leave... it doesn't change my feelings for her. It is simply a decission that I had to make. Stay or go you will find you have our full support.
It has shown to be sucessful to use the program tools for 6 months or so... allow yourself time to settle down and get centered before making any big life changing decissions. It is not a rule for membership... but for many of us proven to be worth it's weight in gold.
I am glad you are here... keep coming back!
Take care of you!
__________________
"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
hi shel, I love my A, too, a lot. So very much. We are still married but we do not live together. i had to leave. I do not know what will happen. We sometimes talk on the phone or send email and we say we love each other but...we are not together. I suppose at some point one or the other will initiate something. I am using this time alone to focus on myself. I see a therapist, attend lots and lots of al anon meetings and am just finishing grad school. i also work two jobs. I am focusing on me but first and foremost I am placing God/HP at the top of my list. Then myself and my "world", then friends and family. I meditate for at least 20 mins each morning and leave myself open to listening to my HP/God. I pray, too,. Work your steps they are there to make you look and focus on yourself. Obsess about your HP, fall in love with your HP instead of your A. Its worth a try. Put all that love into yourself and your HP if you can. I know this is hard!
In my experience when he said those kind of things it was a fishing expedition on my A's part. What he was really saying was "Would I accept that he loved me AND accept the drinking too". I guppied for it more then once. Once I had said O.K. he never was READY to stop or even consider it. He would say "I told you I wasn't ready and it was OK then, what's your problem now?". Maybe the fact it was a few more years down the road!! And I was still waiting!!
Looking back, had I said "I love you too but I'm not willing to accept or live with your drinking on any level", things may have been different and the line would have been drawn, my boundary set.
Instead, I lived it with it for way too many years. I forgot to protect me and I put my beliefs in something I imagined that I heard or wanted to hear. I was hearing "I love you and I will try soon" when what he really was saying was "I love you but I'm not willing to even try to recover, I want to keep my old friend, alcohol....and you".
Again, this is my experience.
Christy
__________________
If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
