The material presented
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level.
...this is really hard for me to face, and yet I do face this every day.
Today I felt very lonely but knew I was not alone and yet rejection tears me apart.
Even so, I still felt very lonely because I am on my own here, in this house however I feel rejected because the telephone never rings, there are no emails in my mail box, no letters come through the post, and no text messages encourage me to look forward to the day. It makes me wonder whether I should bother with all these means of communication when those I love do not bother to use them to say something good. It seems it has to be hatred and cutting or NOTHING AT ALL.
I have not heard from my daughter since her last abusive texts/emails, and whilst I am still working on the first few steps of the programme, I cannot help feeling that I am not making much progress because I am lonely. and not dealing with the rejection. In fact I am not sure I know how to deal with the rejection.
Each day is difficult to face after all these years of battling against the emptiness I feel inside of me. Each day seems to be one more day nearer to the end of my life and I feel it is wasted if I have not told those who mean so much to me, that I love them. They are physically too far away (280 miles) to hug me, but a text or an email or a phone call HUG would be so much appreciated. I nhave tried my best to explain how I feel but it is either not listened to, not understood, or simply dismissed as being 'silly'.
Instead, I cry and tell my God that I love them and ask for Him to send that love to them in a way that they can accept it without knowing it is from me, because I cannot bear the thought of that love being rejected by them. I have so much love inside to give and it is rejected by the very ones I want to give it to the most.
It does not stop me appreciating that I have more to live for these days, I don't cower and hide. I stand tall and I feel strong enough to believe a little in me, however, I still have trouble with all the rejection in my life and the lack of reciprocated love.
I do not know how to cope with this and it tears me apart.
How do you deal with this, that is if it applies to you?
I would love to know.
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"The highest form of wisdom is kindness." The Talmund
I feel the despair in your post. I am glad you are coming here to vent it. I am so sorry you feel so rejected and lonely. I know it is early in your program but what I have learned here in the last year, will help you, I know it will. You eventually learn to take care of YOU, and quit worrying about what family or friends or people will do or not do. I know it sounds strange, but you will find such self-worth and happiness that you won't even worry about this. I know as a mother you have been through hell (it sounds like) and I am sorry for that.
However, God loves you and we love you. You are not alone in this world. I have found that when I feel sorry or lonely - I try to reach out to someone else. It is amazing what that can do for you.... do you have anywhere around where you can volunteer or speak with a person in need? There are PLENTY of people in this world who would love someone to talk to as well!
The only thing with that, is if you are not ready to help someone yet (trying to heal yet yourself) then don't force it until you are ready. Online friends are great, but it is a bit detached from face to face human contact....
My brother is far away from home. He is a very lonely person. He has had epilepsy his whole life and we sheltered him, always checking on him and worrying about him. He got sick of us "mothering" him and moved away. We never know whether he has had a seizure and found in the middle of the street, or whether he has been robbed, etc. (many horrible things have happened to him). For some reason, he has trouble reaching out to others in life, and therefore has no friends, just his family who are miles away. I really worry about him, whether he needs a hug, there is no one to just HUG him! We all need hugs. However, he does work as a Certified Nurse Assistant in a nursing home, and he tells me about all of the friends he makes there, the older, perhaps dying people that no one visits. He is sad when they die, but he absolutely loves their friendship. So, really, I take that back. He does have friends. Just not the conventional "friend" one thinks about - like his own age or someone he can just hang out with. He cares for them.
Anyway, sorry to ramble, I just really don't want you to feel so bad. Check out my grateful list and think of things you are grateful for. You are a wonderful writer and such a sensitive, deep thinker. Please take care of your heart and soul and do something nice for yourself today.
I can relate to a lot in your post. You absolutely don't have to be alone to feel lonely. Mother Teresa said it was the worst form of poverty. Part of my recovery is accepting people for who they are. Seeing them truthfully for who they are can be painful at times, but accepting them in the end, I find freeing.
The best thing I can do for myself when I feel lonely and rejected is to attend my regular AA meeting. I hope you have that as an outlet and if you haven't tried a meeting, you will do it for you. Coming here is a wonderful place to to find care and support as well.
Take care of yourself. Do something for you today! So glad you posted today. Keep coming back.
I too have had issues with expressing my love for people who are just simply not capable of returning that back to me. At some point I just decided that to keep my sanity, I had to be able to show my love because I wanted to. I put it out there like a piece of cake. And it was their choice to pick it up or not.
Very very tough concept and I am still not able to do it always... but when I expect kindness and tenderness and respect... I often expect too much. More than others are able to give sometimes.
