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Hi everyone -- been reading these posts for awhile and thought I would post my own. Although my partner has not had a drink in over 15 years or so, right now it doesn't really matter... she's struggling with another illness (unrelated to alcohol) and the behaviors are just as difficult and painful as if she were drinking. At least, that's how it feels right now. Being unreasonable, turning most things into being my fault somehow... it seems I can rarely do anything right, and I am struggling with my own co-dependence, always trying to somehow fix things, even though I know I can't. I'm going to Al-Anon meetings (and CoDA meetings as well) and am currently working my first step, which helps. But it is difficult to get ranting emails (about the doctor, about me, about anything), which gets my own stress and craziness up, and still trying to function at work. I come home to moodiness, which I can attribute to not feeling well, but it's still really, really difficult. Some behaviors seem manipulative. I'm worried sick, and also feeling angry and tired. It's been almost 4 years of medical worry, without a diagnosis, which worries both of us, but her behavior makes things really difficult for me emotionally. I try not to blame her but today it feels really hard.
Right now she is not working, she is too sick. So I am mostly supporting us, working full time plus a part-time occasional job, plus trying to keep her healthy (not to mention myself). I'm tired, I'm heartbroken, I'm lonely, I'm frustrated, I am trying not to 'do too much' but I don't know what NOT to do. I don't know what to take seriously and what not to. I don't know when to engage and when to leave it alone. It doesn't matter, because no matter what I do, I can only say a few sentences before I get in trouble somehow.
I'm just tired, and worried, and a little fed up (but feeling guilty because she really is sick, and can't help feeling unwell...) but I am constantly surprised at the meanness that comes out of her mouth. This is a person who is, when she is well, sweet, funny -- absolutely wonderful. I adore her. But I don't know what's going on, the behaviors are so difficult to manage. She relapsed briefly on pot a few months ago, and has sort of been trying to follow along with AA and MA, but hasn't felt well enough to really engage in either program. She has had a long history with AA and it has worked well in the past.
Anyway. sorry for the long post. I'm feeling so alone and desperate, and (ashamedly) used and like a doormat/punching bag/dumping ground.
I'm looking forward to being a part of this community.
Hello workinit , please continue with your meetings and find all u can on detachment drinking or not this stuff works . Until my husb had a second go round with cancer did I finally understand what this prog has been trying to tell me for 15 yrs . it dosent matter what disease , it affects me this way , I begin to hover *always wanting to help * I watch , if they happy , so am I . and visa versa . All of my worst defects surface again and I am once more a dormat and angry. did they ask me to do the hovering , the watching ? no I just did it . I had to be reminded that everything that could be done was being done by the professionals after that it's a God deal and I had to continue to look after me , which meant meetings , not accepting crappy behavior or reacting to bad moods . I did not cause his cancer either I can be supportive and still continue to look after me . Support dosent have to mean giving all of me away again . goodluck Louise
It sounds like a rough time. One of the many things we learn in Alanon is to set some personal boundaries. When people are talking in a hurtful or disrespectful manner you have every right to tell them it is unacceptable and walk away from it. It isn't the easiest thing to do when you are used to being sucked in to the behavior, but with the knowledge that walking away ends it, it gets easier. There are times that we actually have to leave the house in order to get away from it, but this will show that you are serious and will not be talked to in that manner. Eventually they catch on. Should you decide to make that boundary for yourself you must be as consistant as possible. As with children, you let your rules slip once and they are no longer rules.
I would also suggest that you only try to fix what is yours to fix, not hers. You will never be powerful enough to fix her problems. That is up to her and her HP alone, as is your codependence, your ability to see what is yours and what isn't.
I can understand being cranky when ill, but hurtful and saying mean things aren't necessary in my opinion. The alcoholic behavior is to ALWAYS blame someone else. If they don't they may have to look at themselves and that's not real pleasant. None of us like to look at our own character defects but it is only by accepting that we have them that we can make changes. You stated that you feel guilty. Stand back and look at the big picture. It sounds like you are jumping through hoops, working hard, not one but two jobs plus and your Thank You is getting really bad behavior for your effots...and you feel guilty why?
Boundaries are put in place to protect ourselves, not to control them. There shouldn't be any guilt in self protection. By not having them it says "go ahead, treat me any way you want". I'm real glad to hear you are attending meetings. If you work the program it will definately get better.
Take care of you, Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Welcome Workingit! You're off to a good running start with the meetings and stepwork.
I'll second what Christy said, illness and feeling poorly is no excuse for bad, mean behavior. When you feel punky, is it OK for you to be snappy and blaming?? You probably wouldn't dare! :)
You aren't helping HER by accepting this behavior. If she has a conscience, she feels guilty for how she treats you, and this just builds up into a sea of self hatred on her part. Setting boundaries -- to protect yourself, and rightfully so -- will save you from being the punching bag and her from more guilt and shame.
You are working your butt off already. You can't fix her life, as much as you love her. And your love won't save her if she doesn't want to be saved.
I felt guilty for a long time too. I got twisted right off my axis by my alcoholic. He blamed me for his drug use, and blamed every one else for every bad thing that happened to him. It didn't change when he was sober, sometimes there is a personality disorder beneath the addiction issues. I couldn't take his constant verbal abuse anymore so I had to let him go.
