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My ex-daughter-in-law has once again flabbergasted me! She divorced my son secretly (meaning we found out about it being final two weeks after the fact) due to his drinking beer every night and falling asleep.....no partying, no infedility, no job problems... so we didn't really understand it. They were married four years and she kicked him out of the house when the baby was seven months old. I continued to provide the baby's childcare until my cancer diagnosis this year. We have had hearbreak and problems for almost two years. My personal counselor says I have to set boundaries; that is hard to do when your grandbaby needs you and your son hurts so badly. I have not seen him drink for six months....realize, I haven't SEEN him drink....there is no AA or anything like that since he denies he has the kind of problem she outlined. He comes here 5 out of 7 days to see his son for about one hour; she refuses weekend visits unless we agree to hve them at our house. He is not allowed to call her altho she calls him, especially for help of some kind. He is not welcome at the house. So far he just hunkers down and takes blows every day and has had no legal advice...she told him didn't need a lawyer at the time of the divorce. I have drawn the line at hving the weekend visits at my home most weekends, so my son just doesn't see his child two days a week. So what is my problem today? She asked me to keep the baby while she goes on a three days trip to relax with friends. She said if we didn't keep him, she would have to make "other arrangements"...what would you have said? He belongs with family not "other arrangements". This is her second vacation in four months. My husband and I haven't had one in two years; my son cannot afford to take even one day off from his job. I kept the baby four months ago for the same reason...well, my husband did most of the keeping along with our son since I was in the hopsital for some of those days with chemo. Anyway, the baby is in daycare now that I cannot keep him daily (which we did from age 3 months to 20 months, nothing asked in return) and we pick him up each afternoon. This morning mom arrived with his suitcase for his stay before she left. It included a half there Halloween costume for his school thing tomorrow (parts missing..she said OH WELL), and mismatched, wrinkled and dog-haired clothing and NO SHOES. Whatever he is wearing on his feet at school today (it could be crocs) he will wear unless the one pair I have here still fits. I was appalled that with all the clothes this baby has that all of us have bought, she would bring what she did in the condition she did. I am furious. I am washing them all. I will go shopping for new shoes (she doesn't want us in HER house altho I have a key) and a couple of clothing items. Oh, no PJ'S either. Am I being picky? I don't think so. I know all of you ex wives out there will probably think I am the nasty mother-in-law. I know that I am not. I never interferred. I have supported her through all this in spite of the despicable way she is treating my son. The only recourse my husband and I have is to take whatever is dished out by both of them; our son is so angry we often get the brunt of that. I have posted about this before, but I had to vent today. My BP has skyrocketed this morning; my cancer treatment was rough and long and I have no assurances that it will not come back. The stress levels are just awful. So I appreciate having this site to visit. I always feel pretty lucky when I read some of your posts about the horrible behavior of your A's.....if my son is one, he must be the most talented A in the world to hide behavior and consequences from us because we don't and haven't seen much. Certainly not like some of you write about. Which is why I am so confused and so angry. Nothing seems fair and I cannot imagine being happy ever again with things going as they are. But first and foremost is this grandchild...which is why I try to stay in control of myself...only my husband and I seem to be putting his welfare first.
hi Oma, remember, we cannot change anyone but ourselves. I am sad to hear of the cancer diagnosis.It is a horribly hard path with all the app. pain,sickness and worry.
As far as your son's alcoholism, honey just the way they act when they use, can be enough to not want to live with them. We don't know what they have been through.We cannot change the situation,it is out of our control.The best thing is to let it go.
When you think about it,pray or if you are not into that, change your thoughts as soon as it comes up. We can break the habit of thinking on something.
Your son is an adult. His illness is making you sick, again we must let go,allow him to take care of himself.
As far as the baby, when you let go of the rest, your total focus can be on your precios g child. When she wants to leave him with you, tell her you do not want details, just when she will be picking him up.
In my experience, it is up to me to draw the line as to what I want in my life. I don't want drama in my life.
Ya see when you stop all that bs madness that you cannot control, it leaves you with the love to care for that baby, you and husband.
debilyn, I fully GET that I cannot change anyone else. Actually, I don't think I am trying to change anyone anymore...I used to think I could make a difference. I have learned better. My question in my post was meant to be: WHY would my ex DIL bring the kind of clothes, dirty, wrinkled, etc. for three days and NO SHOES? What caused her to think like that? She is very very smart and educated; she knows what we do for her. She knows that my relationship with my son has been terribly altered since the divorce. So was her behavior to me with this weekend a slap in the face? She comes home very late Sunday evening and wants to pick the child up even tho he will have been long asleep. I offered to keep him overnight to avoid waking him. She said "NO, I prefer to pick him up" with no consideration for my husband's and my bedtime, etc. WHY? What causes behavior like this from someone whom I have only give my best time and energy to for the child's sake? Can anyone answer that?
