The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I haven't posted on the board in quite a while, but I have been reading many of the posts. I guess I've just kept to myself mostly, which I know is a bad thing to do when feeling blah...altho, I'm not depressed, just blah lately.
I told my AsoberH two weeks ago tomorrow that I want a divorce. I don't think he was shocked, really, but I don't think he was expecting me to say the D word either. I told him that he married me under false pretenses, knowing that he was lying to me and living a totally different life behind my back. He agreed with that. I told him that if he wants to fight about it, we can both hire lawyers and duke it out, but I told him that I know he wouldn't want me to tell the judge that he has been driving without a license, which is a big part of the problem. He agreed with that too.
I told him that I know about him lying about money, and he said for me to tell him what I'm talking about and he could explain it. I said that I've been listening to his excuses, justifications, rationalizations, etc., for 8 1/2 years now, and that I'm done listening to them. He has an excuse for anything that he does. I said I'm tired of beating my head against a brick wall wondering if what he says is true or not true.
I really said a lot of stuff...so much, that the evening was somewhat of a blur. It kind of was like a whirlwind. I do remember saying that I thought we should both discuss it and come to an agreement about the divorce, and he agreed. I said I'm going to ask for alimony, because he totally screwed up our marriage, and that I will need it til I get on my feet financially. I'm the one (can you say alanoner?) who has hung on trying to make it work, while he has just coasted by. Funny thing, even his family knows how he is, because awhile back his dad told me during a conversation about my H's 20 yr-old daughter, that he "sticks his head in the dirt and just coasts on by, not wanting to take responsibility for things." His words EXACTLY...
I brought up how he doesn't talk to me when he's home, and of course he said "honey, yes I do, I'm talking now..." Today I counted the sentences he has said to me, and this morning he answered a question I had asked him, then blessed me twice for sneezing, and then asked if I was gonna go on a walk today. That's it. Tonight he asked if I had a good day, and whether I got to walk today. We ate dinner silently, nothing being said. I had talked to him earlier, but was tired of hearing my own voice and no one responding to it. This is the norm. A friend of mine asked me if he was "setting me up" to be the one who ends it. I haven't a clue, but it's for darn sure working.
I'm seeing an attorney first thing Monday morning, and he happens to be a city judge in the town where I live. He does know my H's family and my H, but so does every other attorney in town (several have represented him in dui cases, lol, so that rules them out). I've talked to a few of them over the phone about the situation, but this time I'm I think I'm going to actually file the papers. I'm thinking it will go uncontested, but he may do the total opposite of what I think.
I will ask for temporary spousal support, alimony for a period of time, and the house. He may fight that one, although during our discussion two weeks ago he blurted out that he's not paying on the house if he's not living here. I didn't even bring that up to him, he just assumed that I'd stay here. So I'm thinking that he will probably let me have the house. He has told me before that he can live anywhere, he doesn't need material things (this is so true).
Honestly, I don't want to drag him thru the dirt, but I want him to be fair about it too. HP knows that I've been more than fair for 8 1/2 years!
I just want some peace of mind FINALLY. There's a gal in my alanon home group who is amazing, she's such an inspiration because she has made it thru the hardest of times, with 3 small kids. She's been helping me to see that my HP's will will be shown to me if I just have faith and work the program. I've been praying, but sometimes I know that I'm not really in tune with the faith thing. I really need help on that one!
(((lmt)))) you gave it a huge try from what you have said here today and in the past. Wish you the best of health and happiness now and in the future. mspw
I wish you well in your decision making. Al-Anon doesn't make suggestions on divorce, estrangements or the like to another family group member. I will not either. I did read your post slowly using all of my time and experiences as a filter on what I was reading and there at the end I read what surely helped me when I was a newcomer to the family group looking to get the peace of mind and serenity others were talking about. I just want some peace of mind FINALLY.
The gal in your group who is amazing sounds to me like the sponsor I was grateful to for saying yes to helping me grow up in recovery.
My sponsor and group also helped me on the first three steps...the HP steps and on the subject of "Faith" the opposite of "Fear". I was taught that those three steps were the very basics and I needed to get them or else I was admitting that on my own the best I could hope for was luck. My HP now is in on all of my life and all of my decisions especially those decisions, feelings and thoughts about my relationships with others and my present wife. Most of the problems in my life were because of my failures and not those of my alcoholics or others. A sister in recovery identifies herself at meetings with "....my only problem is me and my only solution is God." I have come to agree with that myself.
It was suggested to me to work the program only for the first two years (work not just be in) before making a major decision and they were right. I learned how to make decisions for the right reasons and consequences and in the end I feel that I have accomplished that and continue to use the process daily.
