Missing my mom - Al-Anon Family Group

Unsure · Veteran Member

Missing my mom

Lunamoth · ~*Service Worker*~

((((Unsure))))

For me this is a year of firsts, and the upcoming holidays will be a first without my mom too. It's not easy and it's okay to say it's not. My A was the focus of my anger at losing my mom...it just seemed like a perfect place to toss all my hurt. That only lasted a while-- it just didn't make me feel better and that was what I really wanted.

We all deal with grief differently. I'm glad you came here and let some of it spill out. Holding it in just isn't healthy. I think that people want to be helpful in saying keep busy, only there has to be that time we take to just feel the pain and that is enough to stop our world -- we just can't let it stop us indefinately.

I started feeling better when I started letting myself feel what I was feeling -- and I quit trying to put a clock on it as to when I should be "okay" -- I'm still not okay, and I miss my mom. But it is getting better.

((((((lots of hugs to you)))))

Luna

Heartbroken · Senior Member

((((lunamoth))))

I am 57, and my mum died just two and a half years ago. Grief is something different for everyone of us. We all deal with it in our own way and in our own time. People all try to say or do or advise the right thing to do, and usually they all mean well though they advise from their own perspective.

There are five stages to grief and they do not always come in a set pattern or as a series. Sometimes the stages get mixed up and you sound as though you are angry at this stage, hence the bitterness and the resentment ...why are they alive and here, when I only want my mom...well that is ok, it is reasonable, it is rational at a time when the mind is sometimes very irrational.

I have just posted a piece about being lonely but not alone but feeling the rejection and alot of this is to do with mourning the death of my mum, and the loss of my husband, and other members of my family... and when I read your post my heart just ached and broke for you too.

You will be in my prayers as you go through the stages of grief and I hope too that you can find the compassion to see that most of those who are around you probably really mean well, you just cannot see it because you don't want them, you want your mom.

A long as you live, your mom is living too, but inside you and in your heart and in your mind and in the very air that you breathe, for you are her child and of her flesh.. I hope that these thoughts might help to console you alittle in your loss and bring your mom closer to you.

with love.
Heartbroken.

cookie1971 · ~*Service Worker*~

(((((Unsure, Luna and Heartbroken)))))

I lost my mom 10 years ago last Easter. Holidays don't ever get any easier, but I have learned to trust HP (My God). In times past I have found my mom with me in the form of different people.

When my brother got married 5 years ago, his new mother in law adopted us into their family. I have spent every mothers day at their house since my brother got married. We have a special Christmas dinner with them and also share birthdays.

Tonight the topic on the online Al-anon meeting was grief. I was helped very much by the sharing we had. Above all remember that grief is a process, and the feelings you are having are a normal part of this process.

Every day of my life, I am conscious that my mom is watching over me from her place in heaven. I am comforted by knowing that she is saving a place for me at the table and I'll join her there one day.

I will keep you all in my prayers. Keep sharing here and we'll all be here to listen

With love and compassion,

Cookie

Christy · ~*Service Worker*~

((((unsure))))

You know, if you feel like crying, you should cry. If you feel like getting away and being alone, do it. You do whatever it takes to get to where you need to be.
If you don't want to attend Thanksgiving with eggs and casserole in hand...don't. They'll get over it. You should be allowed to grieve in your own way in your own timeframe.
My belief is that we are energy and energy can't die, it just changes form. I just bet your Mom is right beside you on a different spiritual plain, or Heaven, whatever you want to call it.

I too know that pain in my own way. My Mom had a stroke at a very young age (54) and Mom as I knew her changed forever. I'm very grateful she survived, but she is a different Mom then the one I had. No one understood my grief either.

Christy

Karilynn · ~*Service Worker*~

"Her heart was made of holidays. Her smile was made of dawn. Her laughter was an April song, that echoes on and on...."

(((((((Unsure)))))),

I lost my Mom when I was 19. I remember my sister complaining that I did not grieve the way she thought I should. (I did not cry at the funeral.) We all grieve in different ways, because we are all human beings. There is no right or wrong way to do this.

