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AH was supposed to be running to the corner store about a 1/4 mile from home last night. He comes home almost an hour later shaking. He got pulled over and he had been drinking. The cop asked if he had been drinking, he said no, but cop said he smelled alcohol. Didn't have his license with him of course. Cop ran his ss# and found out he lived around the corner. He was given a warning for speeding and told to go home.
I was very calm. I said, "I hope you use this as an opportunity to be completely honest with yourself about the state of your life." and "one of these days you won't get a warning, you be dead or in jail." Once he actually said he was kind of mad because he was certain he wasn't speeding and he thinks he was targeted (we live in a very small town). I said "you may not have been speeding, but you were drinking and driving." I also took the opportunity to tell him that one of these days I will reach my breaking point with his a'ism unless he finds lasting sobriety.
All he wanted was for me to tell him that everything was going to be okay and maybe even that he didn't do anything wrong. I refused.
I have no expectations for how this will affect him. But I find it all very depressing. He is so sick. :(
the driving and the car stuff took me down so far. I reasoned, pleaded, begged, negotiated, tried everything to get the A to stop driving drunk and recklessly. I lost a great deal of money on this but not just that I lost a great deal of sanity over it. I would not be able to negotiate what you have. The A I was with had many choices. He is homeless today mainly because of his reckless crazy driving. He went from having two barely new cars to some old clunker in 5 years. I would not wish what you are going through on your worst enemy. Get as much help as you can to get your emotions out is what I would suggest. I begged, screamed, cried, wailed and pled with the A all the time to stop driving crazily. He never did. I choose today to not be involved with him on a daily basis as a result of going to some insane places over this. I simply cannot worry myself into an early grave worrying he is going to kill or be killed with the way he drives. Thanks for reminding me that I no longer live in that insanity. I did for 7 years and it drained me to the point of paralysis.
Babysteps, I commend you for refusing to participate in his delusion! This was an old trick with my exA, almost a ritual, after a binge he'd go off on how he would never do it again and actually, we were JUST FINE (weren't we???).
I remember the first time I replied "hell no things are not OK." It was the last time he said "we're fine" too, b/c within a week and a half he was in jail and I got the RO and that was that.
He "punished" me by being excessively demanding and abusive for days afterward. It's like he really "believed" everything was OK as long as I agreed with him. When I didn't, instead of opening himself up to that fact, he "blamed" me for wrecking his fantasy.
So sorry the cop didn't follow through. I was thinking about this all yesterday - what could he have been thinking? "oh, it's probably just a one time thing..." - "give the guy a break" - "it only smells like a .02" - ???? Even asked AH sober last night, & all he had to say was "it's up to the individual officer's discretion"..... I'm starting to think attendance at open AA meetings should be compulsory for police officers.
In any case that's in the category of things I cannot change, & I too am so impressed with how you stayed calm & on your own side of the street. It IS so sad - good for you for not getting dragged down with it.