This is a "spiritual" program and only a "spiritual" program...was once spoken by Fr. Martin as huge entity in the awareness of Alcoholism as a disease and of recovery. He was taking about the 12 step recovery programs of AA and Al-Anon. Recovery comes with an abandonment to a power greater than Jerry F. I worked on that first because like yourself I had a faith problem. My HP didn't have a faith problem. My HP was always there for me. I had the faith problem and needed to have it straightened out. I do that all day every day without sitting on the top of a mountain. "We are not saints" and this is a program of progression not perfection.
Faith, "I really need help on that one", is what you ended your post with. That is the best work I think any member of the Al-Anon Family Groups can strive in. One way of practice is this (I won't suggest something I have not ever attempted nor anything that was suggested for me that I didn't try and didn't get a response on) take the decision that you are struggling with and completely turn it over to your HP however you understand that HP. Turn it over completely and go on with something else important in your life; program and self growth, sponsorship, service etc. Go on with complete patience and "faith" that you will find the answer or direction to what you can do in the situation and then and only then follow thru on it.
I will tell you that it works because I came to learn and practice it. You won't know if it does until you try. That's two people who have offered this suggestion to you or are there more?
I am at the opposite end of the "D" word. My AHsober says he wants a divorce. I have asked my HP to give me the words to say to my AHsober. Should I keep trying or should I give up?It is not easy but I think that I am getting closer to what my HP wants for me. To date my AHsober has been my HP. You sound very rational.
It's a relief to know what we finally want. Kind of a huge weight being lifted off our shoulders. I too struggle with the HP thing. I look for it in the woods. Keeping you in my love and prayers as always.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
Hullo kathi, may u know the force within you.. and:
I wish you enough sun to keep your attitude bright. I wish you enough rain to appreciate the sun more. I wish you enough happiness to keep your spirit alive. I wish you enough pain so that the smallest joys in life appear much bigger. I wish you enough gain to satisfy your wanting. I wish you enough loss to appreciate all that you possess. I wish enough Hellos to get you through the final Good-bye. as posted re these server pages.
Faith, I have realised is a deeply personal thing. You either have faith or you don't have faith. True faith for me is when I truly LET GO [of the controls] and LET GOD [take hold of the controls.]
However HE does NOT TAKE CONTROL until YOU have REALLY LET GO, and that is the scary bit. It is about TRUST. TRUSTING GOD to show you the way forward, not relying on yourself or others - in other words not doing anything in your own strength or in someone else's strength but quite simply in GOD's strength.
It takes time and discernment and courage. I am sure YOU have ALL THREE of these attributes.
If you can find the courage to LET GO, and LET GOD [sorry I find it really hard to talk about the Higher Power thing, the Higher Power for me will always and only ever be GOD - as I understand HIM/HER] then, having identified what you want most in life - which in your case you have identified as, " I just want some peace of mind FINALLY." - then in LETTING GO and LETTING GOD, be assured God will give you that peace of mind to know what the right decisions are to be made in your life.
By way of an illustration - I have not long been in this family, however I believe that GOD led me here; and, whilst I had the faith to believe that HE would NOT lead me to anywhere but safety, it has been proven once again, here in this family, in this room and amongst all of you too that HIS leading was right for me.
So, have the courage to put your faith in GOD and by trusting in HIM I am sure you will not go far wrong. It is simply an act of will - that is all that faith is - by an act of will you chose to trust in HIM to led you to the right decision. And remember, he does send others to help and speaks to us through others too. If you feel comfortable with what is being said by a person, then turn it over to GOD and if you still feel comfortable with it, then it is usually safe to assume that GOD is speaking to you. That is something that comes with time and practice and courage.
I, in the meantime, will pray that you will LET GO LET GOD to show you the way forward.
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"The highest form of wisdom is kindness." The Talmund
I want to thank you all for your words of encouragement. I had the discussion with my H today and told him we need to come to an agreement because I have an appointment with an attorney this week. He said he was hoping to wait until the first of the year when he gets (actually, he becomes eligible) his license back (if he moves out now he has no transportation), and I said that I was not waiting til then, I want to do it now. He assumed he was moving out, based on that comment, so then I said I want the house. I told him that I wanted to sit down this evening and talk about who gets what, etc. He said ok to that. He did ask what figure I had in mind for alimony, and I said let's discuss it all tonite. So that went well ~ at least he didn't say he WASN'T going to pay any.
I just got home and he's at an AA meeting, so when he gets home I guess we'll have the discussion and figure some things out. I'm relieved that we will (hopefully) work some things out before I go to the attorney tomorrow.
Thanks again for being here. I appreciate all of you and this site.
Yesterday's (? or maybe the day before... Oct 21 or 20) c2c reading is about turning over the lack of faith itself, and asking for faith. It says it better though
There's a gal in my alanon home group who is amazing, she's such an inspiration because she has made it thru the hardest of times, with 3 small kids. She's been helping me to see that my HP's will will be shown to me if I just have faith and work the program. I've been praying, but sometimes I know that I'm not really in tune with the faith thing. I really need help on that one!
I appreciate all of you and this site.