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Here I am again. My husband is still sober, but was in an automobile accident a few weeks ago and told me that a truck had run a stop sign and hit him. He went to the hospital with neck and shoulder injuries that seemed to heal remarkably fast. Last night he presents me with the police report showing that the accident was his fault and he was arrested for DUI. Blood alchohol was .23 in the middle of the afternoon! He now wants me to write an affadavit about all my cancer surgeries in the past two years so he can tell the court that he was depressed about my health and that's why he was drinking. I now also suspect that he went to detox so it would make him look better in Court, rather than because he wanted to stop drinking as he claimed. He is furious with me because he feels I am not being loving and supportive, whereas he was loving and supportive through all my cancers. I see the difference being that I didn't chose to get cancer, whereas he chose to drink and drive. I contend that he lied to me by not telling me right away and he contends he didn't lie just didn't tell me so I wouldn't be upset. We are cyrrently not speaking.
(((Chetch))) I am so sorry things are not going well--or as you would have hoped. I am going to play the "devil's advocate" here for a minute, trust me I truly do not mean to hurt your feelings or make things more difficult than they are, just maybe want to look at things from a different perspective.
disclaimer: I do not think you need to write any statements to the court about your health and all your cancers. He did get himself into this mess, reasons don't really matter, he got himself there and needs to take responsibility for it.
BUT--I feel like you did not choose to get cancer and he did not choose to be an alcoholic. I know for a long time I thought my husband was truly just deciding to drink/drug and be irresponsible. There might be a place early on for some when they can still make a decision to not drink/drug, I believe that with a true alcoholic/addict that time stops pretty quickly if they ever had it! My husband is sober for just over a year now. Things are going well, but at any moment they could change. You ask him and he will tell you he never wanted his life to end up the way it has--several felonies, can barely make it due to debt, divorced from one wife, lost 2 of his kids, etc. I believe it stops being a choice and until they get everything out of their system for a while and work the program it won't be a choice. Now I do think once sober they have a choice whether to go back out again or not, but once that first sip has been had--it's over until they get to another bottom, b/c they are literally unable to make themselves stop.
You don't have to agree, it's just something to think about. Just take care of yourself and do the next right thing for you.
Hi, that is a bummer, I know I have gotten dui notices in the mail re: my AH in the past that were a surprise but not shocking. I would say that the lie was worse than it happening. I don't know if I would write a letter or not but honestly I don't think a letter would make any difference to a judge. There are plenty of people who get cancers and their husbands/wives don't run out and drink and drive. I would just decide if I wanted to write it and then do it or not. Sorry that he lied to you and tried to hide the problem. That never makes it any better.
I am so sorry to hear this. Having been on both sides of the fence, it reminds me how I used to try and manipulate others when I was still drinking, and I am truly ashamed.
Alcoholism is such an ugly disease, and I'm sorry he's doing this to you (((hugs)))
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"If a dog will not come to you after having looked you in the face, you should go home and examine your conscience." - Woodrow Wilson
well hun , if he wants to use that as a reason for his drinking , he is the one that should be writting the report , doncha think ??? somedays the arrogance still blows me away . stick to your decission and let him get out of this himself , its his stuff ,leave it with him . Louise
the W who I was with ruined his enitre life with his drugging, drinking, tantrums, reckless driving. He will be paying for that for decades. I am so grateful I do not have to deal with that anymore. I have to deal with my own problems which are insurmountable enough. I can very much remember the rows, pleading, tantrums, ultimatums and more. Oddly enough I felt that what I was going to the poverty, being on my own would be worse than dealing with that. I have to say it is hard but not as hard as dealing witht that. I found it aboslutely draining, frustrating and grief-evoking. I know I simply cannot go round and round in circles like that anymore. I came to an end with it.
Sorry Chetch. First of all, I agree whole heartedly with hudsond. My a is now sober almost 10 months. WHAT AN AMAZING DIFFERENCE!! I think it was on this board somewhere that I read a post that said the worst thing you can do is to get in the way of an A experiencing the consequences of his/her drinking. I know that when my fiance was drinking, he would use the idea that if he got into financial trouble because of his stupid decisions while drinking, it would affect us both in the long run. His debt becomes our debt and if I would help get him out of the debt or other trouble, the sooner we could move toward a positive future. That never happened. It just lead to another stupid mistake that he would be begging me to help him fix.
I also agree that alcoholism is NOT a choice. Once sober, you can pray that they never pick up that first drink. And if they are working their program you have a better chance that they won't. My A tells me all the time that he learned in AA "If you're going to pray, then don't worry. But if you're worry, then don't pray."
My A's DUI was the event that seemed to turn his life around. I didn't even go to court with him. He knew he needed to face it himself and if it meant going to jail, he understood that he needed to do it. Fortunately the judge, the probation officer (who ironically attends AA with him), and the doctor who provided an expert evaluation for the judge all saw that he is working his program and he was able to avoid jail. He was glad that he didn't get off "scott free" and that he does have consequences. These consequences are a constant reminder to him about the life he doesn't want to lead anymore.
I don't believe I am doing any justice to myself by compromising my values and beliefs to save him some embarrassment, or money, or pain. There is a reason we feel pain. Work with it.
Yikes.... we don't very often see our Alcoholics directly ASK us to enable them. Writing such a letter would enhance his chances of NOT accepting and/or dealing with the full consequences of his behaviour. If what he is asking for is true, then we would have to stop believing the three C's, as your hubby is insinuating that this other stuff "caused" his depression, and therefore his drinking....
They will stop at no ends to make their case.... Like you, I choose to believe the Three C's, and hope he doesn't keep bugging you for the cover-up letter.
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Thank you all for responding to me. I don't think my writing an affadavit would make one bit of difference. His blood alcohol was .25 in the middle of the afternoon! If it had been just slightly over the limit it might carry some weight, but a think a judge would just laugh at it. I told him not to call me to testify as he wouldn't like what I would have to say. My AH is a very well respected attorney here in the relatively small town where we live. I am hoping that the embarrasment of what he has done will be something of a wake up call. He is looking at jail time, a years probation, losing his drivers license, community service, a 20 hour a week alcohol program, etc. I hope they throw the book at him, maybe it is the bottom he needed to hit.
Oh, I forgot to add that the irony of it all was when he had the accident, I had made an appointment with a divorce attorney fir the next day and had taken the cash for the retainer out of the bank. I foolishly cancelled the appointment, but if he ever picks up a drink again, I'm filing for divorce. I can support myself very nicely.
