I don't think my husband will stay sober.... - Al-Anon Family Group

Chetch · Veteran Member

I don't think my husband will stay sober....

carolinagirl · ~*Service Worker*~

Sorry to hear that, I know you were hoping for a miraculous recovery and to have your old husband back. I think the only thing you can do at this point is be supportive and try to do your own thing until he gets into the groove. If you can just continue on as if he's not back and do whatever you were doing while he was in rehab that might help? Just a thought. Hopefully things will get better for you just keep working on taking care of you.

Chetch · Veteran Member

Thanks for responding to me. I know that I am being unrealistic to think he would magically be his old self, but I can't seem to help this sinking feeling in my stomach. All I know to do is carry on as normally as I can. That means coming home and fixing dinner for us both, TV, (for him) and reading for me, going to sleep and getting up the next day and doing it all over again. He's a huge football fan, as am I, and we both went to Univ. of GA and we have the big GA/FLa game on Saturday. I'm hoping that is something we can both enjoy together.

Karilynn · ~*Service Worker*~

(((((((Chetch))))))),

The best thing you can do for you is to work your program. Get to some meetings in your area. It's his choice to go to AA or not. I know that sinking feeling. But as I've said before an addict is gonna do what an addict is gonna do, sober or not. There's nothing you can do about it. So focus on you and take care of you.

Love and blessings to you and your family.

Live strong,
Karilynn & Pipers Kitty

cookie1971 · ~*Service Worker*~

Sorry to hear that things are still not back to normal for you yet. You are getting some good advice from everyone. Just take care of you and continue to work on your own "recovery".

You won't make him get help but you can get help for yourself.

Bless you,

Cookie

thinkstoomuch · Senior Member

My husband had been sober for months when I complained to my sponsor about how we weren't talking at ALL. "He's still in very early recovery", she told me. "He's using every ounce of energy just to stay sober."

WHAT!!!, I said, after THREE MONTHS!!!!!

Yes, she said. It's impossible for us to understand the force of the compulsion to drink. He's not going to be able to hear you now - bring it to me, or to a meeting, or to somebody on the call list, where you CAN be heard.

It's now over 3 years later. Hubby is still sober - he's very dedicated to his AA meetings - and we are talking about important stuff again. Yet these words of my sponsor's are still something I remind myself of, because sometimes he still can't hear me.

Meetings will help YOU - no matter what happens with him, stranger or familiar drunk or new person.

lin0606 · ~*Service Worker*~

It's very very early in sobriety for him - think of him as convalescent. He might make it, he might not, but he doesn't have to drag you down with him, anyway.

One thing though - I don't believe that you ever "get your old husband back". An alcoholic who truely embraces sobriety and works on his recovery will not be the same person minus alcohol. He will (he has to) become someone new. This is why those of us who have gone through a spouse's recovery keep repeating that his sobering up is not the answer to all of your problems. It is entirely possible for an alcoholic to sober up, and the marriage to fail anyway. It happens all the time. The ONLY part of this you have any control over is your end of things. Keep the focus on you.

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Chech , well as someone ask me , what are u going to do it he does stay sober ??? hadn't thought of that as an option . Support his efforts at sobriety if your going to f2fmeetings for yourself he may follow , if your not please start your going to need them to live with sobriety.. He is sober and full of shame and guilt , hanging on by a thread and your right he HAS lost his best friend . Booze
As far as his going to bed after u do , give it time i'ts quite possible he is impotent it happens often when sober , but it dosent last long . Try and remember he dosnt feel lovable so keep your expectations low and look after your own needs find lots of meetings and you will fine . Louise

Jen · ~*Service Worker*~

I think Abby hit on the key here. I am trying to have NO expectations.

My AH is doing well for the moment, but it is not fair or productive for us to expect them to conform to our idea of what their recovery shoud look like. It is his recovery. He feels horrible about every single aspect of his life right now. That is for him to work through on his own. If we expect and they do not come through, then we just give them one more thing to feel horrible about. If we expect nothing and try to have a good attitude, we take the pressure off of them to try to march to our music. Then they can find their own rythym. That is why we say work your own program.

You don't have to ignore him, just learn how to stop internalizing his behavior that has nothing to do with you. Then you can be encouraging, instead of guilt laying, when he needs it. Am I making sense?

Chetch · Veteran Member

Hi Jen, Yes you are making perfect sense. I'm trying to give him all the space he needs and at the same time be my normal, cheerful self and act towads him as I always have. It seems to be coming along as he was a bit more talkative and relaxed last night. I am, without verbalizing it to him, as I have enough in the past and especially before he went into detox, filing for divorce if he starts drinking again. He knows this. I had an appointment with a divorce attorney and the retainer money in my hand at noon last Tuesday when he called me and asked me to take him to detox. I took him to detox and cancelled my lawyer appointment, but won't hesitate to go through with it if he starts drinking again. It worries me that he went to detox so I wouldn't leave him rather than going on his own, but if he keeps drinking like he has been he will die. I'm tring to save my sanity and his life. Does that make sense?

Jen · ~*Service Worker*~

Absolutely it makes sense, but just try to remember that you can not save him. He has to do that himself. I know that my AH has manipulated me along the way several times to force him to take the next step. The first time he went to an AA meeting, I had invited him to go and he put off saying yes all week until the last minute. I got so angry and then learned to tell him to do whatever he wanted, but I was going to MY (Alanon) meeting. Of course he went, but I let him make me responsible for a long time before I learned to step back (most of the time, LOL).

So just work on learning how to stay out of the trap of being responsible for his recovery. And that includes forcing a rosey attitude all the time. You are going through this too. You will not always feel happy, but he will have to learn how to get along with you too. Remember NOTHING you do will force him back out to drink, period.

So I guess what I'm saying is relax, take care of you and don't feel guilty for having a good day and not walking on eggshells.

In recovery,

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