The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
The holidays are almost on us and they are the time I had the worst time with the A. Last year on Thanskgiiving in my normal over reactive mode I struggled to make a huge feast for him. He went out got stoned, drugged whatever and couldn't even stand up. Yet somehow it was important to him that I spend weeks setting up this meal. I was always in constant action to make it up to him for something, that he had a cold mother, that he had no money. That was one of his maxims make it up to me!
This year my holidays are in a flux. My house may be in a transition, it might now. I have set boundaries about what I will and won't do which is great because I tend to over react to everything. The more I look at it the likelihood of my being able to cook a meal that is Thanksgiiviing is remote at best.
I am no longer willing to set myself up. i've had quite enough of that.
So what do I find msyelf doing, total day drams about going to some 4 star restaurant and sampling gourmet cuisnes (did I say that when I cooked Thanksgiivng for the exA I went completely over the top the last few years). So here I am again going over the top. I don't actually need truffle oil. I just need a plan.
So now I am trying to be in reality which is hard for me because I don't much like reality but then I don't like over recting either. I need to come up with a plan of something that is bearable for me. I don't want to feel deprived. I also had Thanksigivings with the exA where I did nothing but seethe and resent that he chose to go get drunk loaded at his mother's. Whatever it was on the holiday he never chose me. I guess I wasn't that appealing being full of resentment but when I broke my back for him and cooked a gourmet meal that wans't enough to stop him being loaded either. Guess it had nothing to do with me after all! So much for the world revolving around me.
I was going to try to work over the holiday but I don't know how realistic that is. I have not yet found anything that I can do without going to the hospital because I can only work so many hours. I found a small part time job and although I am the queen of over reaction I don't actually want to send myself into a coma by working too much. I may find something I may not.
The issue for me is how do I not over react. How do I plan something constructive and how do I get through it without feeling incredibly lonely ( I felt that every single day with the exA but no more so than on the holidays where I felt completely worthless and abandoned every single year).
You are really smart to be thinking of a plan b, I think. I struggle with this also. I have a good safe, sane place to spend thanksgiving, this year. Its not with my AH. We are separated. one year he took off into the mountains near his sisters home in the middle of the night and i ran after him. we were up all night long and left at the break of dawn w/o saying good bye we were so embarrassed. it was horrible. I was so confused. I remember waking up his mom and asking for help and she just laughed and rolled over and went back to sleep. that thanksgiving was so totally insane and i am pretty sure it was the first one we spend with his family. I wont do that anymore. he can run off and do whatever he wants and someone else can chase after him. I am going to have a nice thanksgiving with people I like and people who like me. plain and simple: its my plan B which has become my Plan A. Are there program friends you can plan a thanksgiving with?
I have been thinking about this too here and there because I am pretty certain that the A will ask me to come over for both holidays and I don't want him to but this is the time when I feel most obliged. How bout you come to my house and we'll eat together and not answer the phone? LOL