I doubt your GF would enjoy dealing with her illnesses alone or relying on hired help in her home . . . one should not bite the hand that feeds you. You WILL get fed up. Perhaps she needs to know that she's at your mercy, not the other way around?
I hope you find this a good place to get support and keep comin' back :)
The A I was invovled with got two serious diagnoses two years ago. He ran with that for a long time. I supported him so much. I supported him totally for months. This year I about broke my back supporting him and tending to his every need. The issue for me is that it wasn't reciprocal.When I was ill, he was not that nuturing. He always resented me being ill. He would use his illness as a flagship for everything. Every bit of dysfucntionality got much worse with his physical illness.
Detachment was a hard one for me to learn. I have detached now with compassion, not with anger, not with exhaustion, not with frustration. I have great compassion for his struggle. I have my own struggles with physical illness and issues. We all do.
I had a very hard time sorting out what was the A's illness, what was his addiciton and what was what. In the end it didn't matter. What mattered was how his actions affected me. I could only do so much, take so much and manage so much. I got far far far beyond my limits because basically I had none.
This group in particular has been a lifeline for me in the insanity. I have come here and poured my heart out regularly. I have sorted out what my boundaries are and what kind of behaviors I can accept and what I can and can't do. That has been invaluable to me.
Thank you so much, everyone. I do need to draw boundaries. I usually just get silent, but that's not very effective. I should say something like, "Please don't be mean/snapping/hostile towards me." I don't know really how to say it but I think next time it happens I will just say, Stop (somehow). She definitely knows she is not being nice because it comes up later as guilt. I just don't know if my silence is acceptance or if it's me not responding, just letting it go... maybe I don't know yet, myself, which is why it's confusing. It's confusing to me!!
The negativity and blaming of doctors and everyone else is really overwhelming. It's good to hear/be reminded that I don't have any power to make all these other people do what she thinks needs to be done. I can just do what I can/do what I want to do to help, and the rest is being taken care of by others, or she should be taking care of it. There is a lot of blaming, jumping the gun (trying to get referrals before test results are back, etc.)... I feel so powerless (which I am) but am not sure what to do instead.
I'm trying to learn compassionate detachment, as opposed to just ignoring. I will do some reading tonight (I have a ton of AlAnon literature) and maybe continue some stepwork and I'm sure that will help. What a relief to let her handle her own problems. When I think about it that way, it IS a relief. It's hard when it affects me, but how much does it really need to affect me? I guess that's what I'm trying to figure out.
Thanks so much, any other stories/thoughts would be so helpful.
I am so humbled by the wonderful responses you have gotten from our family members. This is such a fabulous place!
There may be some repetition, but I would like to share a little of my experience in the hope it too may help you.
I too struggled greatly with knowing what is "mine" and what was "hers".
My ex-wife worked very hard. Long, long hours everyday and would come home tired and beat at the end of the day. I would be at home taking care of my step-sons, trying to cook, clean house..all those things that need doing. On the outside I was being this "perfect" supportive husband and father. What I came to learn gradually from her was that she actually resented me for doing so many of the things she thought she should be doing. She was resentful and jealous of my freedom. She actually told me on occasions NOT to clean the house or do the laundry, to leave it for her. When I would try to switch to that kind of thinking and not do the cleaning for several days however, then she would get angry or resentful for having a dirty house and being too tired to clean it!
It was so frustrating to me, never knowing what I could do to make HER happy.
It NEVER occurred to me back then, to figure out what I could do to make ME happy. If I had done that, well..then at least ONE of us would have been happy.
And what this program is teaching me is happiness for myself is an inside job. I am responsible for it, I am the only one that can do it. What I am also learning is that when I am happy the world is a much happier place around me too.
I think the reality of my wife's moods did have something to do with me. Even though I know I didn't cause her to feel anything, anymore than I could cause her to drink, I certainly may have contributed to things.
I know when I was being "Perfectman! - Fastest toilet scrubber East of the Rio Grande!" like I said earlier, I was outwardly trying to please everyone. But inside resentments and anger were building up. I felt used. Unappreciated. "After all I do for you!" and you still aren't happy? Still are short and moody around me!!! ME!!!!!!! The guy that does everything for YOU!!!!! How dare you!!!
I felt owed. And I understand today nobody owe's me anything. If I and when I do for someone else, I do out of love, with no expectation of getting anything back. It's amazing how much better that works!
Let them try to be grumpy and snippy or short with me now! It is hard to be like that with someone who is smiling and happy.
Like our friends said above to you. We can have compassion for someone we love with an illness. We can and should learn all we can about the effects of their disease on them so we can support them. However, we do not have to accept anything that is unacceptable or hurtful to ourselves. As the saying goes, being a martyr is dom!
I think one other thing I would add after living with an A who was ill for years. I did not think about what I could do to renew myself. These days I do. I think boundary 24/7, boundary around being too tired, boundary around who I spend time with, boundary around chores. I had no time or energy to renew myself around the a's moods because I was always in reaction to them. These days I am 6 months out from a separation from the A. I know when I spend any time with him at all I need a lot of space afterwards. Sometimes I am able to arrange that sometimes I am not. I know I need it now. I spend a lot less time with him as a result. That doesn't mean I don't care. I do. I just value myself and my own issues more than I do his. I see huge red flages these days whenever anyone at all asks me to put them first.