It's okay to cry and scream and be mad. It took me months before I could let it out. Perhaps it was my defense mechanism. Perhaps I wasn't ready for the grief to come. Whatever the reasons, it came when it came. To this day, I still "talk" to my Mom when I need her. She's always right there for me, 25 years later. I was blessed to have her for 19 years, and my father for 35 years. I could have had them for 3 years.

The first set of holidays and birthdays are always the toughest. Some how, you find a way to get through them. I still hear songs that remind me of them. Even the everyday things you find a way without knowing it. I found one thing that helped me get through those initial times was to write a journal to her. Much like writing a letter to her, but I kept it in a book. It didn't have to be anything big, but sharing even the little things like "I got a B on my exam today when I thought I would fail it!" or "I really miss you today Mom."

If you honestly don't feel like being a part of Thanksgiving then don't. I didn't. But I decided at one point instead of sitting home alone, I volunteered at a shelter to serve meals to the homeless. It somehow made a sad day into a not so sad day because I was reminded that there are others less fortunate than I was. I also felt more connected to her when I was there. Like she was looking down and smiling at me.

Take good care of yourself. You'll get through this. Just give yourself time and be gentle with yourself. Love and blessings to you and your family.

Live strong,
Karilynn & Pipers Kitty

P.S. Perhaps our Moms are becoming friends and looking down and smiling at us. I like to think so.

Andrea12 · ~*Service Worker*~

(((((Unsure))))),

I understand your feelings. I have my mom, but I lost my husband. Grief is an awful thing, I also understand what you mean about things will get better in time, like you I feel worse. I don't understand it yet, I cry when I need to cry, heck lately I have even gone outside and just screamed very loudly.

I am sorry for your loss. I know that doesn't help but truely I am. I don't have any words of wisdom because I hurt like hell as well.

I hope tomorrow is a better day for you. I am keeping you in my prayers. My 15 yr old son always says, things happen for a reason.

Sometimes we just don't get the reason, hold on to your family you have and try as you may to just get thru for now.

Andrea

marmare · ~*Service Worker*~

It's been over a year since I lost my mom. I miss her everyday, I still reach for the phone to call her at times and other times I wonder what she's doing when I realize she's not here anymore.
She was my best friend and confidant.
I lost my dad over 13 years ago and miss him everyday also. I don't think it hurts less over time it just hurts different.
I try to feel the feelings and work through them. I cry, I laugh, I hurt, and then I talk to my mom. I say outloud..."I sure do miss you mom."
Hang in there, be gentle with yourself.
Hugs

Unsure · Veteran Member

Thank you all for your kind words. I wish that my husband would offer a few and a hug now and again, that would help alot, but he is looking to heal his hurt with sex, and right now, that isn't in me........lol.
I keep telling myself that I will emerge from this horrible nightmare to the point that it is just a bad dream, and then will be a dream and then it will become a good dream, and the pain will lessen and my head will clear and then I will be able to hear her voice and her words of wisdom guiding and leading me along my path until we meet again. In the meantime, I go to her house, I pack a few things, I listen to the quiet and I cry. I hold one of her shirts and sniff, just to see if I can smell her on it, thinking that will help, I wash up all her pretties for an estate sale, I cry. I have no desire to let go of anything yet, they are all I have left. Yet I know I have to for the estate. I haven't been able to bring anything home yet, acceptance hasn't quite reached that point yet. She overcame so many difficult illnesses in the last few years and came home, I keep expectly the phone to ring and it be her telling me she is feeling better and is home from the hospital and that my sister is staying with her for a few days, yet in the back of my mind I know that will not happen, but my mind just tells me at this point these items are not mine to bring home, yet I know they are. My sister has no trouble with it, shes older and has been away from this town for years and years. She is used to being away from our mother and not talking to her 5-6 times a day and seeing her every night to help out around the house or take her to the doctor, or to go get her groceries. I feel like I am in a hugh fog, yet at the same time, I feel the pain and know the truth, but am not quite willing to believe yet. I think I need to go for a bit of grief counselling, but we are only one vehicle at this moment, my car blew a valve and isn't running, and my husband works evenings, so we are sharing the one vehicle until we can get the car fixed. So at this point, I stay home and work on getting our new house in order, which we were in the middle of moving into when my mother died. So much at once to deal with, aside from full time work. But I will survive and be the stronger for it, because God lead me here, he will get me through.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.