The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I was in the car on my way to work and I was thinking about myself and realized some things. Firstly I realized that I have not been being the best mom I could be. I was always better than the A (which isn't saying much) but is that really enough? No, I decided, it's not. I can do better with this teenage daughter and set in motion better days for the younger ones too. I realized that being with the A had various results and these are what I found:
I was constantly in chaos trying to figure out what he was going to do or doing, when my world that was built around him was going to crash down again, cleaning up the messes he made, making him happy, doing what HE wanted. I didn't have time to think about kids and their concerns.
He was not a great parent and treated the kids like they weren't individuals who had challenges and things that they went through as well, it was more like they were a burden to be dealt with and for his enjoyment when he wanted something from them and I adopted some of those attitudes after 7 years of hearing his opinions on this. That isn't really who I am or at least it's not who I want to be anymore.
He was easy to blame for all the problems and I was lazy and didn't do my part. I would sit around waiting for him to do what I thought he should be doing (man work...) Now I have put myself in a position where there is no man work to be done so I don't have to worry about that. It was easy to look like the angelic good one when he was sooooo bad. Compared to him I WAS perfect, now with no comparison I have to look at just me and the view is not so good withouth Mr. BAD standing next to me. I think that this is what has been gnawing at me for the past year but it's finally surfacing to my consciousness. Sure I have done good things, hard things and come out looking good but there is much more work to be done and it really is WORK! Just because I act better than him doesn't mean that it's good enough. Most people act better than him LOL that doesn't make me great and I want to be GREAT. A great mom, a great person, a great friend those are the things that are really important to me.
It's hard to be a single parent because you have to be the good guy and the bad guy all in one. You have to be their friend and listen and care as well as enforcing discipline and it's hard to balance all of those roles into one - not to mention going to work and paying the bills and keeping the house and making time for me.
I realize it was easier physically to be with the A less work for me, a good excuse to let things slide, but emotionally it was impossible. I feel like I see myself - I mean my REAL self, not the self I was with him, I don't know who that person was anymore. I feel like there is a gap between who I put out to the world and what I want the world to see or maybe how I am seen from the outside as opposed to how I feel on the inside and I can't quite figure out how to resolve that or make myself more transparent and be fully that person who I want to be.
CG, I think one of the mistakes parents make is confusing "parent" for "friend." They have "friends" at school; they have "friends" at various activities, but parents are parents...not friends. That does not mean parents do not listen, advise, feel compassion and love; but the main function of a parent is to parent. And that means that you are the disciplinarian, and the one who guides them in the right direction whether that makes you the "bad guy" or not. I reared sons whose father died when they were 12 and 14. Terrible time to lose a father. But we sat down and I told them, "Dad is gone. Now it is up to me to finish the job. I am in charge here, and what I say goes. We all have to hang together as a family so that we all come out of this tragedy unscarred." I guess I was lucky actually. Neither of them ever got into trouble, and never spoke to me in a tone other than one that was loving and respectful.
All of that being said, what is in the past is gone and done. How you handle this child from this moment on is what is important now, because nothing you can say or do will change the past, so do not take a guilt trip over what you cannot change. Sound familiar????
Set up the rules of the house and attach consequences to infractions of those rules. Make it known that you are the mother, and what you say GOES! Be careful and pick your battles well. SOme things are just not worth the argument. Do not say, No" if you do not mean it. Changing your mind on issues only goes to let the child know you are wishy-washy and can be bullied. If she says, "I am leaving" show her which way the door opens. It's called "tough love" Mom, but it works.
I hope things will get better for you and your daughter. And yes, this first one that we all practice on sets the stage for how the others will treat us and themselves. Most of all...relax!...I always say that very few of them end up in the state prison, meaning that they almost always come around and straighten up. SOmetimes it is a matter of whether the parents can hold up....and remember this: most all parents do the best that they know how. It is a continuous learning experience for all of you.
You will all be just fine if you hang in there tough and be the parent!
Diva
-- Edited by Diva at 09:37, 2007-11-01
-- Edited by Diva at 09:43, 2007-11-01
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
What incredible growth and insight. I know I do the best I can. I try every day to do better. Trying to organize myself is an ongoing issue. I am hoping to have more time to do that over Thanksgiving. I am in this for the long haul. I am inspire by your share. In some ways life was easier with the A, on other levels it was absolutely impossible and tremendously isolating.
It is really a joy to watch you grow. You are getting more awareness all the time, and accepting what you see, mostly without fighting it TOO long.
I think it was on here someone said recently of their A, he said "I don't beat the children!!!", like this was supposed to make him a paragon of virtue and a great dad.
I often struggle with "I can't quite figure out HOW" (not to mention why) myself, and what I am finding is that it isn't about understanding it, it's about doing it. "It" is meetings, meetings, meetings, reading my c2c every day, working with my sponsor, doing the steps, reading other alanon lit & actually doing the questions, writing about my feelings - all those action steps that others share as their esh and that I can try to see if they're right for me. When I insist on understanding WHY it MIGHT work for me if I DID try it, I get bogged down and never actually get to discover if it DOES work for me. Sometimes when I try a thing I don't actually notice it making any difference until days later I realize that something - usually I'm not sure what - something inside me has shifted, something little, and I'm not quite as stuck where I was.
