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Well I decided to let AH come home. He has been home 2 days now. How am I feeling? I really do not know. I thought I would be ecstatically happy, like just getting married, or something, but I just feel sort of numb. I love him, and when we were seeing eadh other and he was at the halfway house we were ecstatic, mostly, very affectionate, loving, emotional, and now it is different. Not so intense, maybe because we do not have the "missing each other" factor involved now.Something is going on inside me and its like I do not know what to feel. I feel afraid, happy, sad, hurt, all at the same time. And I have been feeling depressed today since he went to work. I really can't explain how I feel. Monday night when we talked I told him that I was scared, that little things were triggering me, and then I would feel all the hurt(from the abuse), and I keep thinking about how it WAS then, He listened to me and told me that he understood that I was afraid. And the next day we talked to his sponser/counselor and I talked about this with him. H is actually the one who talked about it first, and he told T that when we went to pick up his things from the halfway house that I was feeling scared because it was all happening for real. T asked me if I had second thoughts, I said no but that I was just afraid and I wanted things to stay the same, with H going to meetings, his DA classes, counseling, etc. I also want us to continue growing together, talking and H and I talked about this too.
I am glad he is home, it is nice waking up next to him again, but I feel like I have sort of given up something, maybe because this was just my apartment that I rented when I left him and he went to jail. Maybe I feel like my space is being invaded. Why am I not blissfully happy that he is home?
hi v, go slow and be gentle- with yourself. Accept where you are at, right now. its where your HP wants you to be. I do not know your story but it sounds like there may have been some broken trust between you two. Trust is earned, it doesn't just appear overnight. I bet you went through hell. Both of you. It will take time. So go slow and be thankful for what you have today. Its not gonna be Camelot! watch those expectations: read about expectations in the navy blue How Al-Anon Works book or in any of the little books- they all have entries on expectations. As I heard in a meeting last night: every expectation is a premeditated resentment. good luck- J.
Yes, trust is something that is going to take a lot of time for me. I am starting to trust him, but it is slow, there was a lot of emotonal abuse and some physical abuse from him in the past, and that it is very hard to get past the pain of and trust him with my heart again. He has changed a lot, and is doing very well, and he has been nothing but loving and kind, and understanding. H told his sponser the other night that when we were walking around the yard I was very quiet, we were holding hands, and H thought to himself that I was probably wondering what he would do next. And when it would happen. He understands that I still have a lot of fear of him, and what he may do or not do. He used to be very distant, would withhold affection, attention, communication, you name it he withheld it, as punishment to me, he was very jealous, accused me of affairs, kept me isolated, just classic emotional abuse stuff. He is doing none of this now, and I am learning to trust him again, but I wonder if I will ever trust him fully again.
Thank you for your reply, expectations are a problem for me but I tend to expect the worst, the lies, the abuse, the pain of it all. These are the expectations I am trying to let go of now.
Maybe you are starting to base your happiness on your own needs getting met, not just on what he does or does not do?
Ecstatic happiness would not actually be appropriate right now - you had reasons for having him gone, and so far no real proof that anything has changed. A guarded optimism is just about right, and that seems to be what you are feeling. Even if he really is making a true commitment to sobriety, it does not mean that all your problems are solved. It just means that you can start to work on them with some possibility of things getting better, which was not possible when he was active.
At any rate, life without rage, abuse, vomit, and all the other goodies that come with active drinking, is better than life WITH those things. Enjoy it.
dear v, I only wish my husband had the capacity to see that we have DA/DV issues..verbal abuse began to get physical which is why I had to leave (a year and a half ago now).
He doesn't think he has done anything wrong and he dosen't think he has any problems.
I am the problem (of course).
All I can do is focus on myself and leave him to his higher power and his own path. We live very far apart now.
It sounds like things are going well for you and that is good. Sometimes I think we are more comfortable with drama and trauma than with peace and quiet. Like peace and quiet feels odd or strange to us sometimes, because of our own disease/background. I am glad that I could be of some help to you. we all help each other so much being here and understanding what its like. take care, in recovery, J.
U don't say if you are attending Al-Anon meetings for yourself , for me it is the best way to support the A in my life , by getting m y own program and staying out of his face and off his back. I was told yrs ago by an AA old timer that an alcoholic can't go home to an old idea and I was the old idea , he was not the only one who had to change , we both did .without change he didn't have a hope in hell of staying sober. New sobriety is fearful for both of you , we don't trust afraid it will start over again that is normal but with your own prog u will learn how to not let that fear run your life , you will learn to set healthy boundaries for your relationship and how to take care of you . Keep your expectations low and you will be just fine and remember that somedays all an A can do is NOT drink . And most of all don't miss the good days , enjoy Louise
I remember when A came home from rehab. I felt those same trepidations that you do. However I was lucky because there was no abuse involved. Having said that, I had not found Alanon yet. I wish I had. I thought the counceling sessions we went to while he was in rehab was enough. It wasn't. I badly needed my own program. The dynamics of a sober relationship vs. an active relationship are very different.
I remember how quiet the house was when he was in rehab and the halfway house. It was like I was finding a part of myself that I lost in the chaos. Well through this program I have that side of myself again, and he's home. Yes he's relapsed and gotten sober again. But even through the relapses we've been okay. Recovery is a process and journey for both. You can be loving and supportive of his. But your focus needs to be on you. For heaven forbid, if things go the other way, this program will work. I wish you both good luck in your recoveries.
Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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