I don't really think it does any good to analyze why she is behaving the way she is, just to either accept it or not. I know when I first left my A I had a few months of acting crazy partying all the time and then it got out of my system and now I am a much more responsible mom. Perhaps this is what she's going through? Relishing her freedom? As Debilyn said, you have no idea what actually happened, only what people let you in on. Maybe after a little time she will get straightened out and do better. The only thing I can think of is to talk to her about your feelings and concerns IE bringing inappropriate clothes, no shoes, not respecting your bedtimes, etc.
Also, DOCUMENT EVERYTHING for yourself because if she is heading down a bad road you may end up wanting to fight for custody and keeping an informal journal of neglect and poor parenting could be VERY helpful to you later. It can't hurt to just keep a notebook of the things that have been bothering you about her parenting JUST IN CASE. I am currently in the process of collecting all the horrible dirt on my A to send to my mother (to be opened only if i DIE) that would provide her with information to use in a custody battle if she had to. I guess that saying prepare for the worst and hope for the best comes in here?
Also, just wondering but does she really have "other arrangements" what would these be? Or is this just a tactic to get you to do what she wants and be able to go do whatever she wants whenever she wants? Just curious.
I don't have any answers for the why's. I do see where some boundaries may be helpful to you. Like when she wants to pick the child up late, you could previously tell her that you will to keep the child all night so it doesn't wake the whole household if she is going to be late again..If there is no option, she can't prefer anything.
If you enjoy the time with your grandchild then try to focus on that. If you are watching him because she said she would find an alternative, then let her. Do you have reason to believe that she would allow someone to watch him that isn't capable? Has she ever left the child with anyone that isn't capable? If not, these are your own fears manifesting without any grounds. Perhaps she said that to manipulate you. Perhaps she wouldn't be able to find someone else and would have to stay home. Who knows? It seems you are feeling manipulated and used, you can stop that at any time by saying "no", (unless you have solid reason to believe the child will be in harms way). I recall learning to say NO. I thought the world would blow up. Nothing happened. The person said "OK" and that was the end of it. Dirty wrinkled clothes? How important is it? Wash them. There are no shoes with the clothes? Maybe he has them on. I agree with your counselor, boundaries would be benificial. You said it's hard when the baby needs you. It seems in actuallity the Mother needs you, not the baby especially. There is not a lot you can do about your son hurting either, this is his journey. We teach people how to treat us.
Take care Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
I think that my answer to why she does this is that those things are just not important to her. I think a lot of young mothers these days (not all.....) are not really concerned with what the clothes their children are wearing look like. I could not wait to have a granddaughter to dress them in little dresses with pinafores and bows in their hair. When I take them out I want them to look adorable. I love dressing them and taking them out but that is just from where I came from many years ago. It is not like that anymore and my 2 granddaughters hardly like to wear anything I buy them to wear. They mix and match colors, stripes with patterns and wrinkled clothes and many types of shoes. They don't care....they are happy, so I have just let them wear whatever they want. I can't even control that..... lol I don't even buy them clothing anymore. It is a waste of money. I do buy some underware, socks and pjs to keep at my house. I am pretty safe with those.
Now, as far as her picking them up so late, maybe you can set a boundary there. That is putting you and hubby out. When I do things that I really don't want to do I get resentful.
I am a mom. I have no family. My inlaws ONLY come around when they smell drama. I would say just keep taking great care of your grandbaby. His parents might someday recognize how truly awsome you behaved in an awful, uncomfortable, unfair situation. Or they may never realize. But, you will have the unconditional love of a child whom you guided to adulthood. When adults lose focus and hate each other it is only the children who suffer. My mil ran away from my kids when they needed her most. Why? I don't know, I guess I scared her, or she had yoga class or something. She sure as hell wasn't dealing with cancer. So, although we may never be nominated for mother of the year or even recognized for protecting our children, we know in our hearts we did what was right and loving. And in my case, I might be the only one in the world who is doing that. And you might be too. Ofcourse you are angry! You didn't ask for any of this. You don't need this. It should be better, it should be right and they should be the kind of parents they SHOULD be. But the reality is they are not and you have choosen to take on this responsibility. Good for you! You have choices, you do not HAVE to do anything. You really, truly don't. You are making the best choices for your grandson. Just make sure to take care of yourself in the process so that you can continue to take care of him!