Hi again , and good on you for recognising where to put your focus , our kids are victims of our insanity and they deserve one sane parent ,your on the right track . A line that helped me alot with my kids was . PICK IT UP AND DON'T BITCH OR DON'T PICK IT UP AND DON'T BITCH. I was a screamer unfortuantley and a cookie crumb or glass of milk left on table would push me over the edge . when i heard that little line somehow I know I could do that so I started to just pick up the stuff and not holler jsut put it in the dishwasher soemtimes bitting m y tounge but it does heal . hehe The attitude in my house changed over nite by me just keeping my mouth shut I could pick it up or leave it there til they picked up thier own messes , theme for me was How important is this anyway ? am I going to ruin a perfect oportunity to bond with my sons over a stupid cookie? I started to listen to them and share my own feelings with them while they could do the same with me. Our kids are often more angry at US the non drinker than they are with the alcoholic , which was a complete shock to mebut appears to be a fact ,kids know what to do about the alcoholic but what is wrong with us ??? seems to be thier thoughts sharred in alateen meetings . Stay foucused and enjoy . Louise
I know I can't be her friend, I got that part. Before with the A I was always the good guy, the nice parent, now I can't do that anymore. I know I need to relax, say yes more and pick my battles instead of fighting everything. I know I need to let her turn into an individual and guide her I just want to get through it as smoothly as possible. I wasn't very nice to my girls and had very high expectations, I didn't listen at all just shut up and do what I said... I'm going to WORK and I do mean WORK very hard at being patient, listening and not getting angry over every little stupid thing. She's not a bad girl, just a little smart and mouthy, I can't imagine where she got that from LOL. I realize now that I have been a critical parent and it's hard to get a compliment out of me and I'm going to think and make a point to start with the positive regard I love you even when you're bad etc. I am hoping that by setting this example she will begin to act more like me in a positive way instead of a negative way (I was very negative).
As to the other thoughts about my laziness which I am trying to work on and my realization that I HAVE to work harder, figure out the money, etc. Those are also very important. I know I am in the position I am in partially because I am lazy and don't want to take a job with more responsibility or hours. I could, I don't want to because I value my free time way too much. Part of this is also fear of failure, that I won't make it in a new job, I will miss too many days from sickness (we get sick a lot), I will get frustrated and hate the job, I will not be able to keep up. This job is very comfortable for me, it just doesn't pay what I NEED. This job is secure and I like my boss, usually my jobs are on grants and can end at a given point if not continued or I begin to despise my boss and leave for another. That shows on my resume by the short times of jobs and I want to have a good long one on there - another reason for staying. Plus I have a great boss which is very important to me. I guess my issue is that I know I can do more, I just have to force myself to do it for the greater good.
It has been a long road over the past year of learning to live with myself, to be mom and dad, to support the family all alone, to be stable and make a stable home not just running off to another place or being rescued by my mom (a lot like living with the A somewhat unpleasant but a lot of burden off of me). I felt that was a big step to decide to stay here where I have no one to rely on but myself. I don't think I was mentally in that place a year ago but one day at a time I have made it through. I am definitely stronger for it but this road that I have chosen requires a lot of growing up (I didn't realize I needed to) and a lot of tough choices (at least I have the strength now to make a choice now). When I look back to where I was a year ago it seems like I'm looking in on someone else's life, did I really tolerate all that, was I really thinking about taking him back, was I really that scared to be an adult and face the responsibilities that entailed? Yes, I was and it was me but I'm not the same me anymore.
The funny thing is they always say that the addict/alcoholic stops maturing when they first use and I think I stopped maturing around 21 when I got together with my first A. I feel like I did a lot of things that I needed to but I did a lot of really stupid things too. It seems like I have grown more in a year than I did in the 14 years before that combined. That I see truths now, have a higher standard for myself and the people I associate with and have learned about myself. I was clueless as to who I really am and what I really want in life, what's really important to me, what I like and dislike, I didn't know myself.
I invite everyone to take a deep look way down inside there and figure out who you really are because I think that's the only way you can truly be happy. There may be some ugliness in there but if you look ugly in the eye it's a lot easier to get rid of than if you ignore it and let it fester.
for me I think I was set up to be with A's. The boundaries in my family were totally blurred, my elder sister was really the parent to my parents which meant she was a thug basically to the rest of us. I had tremendously low self esteem. I have been thinking much like you did how my low self esteem kept me with the A. There were other issues, economic issues too and where oh where could I keep my dog. I know the A also constantly and compulsively sabataged me. He needed to keep me dependent on him because he needed me to support him. Look where he is now, homeless and living in his car. As an electrician he doesn't need to live in a car but he does that then he spends all day dealing with survival issues like where to get a shower. I have my own very real survival issues of course. Some of them pretty prickly.
With the A I never got beyond next week, now I am trying to plan 3 months out.
In 3 months I can be further along than I am now. I know that. I want that. I don't think I am actually lazy myself I think I am afraid a lot of the time and I have to keep dealing with my fear.
Great insight, and I think we all need to hear it - yes, it's easy to look good standing next to Mr. Screwup.
With my kids, I found "I'm really sorry I did that" worked wonders, as long as it was followed by *Not doing that any any more*. They love us as much as we love them, and forgivelness goes both ways. We do have to be the adult, though, and you're right, it's hard work.
oh yeah, this is a good topic-looking super good when i stand next to Mr. Weirdo Freak. I have found that not only do I sometimes get into that (sadly) but by staying in the lousy relationship I use him/his alcoholism and bad behavior as an excuse to 1.) be a bitch to everyone around me and withdraw from everyone I care about, 2.) gain tons of pity (she has a lousy husband and marriage, poor thing) which enforces my own self-pity, 3.) not live up to my potential because I am exhausted all the time so I can play the martyr, and the list goes on and on. He does the same with me.
Both of us must just love our toxic dance based in our fear of success, fear of goodness, fear of love and intimacy and happiness...YUCK!!
I know I am doing the best I can. Sometimes I need to face the ugly truth about my self-image and stinking thinking (see example above). Then I need to promptly send it off to HP.
