The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have been thinking seriously about the responses I got about the A's emails and feeding the fire by replying to them. After thinking about that I started paying attention more. I had been sending nice replies to SOME of his emails that were matter of fact just providing information about what he would have to accomplish to see the kids, etc. At the moment they are all apologetic and I miss you, etc. Of course there is always the reference to the "new person" in my life LOL (I'm letting him believe whatever he wants on that front) and the last one just finally asked if there was one, and the subtle demands to see the kids - usually in the form of how much it's hurting him not to see them.
I think part of me feels obliged to respond because of the kids and part doesn't. I have found that when I reply I get more and more mails. I haven't replied in the past few days but I fully expect them to get meaner and meaner the longer I don't which is probably what I'm trying to avoid by replying in the first place. Also, I don't want it to get to a point where he starts calling or trying to find me. Not that I'm scared of him, I just don't want to deal with him.
One other problem is that I need him to sign off on the title/loan for my car as his name is on it and I have to have a notarized signature to take him off. I hate needing anything from him as it is always used as a bargaining chip. What do you do with that? Remember that whole thing with signing for the house sale? What a NIGHTMARE!! It's tempting just to take another HUGE dent in my credit and let the car go and get one in my name only. The thought of him being able to come take my car any time is unnerving, plus the fact that I can't sell it, refinance it, trade it in or anything else as long as his name is on it.
I guess I'll just give it time and hope he gets straightened out, maybe I can get him to sign the form through the mail and not have to see him in person. I think there is mental illness beyond the drugs/alcohol that will probably never go away even with an eternity and I can't live with his attitudes/beliefs/behaviors anymore.
Ya know, I have been there w/my AH. When we are on the outs - after I tell him I cannot do this roller coaster thing any more, that is when the text messaging starts. And when I respond, they become more frequent and then finally he just calls me. Of course when I ignore them, he confronts me and asks if I got them. I never want things to get nasty so I try to respond, knowing that NOT responding just pisses him off. But in responding it gives him false hopes that things are going to be ok. Ya know?
I too had to play the whole "needing his signature" bit. I needed it on the divorce papers and on the title of my car. I have gotten all of that. So there is nothing I NEED from him any more. In fact, I am the one doing things for him....such as storing all his junk that he has no room for at his mom's. But right now, we are getting along. He is working hard, giving me money, bending over backwards to please me and most importantly, staying straight & clean. The key for him is staying busy.
Stay tough. Don't do anything you don't want to do. And make sure all of your needs & those of your kids are met before doing ANYTHING for your A. We are here for you.
Your post gave me a lot of strength. First off the A I was with forged my name and signature on a document to do with the truck I bought. He then went on to sell the truck when he had crashed it to smithereens. I did all I could before this incident to get the truck back. He evaded the issue very very well then used me to help himself. He has no conscience.
I think its important to have patience. I know its taken me a good year or so to get out from under the A. We don't just separate from them and write off all the stuff. Sometimes we have to go through really torturous negotiations. Right now I am saddled with debt, a lot of it from helping the A. Some of it is from my own paralysis. Before I left the A I spent a full year and half probably more just not knowing what to do. I made choices then to stay. I did not know a way out.
Sometimes the way out involves having contact with the A. Sometimes it doesn't. We all have indidivual paths.
My path out involved writing off my truck. I did my best to get it back. I couldn't. He trashed it. There are good and bad aspects to his having stolen it. The good is that I am no longer liable for it. I paid the insurance on it till he trashed it. I no longer have to pay for the registration which was a huge issue for me every January. Another good aspect is that I do not have a reason to speak to the A. I am no longer hooked in by the "promise" of the truck being there at some point. There is absolutely no reason for me to speak to him anymore. For me getting to the point of not needing or wanting to speak to him was huge. I barely speak to him these days. I have refused access to my storage unit where he has one or two boxes because I am busy. For all I know he could be in jail.
I've done the tango of contact/no contact, pushy voice mails, feel sorry for me voice mails and more. I simply don't have a reason to be involved with him he's an adult.
I know it is really difficult to deal with an A one is separated from (how is the divorce coming by the way? ) but sometimes we do have to deal with them on a short term basis. Impatience is a huge issue for me in paying down my debt (I am seriously in debt) in wanting to be other than what I am or living someplace else. I know having patience will get me out of this mess in time. I also know some people here told me it does get better. I remember when I was totally out of it with rage, impatience and fear. I am no longer there. In time you may not have to deal with him anymore but if you have an issue you need to deal with think of ways to lessen the burden.
I haven't replied in the past few days but I fully expect them to get meaner and meaner the longer I don't which is probably what I'm trying to avoid by replying in the first place. Also, I don't want it to get to a point where he starts calling or trying to find me. Not that I'm scared of him, I just don't want to deal with him.
You know what . . . since he probably does have some screws loose or missing, no matter what you do, he'll escalate. Whether you kindly and briefly reply or ignore him, due to his self centeredness and twisted thinking, he'll up the ante until he's sending nasty emails and voice mails no matter what YOU do.
One thing is true . . . ignoring his attempts to contact you will escalate his behavior. But then what? Is that it? You just have to sit there cringing until he finds where you live and you have a raging lunatic on your front porch?
NOPE. When I got my RO my exA was still in jail. He called multiple times, and I couldn't figure out who was calling me collect, but when I did, I called the sheriff's office and yes that was a violation of the RO and the calls ceased. When he got out of jail he made a beeline up here and harassed me daily for three days. This was after I'd refused to respond, so I'd say it really did escalate his behavior.
But he was so aggressive and nasty even the sheriffs picked up the CLUE PHONE and refused to help him come get his stuff. He's been threatened with jail time, fines and a domestic protection order IF he dares contact me again and by God I'll report him and he knows it.
In other words, give 'em enough rope and they'll hang themselves.
You don't have to do anything about his emails or calls. You don't have to respond to him to "calm him down", let him go bonkers and the law will take care of him, that's what the RO is for.
Even responding to his "nice" emails is violating the RO on your part, and when/if you DO need the law to protect you, they'll find out you've been in contact with him and their sympathy for you will be in jeopardy. Not ruined, but you need the cops on your side. The RO is your best friend :)
In my case, I just let him escalate until he got pounded by the sheriffs. I didn't "know" what I was doing at the time, I was just really afraid of him (after all, I'd just turned him into the cops for drugs!). In retrospect, what I did really worked for ME.
You know I care and love ya a lot, and I'm doing the broken record thing with you . . . but I had a few people playing the broken record with me too . . . it took me forever to get an RO, he wasn't "that" bad. But that was my denial of just how bad he WAS. It takes a while to get from relating to this person as someone you used to love and care for to seeing them as a potential source of violence and harassment. It took me months.
I just hate for you to have to endure some big drama . . . you aren't alone in dealing with this, and having some screws loose could mean he has no problem hurting you and the kids.
lol Kim - I'm glad you played the broken record, because to be honest my thought on this was - um - what does the RO say about email contact? What is it Kim keeps saying? An RO doesn't mean, no contact except if I'm okay with it; it means, no contact, and if I don't honor that, why should I expect the police to take me seriously?
