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Some of you a while ago gave me some excellent insight reguarding my Aunt Sandra, my Dad's sister. She was inundating me with mail, career advice, and so forth, all from the South FL area. I expressed that, for the sheer fact that she sent it, I felt obliged to act on it, and I felt guilty about the whole situation. After all it was so thoughtful of her, I expressed, and she was going out of her way...what do I do? In true MIP AFG style the overwhelming responce was "Tell her thank you, and if you see something that lights your fire, go for it. Otherwise, pitch it. " So I am calling on the forces of MIP AFG again. In reguards to the same Aunt. This past weekend, when I was experiencing Mama Drama, was the weekend I had sceduled for the family session. As per my request, my father made himself availible. When my therapist persuaded me it might be best to wait a while to have this session, given how emotionally vulnerable I was--given the subject matter and Dad's over all instability, it just might create more hurt than healing. At least right now. So, I agreed to cancel, saying it was for strictly personal reasons, and that was that. My father, being the individual that he is, inundated my councelor with calls, attempting to persuade her to persuade me to rescedule. This weekend, it turns out, was also the weekend that my cousin, my Dad's niece, was getting married. Dad had tried every subtle manipulative tool in his chest to get me to go, short of outright saying "If you don't go, then I won't go, and then I'll be in deep with the family." When I canceled the family session, it became abundantly clear why it was Dad was on control mode--he couldn't guilt me for sceduling the family session the same day of the wedding! (To be fair: I was working the scedule around when Mom was in town. It just so happened that this was the weekend. *shrugs*) Now it's Monday, and my cousin is out on her honeymoon (Bon Voyage! And Mazel Tov, dahling!) And guess who's left a message on my machine? My temptation is to be uber blunt and say "Aunt Sandra, is there a specific reason for the past 6 or 8 months you've been back in my life? The last time I saw your face or heard from you was at my Bat Mitzvah, when I was 13 years old, and now it's a decade later, and you're doing...what? Acting like we're cool? What's the real deal? What's up? Did dad coerce you into this? Has Dad done something to get you involved with my life without my permission? What's going on?" Now, this certainly would solve the problem, God knows--but directness is kindof like soddering in some ways: there is always the possibility of starting a whole new fire when you're trying to prevent old ones. The bottom line goes something like this: my father's family had no compunctions about covering up grandma's alcholism, before and after grandpa died. Surprise! the cycle continued in my own life until I got into al anon and took the stance of "Not my business, not my problem, not my issue. Gotta take care of myself." Or, as one of my long term program friends says "I'm doing a very important thing about this problem. I'm staying the f**k outta it." I have no doubt that Aunt Sandra called and was like "Why weren't you at the wedding?" and Dad said "Ask Sarah." Quite frankly, it's really none of her biznazz what's going on with our family; and really, it's not fair that Dad thinks he can blame me for his alcholism or his other dysfunctions and darn if I'm gonna let him try and steam roll me now by getting an Aunt in Miami involved (Gotta admit though, it IS Florida...) Alright. Let'er rip. Feedback ears, OPEN!
"Hi Auntie S, thanks for thinking of me. No, I wasn't able to make it, did you have a good time? Tell me all about it. What was the bride's dress like? Dad wasn't there either? Gosh, I don't know, you'd have to ask him."
Treat her like you would if she had decided she wished she'd kept in better contact with you in the intervening 10 years, or if she'd suddenly realized you ARE 10 years older now, and she can contact you directly and talk to YOU, whom she always found kind of interesting.
There's at least an outside chance it's even true .
Awesome answer! I'm with TTM. Just pretend theres no other motive, and you are a bit of a private person. That's what normal people do when someone gets into their business, I think.
You are doing so good, Sara. We are all inspired by your progress.
In recovery,
__________________
~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
This scenario reminds me of my exhusbands family (yes there was life before the ex) who would not call for months and then act like nothing happened. In dysfunctional there is no time lag. There is no acknowledgement that time has gone by. I find dealing with my s/o's family just as dificult as my own. My exhusband was from a middle class background but his family were incredilby dysfunctional on many levels.
I doubt it would be acknowledged if you challenged her. I think the issue for me in delaing with any fmaily any person is name the trigger, back track to what it is that brings it on, deal with it or avoid the person. Sometimes I have to avoid the person till I deal with it.
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