But when I offer it without expectations... I often feel good that I showed how I felt.
Just my thoughts....
I can tell you are in great pain, and I hate to hear that. I hope you find some comfort here.
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
Thank you for listening and letting me give vent to the pain inside.
For many years I was a Samaritan and only gave it up when I knew that I was in crisis and needed to walk away from that scene in order to address my personal issues. Even so, I still find that many many people come to me to talk for I am a good listener.
Some of the points made by you all have struck me like lightening bolts and I realise that, whilst I no longer expect anything from my daughter it does not stop me from yearning for that ideal relationship that I hold near to my heart.
My mother died two and a half years ago, and strangely enough, even though it was so unexpected she spent years regretting cutting me and my family out of her life, [even though she broke the olive branch that I offered time and time again] just days before her untimely death she said that she felt that she had wasted so many opportunities and had run out of time to make it all work out. I did not know at that time just how much time she had left. 36 hours, that was all. How very tragic and awesome that statement sounded in the days just after her death.
I do not want to go to my grave with the same kind of regrets that she felt; however, step one, I have to remind myself, says that I am powerless - and this is the point in question - over my daughter's reactions and responses [ just as I was over my mother's] ...I can only be powerful of my own reactions and responses. And everything in my body, mind and spirit tells me that life is too short to go on like this. Yet I cannot effect the change in my daughter so I guess I am at that stage where I have to work out how to change me, how to protect me from my aching heart.
That is the enigma. I do NOT know yet what to change in me for I feel that I am not only in mourning over the death of my mother, and even the loss of my husband to alcoholism and his consequent remarriage and attendant missed opportunities, but I am also mourning the missed opportunities that my daughter is creating in the situation as it stands. It seems that the cycle of events will never end.
So I have not come to accept fully the things that I cannot change, nor have I found the true courage to change the things that I can in order to gain the serenity I need in my life to go on.
It is the serenity that I strive for the most...and I can see that it is only here, in this family that I will be aided to find it. I will find it, I am sure, but I have to accept that it may take more time than I am first thought it would at this stage.
Thank you, for your posts. You cannot know how much I appreciate them and that you take the time to read them and respond to them. I can make lists of the things I am grateful for - indeed I am very good at that for it is one way of not thinking about the painful things, but that has not always be a good thing for me in the past as I have not addressed the real issues, hence it has taken me so many years to get to this point now.
This is why I am determined to face my terrors and fears, and not hide from them. I need to stand face to face with them now before it is too late, with no expections of others, but with realistic expectations of myself.
Thank you again,hersh and Leetle and retexas, may God's blessings be upon you and those you love this night and always. Amen
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"The highest form of wisdom is kindness." The Talmund
Maybe just allow yourself to grieve - accept that you will feel bad right now, and don't worry about it (I know that sounds silly, but hope you know what I mean). One thing that alcoholics need to learn, and sometimes we need to learn it too - feeling bad won't kill you. Not all negative emotions need to be comforted away. Sometimes it is necessary to feel that pain, in order to lessen its hold on us.
I just wanted to address something you said. You said that you offered the olive branch to your Mother several times and she broke it. In the end she was sorry for all the wasted time and you didn't want to feel the same way.
The thing is, it seems you are again the one offering the olive branch. You are not the one breaking it. You are not the one that should feel that time was wasted. When it comes to your family, it is their turn to feel that. You are a loving and kind person, you may see that they are not accepting your love right now but I don't think you will ever be the one saying you wasted time by offering love. You also said you want to tell them you love them. Don't let their issues stop you. There may be rejection but they will also know they are loved and you may find some serenity in saying it (or e-mailing) to them and knowing you are doing what feels right for you.
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
"...Very very tough concept and I am still not able to do it always... but when I expect kindness and tenderness and respect... I often expect too much. More than others are able to give sometimes.
But when I offer it without expectations... I often feel good that I showed how I felt...."
(((rtexas)))
thank you so much for this rtexas. I have read and re-read the responses to my post and yours just STOOD OUT A MILE.
I never thought of it that way...however I will from now on...and I know you to be right as I have done the second part of your quote repeatedly.
So just for today, I WILL not think about the first part and I WILL concentrate on the second part...who knows, tomorrow I MAY BE ABLE to continue with this, and then I will take ONE DAY AT A TIME.
Thank you so much, I love ((you)) so much for sharing this wisdom. May you have a wonderful day.
Susan [Heartbroken]
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"The highest form of wisdom is kindness." The Talmund
