The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hiya. I went to bed ontime because I have to get up early. AH was up doing laundry and stuff. About an hour later I called to him to come to bed. He said he was on his way. I woke up an hour after that and it was seriously storming. I was kinda scared. Then, the rain just stopped. I could hear the AH in the house, but then I heard the car start and go. It was 12:30. The storm picked right back up again. I came downstairs and my debit card was gone from my wallet. he wasn't gone long, but I was till in the living room when he walked in the door with the signature paper bag over bottle. He saw me and goes "I had to get gas for the morning" like he had it perfectly prepared his excuse for slipping out of the house in the middle of the night in the middle of a storm. I don't want to go on, it's an old story now. Basically just alot of lying from him. I told him that he would never know the feeling of waking up in the middle of the night to find me gone. I would never do that to him. It's a horrible feeling. I still don't have my debit card. He denies taking it. I could have had my pick of lying alcoholics to marry. I seem to be a magnet for them. But he was different. He was sober then. And it actually meant something. I'm always trying to stop myself from wishing bad things on him, like going to jail, getting in a car crash, or, I don't know...dying. Sometimes I just wish that when he dissappeared in the night he could do me and the kids a fav or and not come back. That's just how I honestly feel.
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I'm like a pinch of tea...put me in hot water and see how strong I can be.
I wish my ex dead or relapsed all the time. Ya know how they say guys think about sex like every 20 seconds....that's how often I think of him in jail. or suffering or dead. So, don't feel guilty. In my experience, wishing doesn't make it so, if it did he would be a loving, faithful husband and father. Not a drug addict, sex addict, abusive mentally ill loser who refuses to take care of his kids. I'm sorry you are hurting. Just remember this too shall pass and some new "stuff" will happen. Glad you're here and sharing.
I read a book on codependency a while back that said it was real common and normal for us to wish them dead. It has to do with just wanting the pain to stop. I felt that way a lot. I used to have daydreams of him dying in a wreck or having a heart attack or something. Maybe its part of the acceptance process that has to do with living without them. I don't know.
Anyway, I'm glad to hear from you. Hang in there. Keep taking care of you.
In recovery,
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~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
I've got some thoughts about this - I used to wish my husband was dead fairly often. I'd get into real daydreams about how easy life would be - he had pretty good life insurance. I always felt guilty, but soothed myself by saying it was natural, and I never talked about it to anybody.
Then he sobered up, I got into alanon, and started to look clearly at my own part of the trainwreck that was our marriage. One thing that occured to me - sometimes, when he was really drunk he would threaten to kill me. Horrible, right? "Oh my god get out of that marriage right away that's abuse" horrible. Yet, really, what difference is there in what he did and what I did? Both of us were looking at the other person's death as the only way out of a situation that, in reality, had many viable solutions. Both of us were full of rage and hate and despair. It's just that, like a man, he turned his rage outward, and, like a woman, I kept mine inside. Not a real difference at all. This was just another step on my realization that this was not in fact the story of a villain and a victim, but something else altogether.
And, now, he really IS dead. Pancreatic cancer (a cancer that seems to mostly hit alcoholics) took him earlier this summer. In many ways I'm living the life I daydreamed about - there is plenty of money, I have my home and my children, and no more alcoholic to have to deal with. And what do I feel? Mostly, grief. He was, in so many ways, such a hell of a guy, and, in so many ways, I loved him so much. I feel relief - even sober, he was not always easy to live with. Life really IS a lot easier, in many ways, with him gone. I feel a little guilt, because of the relief, because of those long ago daydreams. Not much, though - I've come to terms with my humanity, and my faults. One of the big things I feel is regret, for the wasted years when the two of us were locked in our prison together of hate and love and dependence and fear. At the time, it all seemed so black and white, as if there were no choices. Looking back, I can see that there were thousands of choices. There were so many ways that things could have been healthier . We did not have to live in such unhappiness.
The small stumbling steps that we DID take, at times, really did make such a difference. Every little healthy choice I made, he made, helped us move away from the despair. So, next time you are tired and laying in your bed, just go to sleep - it's as easy as that. Not much you can do for or about him, lots you can do for yourself.
