The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Life as we know it will be changing soon, and I am trying to stay faithful and out of the fear of what might be.
My ah, a medical professional, entered himself into the Diversion Program. Essentially what this means is that a private company is going to manage his life to make darn sure he stays sober. Consequence if he doesn't? Yep, losing his professional license (not to mention his/our whole life as we know it). I believe this is a privledge and we are fortunate to have such help available. However, it is not going to be easy, though I know in the long run it will be a heck of a lot easier than my ah sprialing down on his own.
As a result of the program, he must limit his work hours to 32 per wk (negotiated from suggested 20 - and did I ever mention he's a workaholic too?), he needs to hire an associate (uh, not sure how to afford that...), 90 AA meetings in 90 days, 2 addl different meetings per wk, personal weekly counseling by someone who is approved, and weekly random drug and alcohol testing where he must go when called and by day's end or he will be considered noncompliant. We live in a rural community and all these services will be 30 min out of town. Oh, and he has to meet with the State Board for review every 3 months. Along with all this he needs to work and make money. Whew!
I do think this will be different than his rehab experience last Feb where he went via an intervention and essentially had nothing to lose except his addictions. This time ihe has everything he has worked his whole life for on the line.
Although he has mentioned he felt forced into entering, he has expressed relief. He isn't mad, but very somber. He knows it is necessary. Yesterday I ran into our friend who agreed to be his sponsor and he told me my ah spontaneously stopped by and talked to him for 2.5 hrs yesterday. This guy is nice, but tough (a vietnam vet). He said he told my ah that if he was going to do it he better be serious and he is not going to be chasing his a** all over town. He said my ah said he was. We'll see..
I cannot tell you how long I've yearned to hear about such an encounter. I cried with relief. Now, I know this does not guarantee sobriety or hope for the future, but it is a huge positive step. Since he has been relatively stagnant since he got out of rehab 8.5 mos ago, that is enough for me today.
As for me, I am looking for f/t work and have a great prospect that will be totally flexible to my needs. I will continue with f2f meetings, and counseling for both me and the kids. I will strive to make necessary changes in my behavior and aim to get peace in my household. My hardest task will be trying not to get consumed with thoughts of losing our business, our house, divorce, etc..
I am afraid my ah is going to ask to move back in because he is almost out of money. I don't see that as being a healthy option, but given the financial status of our business right now along with the changes that are to come, I don't know what other choice we will have. Not sure what to do, but will cross that bridge when it comes. The way I see it, he will have to end up committing totally to sobriety and our marriage, or divorce. I was just hoping to wait until after the holidays and some sobriety to tackle that one.
Thanks for being here. I've had little sleep the past few weeks and my head has been spinning. I think it may be starting to slow just a little..
Blessings, Lou
-- Edited by Loupiness at 13:47, 2007-10-26
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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
Hey Lou, this is really good news. You sound positive and RELIEVED :), I am sooo glad for you. No I didn't miss all the hard stuff in your post . . . it's all true. But dang it, it's a far shot better than the "spiral" into ruin, which is where he was headed.
One day at a time hon.
Good luck on securing yourself some income. It's funny how things work, but when a person starts taking steps in the right direction, all kinds of "providential" things happen. It will help you feel more in control of your own life, and the business will help keep fearful thoughts of the future at bay. A job for you covers so many bases!
Boy they don't give him any wiggle room, do they :D . No wonder they only want him to work 20 hrs a week, he'll be spending that at least in meetings and self help/counseling. But god bless 'im, he's going to need it.
I'm so glad for ALL of you. Stay strong!
Are you out of the way of those dam fires? I've been wondering about you down there.
I have definitely been on the spiral to ruin. The people who helped me were those who did not judge. The A;s uncle helped immensely. He was the one who pointed out so much to me. He did care about the A but also had a clear sense of his limits. I have limits these days. I had none before.
I can tell you it is possibel to be ruined and make it back. I definitley did not work well when the A was acting out. After a time spearated from the A my work options improved immensely. I found it almost impossible to set limits with the A now I don't. Admittedly I do not live with him now but that also wasn't an issue about lmits before either.
Counselling definitely helped me tremendously. I have even started to look out for some more. Al anon and this group in particular helped tremendously.
I would never after my experience hang my hat on an A getting sober. I would try to have a plan b, as sketchy as it is I try always to have a plan b.
Just want to add - there is no need to be trapped in "either/or" - you may have many other choices, that you are not allowing yourself to see.
There is a reason we are advised not to make any drastic decisions for a year after starting a program. This appllies to you, but also to him.
Just as an example, if finances mean he can no longer afford to live on his own, he can live in a room in the basement, while the two of you decide whether you actually want to be married. Not to say that this is what you should do, but an example of a way you can deal with the needs of the moment, without forcing choices that one or both of you are not ready to make. If you really look at your options with an open mind, there is probably more flexibility there than you think at first.
