The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am new here and don't know what to expect. My AH had an affair which I found out when "she" called me to give me all the gory details. Needless to say, it was awful. After I told him I would forgive him, he said he was leaving then he was staying then he was leaving, etc. He finally decided to stay and things became much better. He quit drinking (he had been staying out until 3 am every night and was always drunk beyond words), spent quality time at home, and was back to his old self.
In August, we had a huge surprise and found out that I am pregnant again. I gave him the opportunity to leave with no fuss if he couldn't handle it but he assured me he wasn't going anywhere. He slowly started drinking again and for three weeks was back to the fall-down-drunkeness. He even spent a night in jail but he wasn't charged with anything. It all finally culminated last week when he came home late and drunk with every excuse imaginable. I pushed until he admitted he wasn't happy, didn't want to be with me anymore, blah blah blah. (He also knew I was being tested for possible early stages of cancer in the morning). The next day (sober) he started groveling that he wanted to work things out. In short, I told him I would no longer be in a marriage with a miserable drunk who was useless to us because if he was actually sober, he was hungover and in a foul mood. He knows he is addicted but doesn't think he needs to quit.
Now he has said that he will never drink more than 4 drinks when he is out and will make it a point to be home more. I agreed but only with the understanding that the first night he comes home drunk he quits completely and goes to counseling or I will file for divorce.
How do you know when to give up or keep on fighting to work it out? How do you keep from drowning in the wake of alcoholism? Where do you even start? Thanks for listening. Any advice would be very much appreciated.
(((Welcome to MIP))) I am happy you have found us, but sorry that you needed us. I encourage you to find a local Al Anon meeting (you can just call the AA phone number in your phone book, they have al anon listings too). One of the first things al anon teaches us is the 3 c's: You didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it. Also, we try not to give direct advice, only experience, strenght, and hope, so you can make informed decisions about your life.
I am sure others with more insights will be along soone, in the meantime I invite you to read through old posts and know that you are not alone. We have all been touched by the insanity of addiction.
One of the beauties of alanon is that each of us decides what's right FOR US - so there's no one right answer to "how do you know when". f2f (face to face) meetings are a great idea - you should also be able to access the list of various states' and countries' sites (including meeting lists) at al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.htm
f2f meetings have free newcomer packets with various pamphlets - I recommend the one called "3 views of alanon", particularly the "letter from the alcoholic". In alanon we learn to focus on OURSELVES & have healthier attitudes & behaviours - we feel better, no matter what happens with our A. Sometimes our own healthier ways are something the A decides they want for themselves - sometimes not. Either way, we're better off than being dragged down into the effects of the disease.
He won't be able to quit until he's ready to admit his own powerlessness - doesn't sound like he's there yet.
Do keep coming back - one of the first things I noticed was that my week was calmer when I had been to a meeting.
You are in a hard situation but finding a local alanon meeting may be the best move you ever made considering your current circumstances. Alanon is for you. By working the program you will learn much about yourself and how to deal with what is to come.
I must tell you that in my experience an alcoholic cannot just drink less. They must completely stop. It is like a heroin addict saying "I will only shoot up 4 times a day instead of 6". It is simply a way to keep on using while appeasing you. He may very well mean it when he says it, but rarely, in fact never, have I ever heard of anyone able to do it. They always end up right back where they were. They try to hide it until they no longer can and will swear they haven't been drinking more. Part of our brain and heart wants to believe them, but they are swearing on everything holy that we are nuts and it isn't true. Thus begins our insanity. The bargaining and promises can go on and on.
you said the plan is the first time he comes drunk he is supposed to quit and go to counceling or you file for divorce. Unfortunately, that is your statement and almost impossible for him to abide by. Unless he has an awakening or hits his bottom it won't work.
In Alanon you will learn to set boundaries for yourself (not him). Boundaries are for own protection. We can only control ourselves and our actions. We cannot control what they do, we are not that powerful. Boundaries and the consequences of crossing that line should be thought out carefully. If we don't stand firm in what we say and those boundaries are crossed, they will mean nothing and be crossed again and again. We teach people how to treat us and also what we will tolerate and allow in our lives.
I hope you find a Alanon meeting in your area soon. Upon your first visit you will get some very informative literature and help by listening to people that will share their experience and what has helped them cope and make the hard decisions.
Your question of knowing when to give up?......That is an individual decision. Only you know what you will allow in your life. Everyone is different. For some, the affair would have been the end. For others it is the first broken promise....or the 1,000th. Alanon can help you sort it all out while giving you some tools to work with..
Take care, Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
http://www.al-anon.org/meetings/meeting.html You can also call 1-888-4AL-ANON (1-888-425-2666) Monday thru Friday, 8 am - 6 pm ET. For meeting information in Canada and the US. Chat room is open 24/7 there here the link to www.mipchat.net or
http://www.12stepforums.net/chatroom2.html
Meeting schedule: meetings are in here and run approximately 90 minutes from: Monday-Friday, 9 am and 9 pm EST, Saturday: 10 am and 9 pm EST, Sunday: 10 am and 7 pm EST. Topics are selected by participants at meeting time. UK +5 hours, central -1 hour, mountain -2 hours, pacific -3 hours. Open chat all other times.
-- Edited by nycbt at 10:49, 2007-10-23
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Hey everyone watch me grow. I go thru good & bad times. each day i am getting stronger.
In my experience the first thing I did was educate my self about alcoholism/Addicts.
It is a disease NO ONE chooses to have, in order to get their life back they need to want to, and to do it themselves. We don't talk about it, or point things out etc. It is not our job to get involved in it except support them when they share with us. Treat it the same as you would if he had any other disease.He has to come to terms with it himself.
He has to get so sick of it, that he chooses to quit becuz to cont. is too hard to imagine. My AH lost everything,even his integrity. He has NOTHING. Yet he still uses, uses drugs and people to get them.
It is very sad when children are involved. It damages everyone around it. Alcoholism can make us sicker than the person who has it. It drags us down, confuses us,it becomes the center of attention and it loves it.
Alanon is the Addicts worst enemy.They are in a pit and don't want to be alone and drag us down too.
If we are strong in our learned alanon skills,sometimes we choose to stay.I would have stayed if mine was not also brain damaged and horribly abusive.
When I had kids I got an R order and did not see him for almost ten years.
If I were you,I would come here,read,read,read. Get the book,"Getting Them Sober." books: One Day at a Time,Courage to change. Search the internet. Don't expect a lot from yourself. Just take it at your own pace.
It is up to you to set boundaries and protect you and your baby. If he cheats, he can bring home some awful stuff. Be very careful. He does not cheat becuz he is A. He cheats becuz he is a cheater. Not all A's cheat or are abusive.
Keep coming back. We are here for you. Feel free to come and vent, ask questions, whatever.
I wish I had an easy answer for you, like the easy button on the staples commercial and everything magically gets better. I have to agree with the others that it would be great for you to find a local meeting. Everyone on this site is on a different path and has made different choices. Only you know the right choice for you but you DO have the answer inside yourself it's just a matter of learning to listen to and trust yourself again. Reading others posts will show you that you are definitely not alone and that almost every story is close to the same. I hope you will come back and read and find a local meeting, it really helps to get it all out of you to people who really understand.
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