The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
It seems to me that I raged a tthe A for like 7 years, about his friends (who moved into the house lock stop and barrel) his family (who always came first), his money (he never had any), his hours (he was always at work he claimed then he claimed he never got paid), his decisions (usually nothing to do with me), his lifestyle (sleep all day up all night), his treatment of me and more.
I raged on and on and on and nothing much changed. I certainly let him know how I felt. That made very little difference.
These days I have very very very little contact with the A. I work super hard not to be involved in his life on any level. I do not expect him to tell me the truth. I do not expect him to take care of things. I fully expect him to at some point come and beg me to help him. My expectations are zero.
I wonder now why I never married up my expectations with the ragings. I raged because he broke my boundaries but that's all I did rage. I would set limits sometimes like about the friends but I was surely punished for that. I was manipulated over and over and over again.
I know there were a lot of isues to my leaving him, money , access, a space to call my own, support and more. I also know that I had no idea how to enforce a boundary. I was the ultimate people pleaser. I was also the ultimate trier. I kept trying even when he lied to my face, stole my vehicle, lied every other second. I still kept trying to make the unworkable work I was waiting for a miracle. The miracle, of course happened in my expectations. I now expect nothing of him, need nothing from him and wonder what I was ever in love with (the mirage, the fantasy, the myth? ).
After the raging there seems to be a sea of emptiness that I now have to fill up with self care and I don't much know how to do that on any level.
I know what you mean. For me going to school was the best thing it consumed my mind. You just have to find something positive to fill that hole (listen to me, ms. bored and agitated LOL) Thanks for your comment by the way. I think you're right, this too shall pass and I'll feel better. I do have some so so aquaintances and I KNOW I just need to work on building my relationships with the people I have around.
Self care takes practice. Keeping a little busy seems to help. I take care of my livestock, homeschool my 7 yo, and in my spare time( LOL) I like to spin yarn on a drop spindle or take the kids horseback riding. That and the household keeps me busy. I try to make sure I make time for my own hobby (spindling) as it is relaxing and enjoyable. But I still have times when I realize I haven't really done anything for me in days and days. Than I try to slow down and refocus.
I guess it just takes time. We'll get the hang of it:)
In recovery,
__________________
~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
Well, I think that we have all been through the ringer with these A's. It takes its toll because we don't spend much time on ourselves. I won't lie and say that life is just peachy without my A. Sometimes it just damn hard and lonely. I think that we are doing better then we think we are. We just can't see it. Afterall, we all coming to Alanon for ESH and that has to be worth something. What does your HP want for you?
Boy do I relate to the emptiness. I was so damned busy with the ex and her two sons I had absolutely no time for me. When that finally all changed and they were gone, there was a big ole hole in my life too.
So I got busy.
I got busy on one level reforming my physical world, ie, remodeling my house. Keeping myself busy working helped a bunch to keep my mind in the present instead of hanging out in the "what if" land of the past or hanging out in the "wonder what she is doing right now" land.
I also got busy working this program. It was so very obvious to me at that time that the best part of my life, the part where I could feel love was within the rooms of al-anon.
I wanted to fill that big ole hole in my life, and somehow I made the wonderful choice of filling it with recovery. Meetings, literature, service work, conventions, talking with my sponsor, talking with my new program friends, going back to church (or was that really going to church for "real" for the first time).
The hole is getting filled. But beautifully, at that same time, some of the garbage I don't want in that hole is getting dumped out as well, so I continue to have room inside to put more and more good stuff in there.
In a reading from C2C last night, it saids something along the lines of someone seeing serenity as boring. They visualized serenity as someone sitting on the top of a mountain with a silly grin on their face. I thought that too, how boring can that be!! lol
Serenity, peace, is so contrary to the chaos and drama I lived with before, it takes some getting used to for sure. There is feeling of wonder attached to it, I wonder when the chaos will start up again? To be sure life goes on. To be sure it is never gonna all be peaches and creme. But because of filling up that hole with so much of the hope and love and strength, available in these rooms, walking through it one hand held by my HP and the other by the loving hand of Al-anon, it is all so much easier.
Thanks for the post, I guess I needed to "talk" this morning!
