The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I feel it is our business and our responsibility to make sure we are understood because not everyone speaks our language and if we are detaching with love, I feel that love demands us to make sure we are understood .
I understand what you are saying.I just have a thought or two to consider. There are times, no matter how hard we try to explain or convince someone of something we know or think we know to be truth or reality, that they just will not understand.Doesnt matter if I am trying with all the love in my heart to get you to understand something I wish you to understand from MY perspective, you just might not understand my reality of it.
I used to spend so much time explaining, and re-explaining something to my ex-wife, because she just did not get what I meant!It seemed so perfectly obvious to me, and I was honestly, genuinely trying to explain it to her.She just either was incapable of understanding it, or simply chose not too.From my own perspective, it took my wife actually telling me she was moving out for me to finally understand the reality of what she had been trying to tell me for months.That she was unhappy and the marriage was over.When it finally sunk in, no amount of me understanding the why of things (which I eventually did) could take away the hurt and pain of it.
Sometimes I can't make someone understand me.Why I do something.I try the best way I know at the time, and I go on and do what I have to do. If I second guess myself later, I am always quite certain..if I could do it over again I could do it better, kinder, with more love...so that they would understand.
Anyway, thank you for posting....I do have to watch my alanon speak from time to time, when I am out there talking to "earthlings!"Thanks for the reminder!
I dunno, I don't really buy this. Yes, we have an obligation to try to communicate clearly, but the listener has an obligation too - to say "I don't understnad what you mean by that" when he doesn't understand.
In my experience, the trouble in communicating is rarely from the words used. Sometimes it is because concepts are being discussed that one person is not familiar with, but, more often, the problem is that one person just does not want to hear what the other is saying.
There have been times when my husband has said to me "Don't talk alanon to me" but it was not because he didn't understand what I was saying. He understood all right, he just didn't like it.
Blaming her for your lack of understanding doesn't sound very useful now and usually isn't helpful at anytime. What are you going to do now that it's over? Try on the Al-Anon responsibility questions...(watch it! it's apart of the Alanese language) What was my part in it? Some of my old responses to this question were; When I was fearful about what I was hearing I shut off my reception and put up walls. When I was confused about what was being said and how it was being said, I got confused then angry and fearful and didn't want to hear out of spite. If I was spiritually down or agitated (and didn't want the anesthesia of alcohol to block out reality) I should have put the discussion off until a later time and when I was more able to participate by listening. If I could not feel compassion for this person who I had hurt so badly then I was discounting her and what I had done to her and without empathy I was listening to the wrong thing with the wrong spirit and maybe some false pride and surely inflated ego. I didn't explain that I lacked understanding and would need to rehear what was being said. I didn't ask for clarity. I didn't want to be vunerable so I didn't attempt any humility and surely compassion and empathy would look like I was agreeing with her. Those were some of the answers to the Alanese question...What was my part in it.
We always get to answer that question...do that inventory and "...When we were wrong promptly admitted it." Same steps and traditions worked for a much different recovery reason. There are alot of "A"s...truthfully ALCOHOLICS in my area that are coming into the Al-Anon Family Groups with the admission that stopping the boozing was one thing, learning how to live was another. I can verify this from my experience.
Might you have gotten some useful feedback from your sponsor regarding your situation? Might your sponsor have helped you to link up the similarity of detaching from the bottle and or your drinking problem with your wife's behavior?
Keep going after it. The picture will become very clear if you want to understand. For me it resulted in one of those many "Ahaaas" that we talk about that follow useful discovery.
I feel I have not expressed myself properly. The terms that were used to me before I was alanon were terms I did not understand. It wasn't about the discussion, but the presentation that I tried to undertand but could not. It was as if i was being talked to in French. I take full responsibility for my part and own my actions and do my best to keep my side of the street clean. My share was about us as alanons understanding that we have grown to a way of looking at issues that aren't always understood by others and I feel we should try to recognize that so we are better understood when we present our boundaries and our feelings. I t is about communication.
Hey, I appreciate where you are coming from. My sister is very Alanoonese. I am learning to be an Alanoonese but I am very much an alcoholic with 19 years sobriety. When I was reading what you wrote I was cheering and then I realized wish somewhat of an epiphany that my sister has tried to tell me things so many times and I just don't get it. I think that she is protecting herself, she loves me but she has problems too. She is doing the best she can. I love her dearly but there have been many times I have not been there for her, even in sobriety. I am still very selfish. I am not putting all the blame on me, but I heard myself in what you were saying. I can't blame her because she is working her Program. You have given me some insight. You see, I have looked at it from my perspective, my pain, my hurt over her hurting me. I never thought about how I make her feel. There are reasons that she has pretty much ended our relationship. I appreciate your sharing. I am definately going to keep coming back. I know it is hard to go through what you are going through. I wish relationships were black and white. I wish there was a manual that explained how to act and what to do and if you followed it then things would work out in our favor. But as life would have it, we are in a learning experience. Take care friend, and keep coming back.