Speaking as a mom of 2 small children, married to an A, let me tell you some of my story. My AH is the nicest person you ever want to meet. At least that's what everyone thought. We were one of those couples that people ask "why did he marry that B****?" But noboby, and I do mean nobody, knew how he was at home. Even my own mother was totally taken in by his lies and insinuations.
And believe me, I helped. My behavior was bad to say the least. I bought right in to every fight. I allowed him to isolate me. I was so hurt and in such pain, and my best friends, my mom, his mom, all thought I was the problem. He had them convinced that I wasted money and spent all he had. He told them all about my nagging and the fights, but of course left out the part that he brought no money home, thought it was his to do what he wanted with, didn't come home till all hours of the night, ran off to town every single day to deliberately avoid the family, and the list goes on and on. But he always sounded so picked on. And he would do nice things for them constantly to keep on their good side, but we live in what looks like a white trash dump. (Sorry to use that kind of language, but that's how I felt. I don't mean to offend anyone.)
I'm not saying that your dil is like me, but I know that none of us, including you, know what went on in that house. She is not perfect, none of us are, but the things that you describe sound like someone in intense pain that is just trying to cope the best she can. Sometimes the best we can is just not very good. I know at times my best was really pretty bad.
Maybe when she does things like this you could try to see it as someone in a lot of pain, not as a deliberate slap at you. It's probably not about you at all. This is where work your own program comes in. If you could get to some f2f meetings it would really help. Learn about this disease, so you can learn how to cope and protect yourself (emotionally) and the little one, too.
Addiction is an insidious disease. The emotional abuse that an addicted person puts the family through is silent torture. My AH could not have hit me harder with his fist than he did many times with the lies and manipulations. And he never has hit me once, physically.
Now he is coming to realize and admit to a lot of it. He has 57 days sober.
Anyway I hope this has helped. Take what you like and leave the rest.
(((((((((omajoy)))))))) You can be happy again regardless of what your s and dil do. And you can teach that precious child that, too.
In recovery,
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~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
Ok let me say in my experience in life, I have learned it does not matter what makes another person do what they do. Most the time they don't know themselves.
Even a therpist will ask the person,what do you think made you make that choice?
OMa my mil would say she loved me one day and the next be horribly evil to me. This went on for years. I finally realized it was just how she was. I have NO idea why. I asked her,"what did I ever do to you to make you treat me like this?" She could not answer.
The point I was making was, is we have no control over it even if we do know why.
In my life I choose to set boundaries, and not be concerned as to what makes people do what they do.
I know when I used to go crazy wanting to know, it just made me sick.So now I will concentrate on me and decide how I want to take it, or how I want to react or not react to it.
I feel like after we go thru this kinda bs, after awhile we learn how to react and not allow it to bring drama to us. If we don't, we will keep going thru it until we do. IF she is being neglectful, then it is up to you how to proceed.
I am sure you don't feel well, bless your heart, and you do not even need this stress. All you want is to love that g baby. You and husband may be the only stable people he has right now.
It looks like you are driving yourself crazy here, trying to figure out who is right, who is to blame, who is the bad guy. The thing is, you don't know, and it doesn't really matter. Maybe she is a total witch, and your son really does not even have a drinking problem. Doesn't matter.
He's not a little kid - if he is unhappy with his custody arrangements, he can get a lawyer and reopen them. He doesn't need her permission to do this. If he is OK with the way things are, then they will not change, unless YOU make some changes to the parts you don't like.
Have the child over to your house as often as you want to. As long as you talk to your DIL about arrangements with no animosity, and no hostility, and put the blame (where it belongs) on your health, she is unlikely to punish you by taking away all access to the child. If she does, that is ammunition for your son to get a better custody deal, because it would be unreasonable. If it works out that this way he doesn't see his child as much as he wants to, that is not your problem, it is his, and he can make changes in order to fix it.
The problem with giving and giving and giving, when you don't really want to, is that it fills you with resentment and anger. This spills out, and the whole justification for the giving, so that everyone will be happy, is blown. No one is happy, most of all not you. Better to give as much as you freely want to, out of the love in your heart. Forced love is no love at all.
It's not your job and only yours, to make this arrangement work. Everybody involved needs to be invested in it, not just you.
