The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have been with my partner for around four years in this time he has cheated several times, lied been manipulative and every time I have allowed him to talk me round because of my own unhealthy behaviour patterns.
I have attended al anon on and off which has been very helpful, he has also self harmed and attempted suicide on several occasions. I do love him dearly but realise unless someone really loves then selves they are not capable of loving someone back. I think he loves me the best he can
He is in recovery at the mo and is not too bad, the thing that really has tied me to him in the past is the fear of his death. I have dettached in the past with love and put up boundaries and asked him to live back at his own place but the worry of his unpredictable bahaviour especially suicidal behaviour has had a big impact on me.
I have lots of friends good job, doing a degree part time and nice family and really want marriage and children, I may have to face it may not be with him but I cant imagine life without him. There a lot of things not right such as sex, being affectionate a lot of theses things he is not really good with.
I know there are no answers and I need to find them for myself but I long for normality and marriage and a family, but 4 years on I'm still being patient. I'm even considering meeting an old flame just to be kissed passionatley as any of that sort of thing with alcoholic is so not right.
We recently went on holiday in which he relapsed, immediatley the behaviour was unpredictable and I felt ill with it. However I informed him that if he left me made me feel unsafe that was unacceptable and I would inform the holiday rep and get the next flight home and leave him there. For the rest of the holidy he was ok and actually stopped when we got home, normally he relapses of 2-3 months till the money runs out.
(((chick))) We try not to give advice in al anon, but experience, strength, and hope. Al anon is all about taking care of ourselves and our needs, and learning to let others do the same for themselves. I would like to encourage you to think about how you are caring for yourself, your wants, needs, and goals in life. Also, always remember that your A has a higher power (whether he has found it or not), and you are not it. You didn't cause his disease, you can't control his disease, and you can't cure his disease. He has to do those things for himself. He is going to do what he is going to do no matter what you do.
Chick, It sounds like the fear of his death keeps you where you are. That probably started as a form of manipulation and now it's a fear. Try to step back and look at the big picture as if it was someone elses life. I know you love him but fear isn't a basis for staying in a relationship.
Is he using that to keep you where you are? Has he crossed multiple boundaries? Do you repeat the same things over and over and expecting a different result (definition of insanity)? If nothing changes in the relationship are you willing to give up wanting marriage and a family while the insanity continues? There are answers, you'll find them as you take control of the situation by seeing what you want opposed to what is. It's so easy to get sucked in to the madness and insanity, over and over. I'm sure you know "Nothing changes if nothing changes". By finding a meeting you can break out that Alanon tool box and use it to be what and where you really want to be.
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Hi Chick . looking for normal relationship ? not gonna happen . I try to remember that Normal is a setting on a dryer . period You say u have been to meetings off and on , well in my experience 'on ' works better ,this is a program for living your life , full time not part time . I hope u find some great meetings and settle in this time . I agree with last post yur staying because of your fear of him dying , often used by the A to keep u in a relationship - they know it works . the way he chooses to live or die is his choice we don't have the right to choose for anyone but ourselves . Step aside and allow him the dignity to do it his way will be the hardest thing u have ever done but necessary for your sanity. early sobriey is tough on everyone don't expect too much from him =Sober does not equate to healthy , healthy takes time ,patience on your part will help u both , I learned that some days all an A can do is not drink . for now that has to be enough. With support from your f2f groups u can do this .
When my partner selt harmed and attempted suicide it was after I had supposedly dettached with love. He was coming down after drinking and had no money he conned me into going round to his flat being not as knowledgeable as I am now I went round.
I was greeted with a furious person who slammed a iron against the wall my face being next to, he refused to let me out and because I went round with no money or cards as part of me obviously realised what he was after he proceded to wrap the radio cord round his neck and tried to hang himself off the bannister.
I was scared to say the least I managed to persuade him to let me call his dad who came to get me, yes I know I should not have gone round but I did. I left him with no electricity a dead phone, no food and a suicidal person with no money.
Me and his mum after four days were so worried he was dead called around and were greeted with a person who had slashed his arms and legs set fire to his carpet and taken too many pills. Maybe he could have reversed charges from a phone box maybe not. Yes I spoke to people from al anon and went to meetings in those four days but I am not the samaritans where they allow people the right to carry on with the suicide attempt beacause it is there right. It turns out after my boyf was extremley glad we came he did not want to die.
I guess I appreciate empathy and understanding in what people tell me yes sometimes the truth is hard to hear about yourself but I guess words on a screen cant hug you or wipe away the tears. Perhaps being a sensitive person I wish to be accepted for where I am at the moment, maybe I will do this program full time but thats down to me!
Since we can only share our experiences here's mine.......With an addict and a person who cheats and a person who is not mentally stable you will NEVER have a normal life.....EVER!!, you do NOT want to bring children into the world with this person because they make HORRIBLE fathers and they are just as unpredictible with the children, EVERYONE dies and I don't want it on my conscious that I am the only thing holding that person here, what if he decides to take me with him? Or our children? What in the hell would you (in general) be thinking????
I married the person who cheated on me and who got someone else pg while I was pg, I married my alcoholic. I am 8 years into this marriage and 6 of those years he hasn't lived with us because my children are MORE important than him or his problems. But guess who pays in the end??? Our children.
I could save you sooooooooooooooooooo many problems by saying, take the four years and chalk them up to experience and cut him off like an infected body part!!
You have got to ditch him to help you KNOW that you deserve better,(in my experience) it takes time but you will start to feel freedom and do better for yourself and I can promise you that in 4 more years he will be the SAME person that you left. IF he commits suicide then that's up to him. NOTHING you can do will stop someone from doing that if that's their goal.
My husband said that to me once and I said "more power to ya, go ahead just do it away from the house so I don't have to clean up a mess" and he never mentioned it again because he knows I don't play that game. I'd be crushed if he did it but I would not be distraught about it because I think it shows you are weak.
Your boyfriend wants attention and you are giving it to him. You need to go and do some research and see what a true relationship is like. Ask around.
Go to a park and see a happy couple and ask them how they got to that place and I could bet you anything that not one of them would say "well.........we were addicts and I put her in harms way and could have got her killed and I threatend to kill myself over and over because that made her love me more and she was sooooooooo terrified that we decided to have children and bring them into this world to be a part of our chaos and that brings us to the park to reminise on old times"
Not making a joke chick, life doesn't work this way. If you want better you have to go get it, it won't come to you and it won't come to you with a sick person. Your boyfriend is off the deep end and doesn't look like he's coming back anytime soon.
Love is NOT enough to ruin your entire life. PLEASE.........soul search and find a way to get away from the drama. If you stay too long you will be programmed to think it's normal to be treated that way and crave the drama in a healthy relationship. Good luck. Please keep coming back.
(I KNOW I'm already going to get in trouble for being so voiceterous but I remember being where she is.....so sue me....I CARE!) ;) mwah.
