The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Sunday: Convo with mom. Synopsis: Mom, I'm not gonna tolerate our relationship being based in blaming, manipulation, lying, or spinning. There's enough hurt, anger, blame, and malfecence on both sides here for each of us to take responsibility, stand up, and have an adult, direct relationship, where each of us communicates directly our feelings, needs and boundries.
Weds:Convo with mom, Part 2. Synopsis: Mom, I need you in my life, and I want you in my life, and it's okay to trust me with my major life decisions. The more you do, the more I'm likely to come to you with questions and listen carefully for your feedback about my major life decisions. Mom agrees.
Thurs: Convo with mom, Part 3. Synopsis: Mom, you gave some great feedback last night. I'm gonna go with my original ideas and decisions. Mom has a meltdown.
Friday: Mom calls. She wants to meet for lunch today. She wants her husband to mediate while she attempts to persuade me that I want to go with her ideas, and that, really, I don't like my ideas as much as her ideas. I stop Mom short, saying that, from the beginning, I've wanted her husband to stay out of our arguments, fights and any mediation to be done by a professional. In addition, Mom, it sounds like we're both pretty convinced we're right, and there's not much room for compromise when both sides are convinced they're right. (For the record: She wants me to graduate in March; I want to graduate in June. It's a matter of me getting a minor or not at graduation.) Mom, pouting, agrees we'll meet at lunch.
Today: We meet at lunch, with her husband in tow. We try to keep the topics safe and clear. Quickly, however, it comes up that I tried to preform an intervention on Dad. I, politely and directly as I can, express to Mom that this is why I wanted any sort of discussion about me, her, or our shared history to be without her husband. Directly I express to mom that it was a last ditch effort to try and get Dad help for his drugging, and whatever he decided was on him. Mom tries to defend dad, saying that he's in terrible pain and terrible misery. I stop her short, directly asking "Why are you defending him?" This segues in to me telling her directly about the incest, and asking if she was a witness to, or had knowledge of the behaviors I described. Yes, she admitted, she did see some of the things he did, but I'm taking them out of context. It wasn't like that, she insisted. I go on to describe the physical violence; does she remember the physical violence, I ask? Some of it she does, she admits, but again, she insists, it wasn't that bad. This leads to the verbal abuse and name calling that I lived with; does she remember that, I ask? Yes, she says, but he was calling me those names too. Do you remember some of the names you called me, I ask? I never did!, she says, incredulously. Do you remember calling me the following, and I give examples. I never did that!, she says, incredulous. You did nothing to stop or prevent these things, I say; I did so, she responds. I left your father 7 years ago, when you were 17; You stayed with him. If it was that bad, why did you stay with him? Mom, I respond gently, did it ever occur to you that I was horrified and frightened of my father? He told me if I ever told you that he would kill me; she shakes her head, in a "whatever" motion. Well, I say, thank you for the lunch, thank you for being a sounding board. I'll look forward to seeing you later. Hugs and kisses all around. I excuse myself and get on the phone ASAP. I get ahold of a program friend; we agree to meet for lunch, which is good, considering I haven't eaten. I share what happened. She reassures me. She commends me for my growth--I'm calm, but upset. It's obvious that my mother will not take responsibility for what happened, but that I am, by working a program. She encourages to get with my sponsor and councelor. We finish lunch I get with my sponsor and, just as I am going to tell her the days events, my councelor calls. I tell them both simultaneously, emphasizing that I am scared, exhausted, and overwhelmed. My sponsor and councelor commend my courage and, like my program friend, encourage me to use what I know now to further my growth--validate my own truth. 15 minutes later, my mom calls. She begs me to change my story. Perhaps it was that I was a child, children misunderstand things, she says. Perhaps we need to have a session with your councelor, she begs. Perhaps it's that you didn't understand what your father was doing. No, mom, I say. Not this time. I am not changing my story this time. Not for you or anyone else. This time, my story is my story and I am not changing it for anyone. It is the truth, the whole truth and nothing but. She asks, Don't you think I would have done something? If you had told me, don't you think I would have intervened? Mom, I say, there were plenty of opportunities for you to intervene, and I tick off more specifically violent episodes where she stood by and let me be the victim. She then makes one last ditch effort--perhaps it's that I'm lying to myself, she says. I'm no longer going to stand by and let you try and persuade me that I'm in any way mentally ill or incapable of living with this, I say. This is what happened. There is no more to discuss about it. Is there anything else you would like to say? We hang up.
Thank you for helping me get here. It has been so hard. So hard. But now I know the truth. I know how my parents feel about this perticular part of our families' lives. Thank you for helping me get here.
You did so very, very well!!!! Amazing!! I am so proud of you!!!
Whether or not your mom ever admits to your reality is truly not the most important thing. What is important is that you are working on dealing with things and not allowing others to negate your reality. No one else truly lived through what you did, not even your mom or your dad.
Other people are there with us throughout or life. We can all live through the exact same experience and come out with completely different truths of what it was for us. Trying to convince someone else that my truth is correct and their truth is wrong, is futile.
I am so excited for you!!!! And it is so wonderful to see the growth in you!
Thanks for posting! You give me more courage to remain true to myself!
I spoke my truth to my mother and my sibs in 1990 after going to treatment. The childhood abuse has caused me many problems that I think that I have overcome with time. In all those years my mother and my siblings have not said one thing to me. No validation of what happened. I know that I told my mom at the time. She blames my dad for not doing anything. My mother had a chance this summer to support me and she ended up blaming me for family problems. This is difficult but when you and your HP know your truth that is all that you need in the end. You are very courageous.
Tiger, you did fine and I know that my own family are completely in denial about alcoholism and whenever it arises they refuse to countenance the fact that alcoholism existed with all its abuse in our family. It was completely normalised, and the most miserable situation was trivialised into nothingness. Its not so, you know your truth and thats all that matters in this,
This is such major stuff. I did not start on this work until my 30's and spent a lot of time doing it. I confronted my family of origin a number of times. Confrontation was huge for me. I know it was the beginning of stopping. I know for me having such a hugely abusive family meant I had no boundaries most of my life.
You get my unequivocal support for your conduct, actions, boundaries, resolve and persistence. I am so proud of you.
I did not speak to my family for a decade. That helped some but it also was difficult to get beyond it. Confronting this kind of horror is such incredibly hard work. I know it took up an enormous amount of my time. I know for me that the internet has helped immeasurably. I went to ftf meetings for years as well as therapy that all helped but the internet is for me at least the best way to get support.
I hope you do not have a backlash about this. If your mother is anything like my mother and family of origin there will be a lot of anger about your "telling". I hope you are now in a position not to suffer from that financialy or emotionally. I know also about how it is to be around people who make excuses for others. I know my own boundary setting has helped me with that. I would always backpeddel before. The more I set boundareis, hold them, speak up for them the better it is for me.
I stop Mom short, saying that, from the beginning, I've wanted her husband to stay out of our arguments, fights and any mediation to be done by a professional. In addition, Mom, it sounds like we're both pretty convinced we're right, and there's not much room for compromise when both sides are convinced they're right. (For the record: She wants me to graduate in March; I want to graduate in June. It's a matter of me getting a minor or not at graduation.) Mom, pouting, agrees we'll meet at lunch.