The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
what do you guys say when people ask how your alcoholic is?
He and I no longer live together but we may reconcile. I have come to a point where I will no longer go into it when friends/family ask about our relationship and how I am doing. In the past I would SIGH and say something like..."its OK or its not so good" The truth is I am doing just fine because I have been in al-anon for a year and a half and am learning a lot. The A and I are still technically married- what do you say when others ask about him? I don't think its approp. to say "I have no idea" or anything uncaring. I do care. Much of the time I honestly do not know how he is doing...I just need a little advice. Thanks so much. J.
"Why don't I give you his phone number so you can call and ask him yourself?" "I'm not his babysitter; do you have his phone/email/etc so you two can talk directly?" "Actually, I don't keep tabs on him. If you'd like to talk to him directly, I can give you his phone number; do you need it?" "Why are you asking me about him? Do you need his contact info?" What these well meaning people are doing is triangulation; its very subtle here. Really, they can find out for themselves. And if they want to know, really, they can take care of business themselves. You offering them this convenient out is the best way to do it. People would ask me how my mom was, all the time. These were the lines I used. All I had to do was say it MAXIUMUM of 2x. They never asked again.
I have the same problem. My AHsober moved out 2 years ago. He "says" he wants a divorce but I have never been asked to sign papers. He is financially responsible but the rest is crappola. He doesn't call and when we do something together usually because of our grown kids, he is standoffish. He says and does some pretty hurtful things. I finally told my family that he wants a divorce. People ask all the time how he is and assume he is coming over to help me. So wrong. I am planning a trip this weekend to see our son. I asked my brother to go and said well if you can't go I will ask my niece. Then my brother and sister-in-law said duh why don't you ask your husband. And I didn't know what to say. Why would I ask him. He wants a divorce. He never asks me to go anywhere with him. I don't get it. I tell them the truth. I say I don't know, I havent seen him.
I am hanging out. He and I live very far away from each other without any prospect of seeing each other. I do not know if I should take the initiative and go and get a divorce. I am in grad school right now and working two jobs so I really would rather not put the energy into it. Plus I am just not quite ready to decide. I have to trust that some day my HP will let me know what to do about this dilemma. I hate sitting on the fence but that is where I am. I am trying to accept it. i need to focus on myself, getting my degree(s) and getting my life back in order, getting a new job/career, etc. I am grateful for so many things. I have many good things going on. My marriage is not one of them. But I am learning to live with that.
My mother (A doesnt drink but NOT in recovery either so you would never know she does not drink!) asked me about him alot. I finally had to tell her its none of her business and to stop asking. I tell her I am doing well. When I have something to say about him to her, I will. Until then the topic is off limits. She backed down but pouted about it plenty. I no longer lose sleep over this.
I no longer live in the community in which "we" used to live. I left, he stayed. There were DV/DA issues. I felt I needed to leave and I am glad I did. i am broke but I am doing really well in school. I am so broke I have even lost weight because I cannot afford to buy food- and I have two jobs! Never was that low before but I feel its worth it and its temporary. But I am living in a very very expensive part of the country and rents are high. I will not stay here, when school is done, I will go.
I have no idea if we will remain married and get back together or not. It seems like we have completely drifted apart. I have made attempts to stay connected but he fights me all the way, just like with everything. I have given up. If he wants to get in touch, he knows how. I am going to listen to HP exclusively (and the wisdom of al-anon meetings). I must need to be here in this holding pattern for some reason- married but not with anyone, married yet single, its a weird trip. Good thing I am an introvert and a bookworm!!!
Love the answers u got so far , what I used to do was a simple I don't know you will have to ask him next time you see him or why don't u give him a call I am sure he would love to hear from you . works like a charm Louise
This is manipulation at its worst. I live in a small town and it is really horrible having to go through this. It is their way of getting the information out of you so it can then turn to gossip. I am getting better at my replies but it still makes me feel uncomfortable. One day I think my fiery Leo side will blow and then they will really know lol. (((())) Luv Leo xx
