The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I just asked told the Love of my life to get out - I know he needs help but I can not take his drinking anymore. He keeps justifing his drinking by telling me he never hurt me and he is a good provider. He is right on one count - He is an excelent provider and he has never hit me when he drinks but I can not make him see that he rips my Heart out everytime he drinks - and I will admit that ther have been times where he has said some hateful things to me
logic tells me to just walk away - but I do love this man "Heart & Soul" and now I sit here and ask God what did I ever do to anyone that makes him (God) keep kicking my Butt
I too loved my ex-alcoholic/addict with my whole heart and soul. He was part of me. But I had to let him go anyway.
I tried very, very hard to live with it. I'm pretty determined, too, but like you, it was ripping my heart out.
You've come to the right place because there are many, many people here with the same story. Details may differ, but the love and loss are the same. Our hearts are broken.
Thankfully I found this board and began attending Alanon meetings as often as I could while he was still here. I learned about detatchment, how to shield myself from his "hateful words", and most importantly that there is HOPE for me, no matter what new lows my ex discovered for himself.
The hope came from meeting the people in Alanon. They'd been where I was and moved through it -- to wherever they were going. They seemed . . . happy, for some strange reason :D but I was so desperate I didn't care I just wanted it for myself.
It's been four months since I made him move out. It has been an interesting four months, to put it lightly . . . but in the meantime I have much to work on in myself, and Alanon is a program about better living, no matter what the alcoholic is doing.
Find meetings in your area and go. This board is great for those in between times.
You've made a first courageous step by posting here, and I wish you well on your new journey :)
I did look up meeting where I live but they do not meet till Suday and I knew that I could not wait that long to "talk " to someone - I can not talk to any of my friends as no one knows what I have been living with for the past 4 years - everyone see him as a wonderful man - and he is when he is not drinking- I will admit that I hid it from all my friends and even my family and his
HI My name is Allie and I also have an A that hurts my heart. It is not my husdband its my brother.he has been in jail then rehab. What I have found that works some what for me is that you can love somedody and wonder if you did the right thing.but go on with your live dont underestamate you choice that you have done to better your live. Ihave a very hard time with my loved one and some of the things i have done. Was I wrong for not being there anough. SOrry to just write in and unload but like you I needed to talk .If you would like I would like to hear from you.
God kicking your butt ?? don't think so . God gave man or woman free will , we just keep doin the same things over and over again thinking this time it will be different. that is our insanity . If you truly love this man and don't want to end your relationship ,give Al-Anon a try for a few months and see how u feel then . learn all u can about this disease and why it affects u the way it does .learn to detach from his behiavior while u get your life back on track . I chose to stay in my marriage , I believe that this prog made that possible , that was 23 yrs ago now , 19 yrs sobriety . it just gets better. Your not the reason he drinks and your not powerful enough to make him stop . This is his problem leave it with him where it belongs . good luck Louise
Thank You you are right about it being his problem. But it is not just this problem I am dealing with right now - hence my reference to God kicking my butt and yes up untill a few months ago I was very active in my church and never missed a Sunday service
If you've gotta talk to somebody, come here. There is usually someone in the chat room, and there is always the board. It's not a warm breathing human, but boy is it better than nothing.
Thank You - I can not tell you how good it feels just to tell someone about it. I think I will be able to sleep now. Thank you ALL for being there for me tonight
I remember being right there a year ago. Actually I moved out rather than kicking him out. I didn't know what to do with myself. Everything worked out fine though and he's still a drunk and addict as far as I know. The only thing that's changed in the last year is me.
You didn't do anything. He has a disease and it's progressive. Addicts don't have that many choices. They drink/drug and they can either end up in jail or die. Or they can seek recovery and live. It sounds logical to us that they would choose life. But it's not that simple for them. Heck it's not that simple for us to choose our recovery. How long did it take me to seek Alanon out?
I know it's hard to set a boundary. Just because you told him to leave, doesn't mean you've stopped loving him. You did what you have to in order to take care of yourself. I've been there. You can't die or ruin your life for him. While I was beating myself up for kicking him out, some wise soul here told me this: "Remember what it was like when he was drinking. Would you rather go back to that?" That was very helpful. Take a moment to relax and enjoy the serenity and lack of chaos. It was the first restfull night sleep that I had in a long time. No matter what happens or what you decide we will always be here for you. Take good care of you. Try and get to some meetings and do what you need to.
Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
__________________
It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
Your post sounded real familiar to me. I had heard the same words "I don't hurt/hit you and I provide for you". It dawned on me one day how crazy that was. He didn't hit me? Gee, thanks!! That's big of him. I realize that some people do live with that abuse, but to be proud of not hitting and base a relationship on it seemed insane to me. When did it become an option?
I won't throw boiling water on a puppy and I'll provide food, otherwise I'll ignore it. Should I tell the humane shelter that so they know I am responsible person? I'm sure they'll hand one right over to me!!!
I know we aren't helpless like a puppy but that way of convincing/ manipulating someone to believe that a mate is willing to give someone only the most basic needs for survival (meaning the relationship) and then assume thier responsibity is done....argh!!! The funny thing is..his disease allows him to believe it!! Worse yet, it makes us doubt what we know is right and true. Alanon can help you see things more clearly and give the necessary tools to deal with the insanity.
Christy
__________________
If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
That was my A's favorite line "I'm not doing anything wrong, just hanging out with my friends" then it dawned on me, that although he was not physically abusive he was very neglectful. Neglecting his wife, his family and his responsiblities as a part of the family. (if a person is doing that, then they are doing something wrong) He always seemed and sometimes now seems to have time for his buddies and his drinking but little things around the house that need to be done ??? Never time for that.... I found for me personally, I find a way to do them or get them done without him, if they start bugging me too much..... Hang in there, be gentle with yourself. Hugs
Thanks to all who have responded - I know that It should have been easy to sleep but I could not. I know that I should not be crying but I can not stop. how do I make my heart listen to logic?
I can not belive that I am dumping on everyone like this - I am so sorry..... I am not used to feeling so broken & hopeless. I have always been able to find a bright spot in any bad situtation - a trait that drives my finds nuts
shoulda coulda woulda and if only are words that do nothing but beat yourself up . WE all did the best we could at the time . forget what u think you know about alcoholism and find meetings for yourself . Tears heal , we grieve the loss of the relationship the way it was , his drinking is not about you , your not the reason he is drinking , period., accepting where it's at is tough but necessary. some days reality really does suck - but there are no suprises when we see things as they really are and let go of the fantacy . It is possible to find happiness wether he is still drinking or not , our prog will show u how to do that . You are powerless over him and his disease no where does it say you are hopeless . there is always hope . Louise
The A I was with was a very very good provider too on many levels. He never had to provide everything for me but he paid more than me for the bills. I gave more though in terms of emoitonal support, love and understanding. I also gave far far far more in structuring and taking care of the house.
After 7 years he stopped being a good provider. This year he has barely made $4,000 if that. He has hardly worked. He has spent his time moving stuff around to places that are totally impractical, feeling sorry for himself, crashing cars, acting like it is everyone else's fault and generally being in crisis. He had crises before but now it is one long non stop crisis and I can no longer bear it. I bore it of course before I kept hoping things would get better they didn' t they got very very very much worse.
Ican tell you categorically its progressive. If they don't get sober it gets much much much worse.
I left the A 6 months ago. I went back and forth a lot. I helped him out again. I kept up on this board the whole time. These people here have seen me through a lot. If you come here you'll change its an almost guarantee. Eventually the program starts working in you.
Why is it that my life is now comming apart at the seams and his is not? Don't get me wrong I wish him well as I do still love him and I have prayed for years that he would stop drinking. It apears as if my prayers were anwsered as he is trying and has gone 2days without - a new record
I know that my issues are petty compared to what a lot of you are going through and I know that I can handle anything life throws at me but DAMN! must everything be thrown at once??
Here is the short list of things that have gone wrong.
I want to get drunk!!! Don't get me wrong I am not much of a drinker in fact I could go with drinking for the rest of my life and never miss it. If I have a few drinks a year that is a lot for me. I just want to numb myself and stop crying over him and how much he has hurt me. Part of it is when we do talk now on the phone I am not sure if we are still together as he does not tell me that he loves me - Maybe it is a good thing we were not married - But I have told him I just want to know where we stand as a couple if he wants out I think I will be able to handle it better if he tells me rather drag things out.
I have found out that I am not a plumber!!! I have made many trips to the hardware store in the last 2 days buying and returning Items that are suppose to help take off the trap in the bathroom sink They do not help with anything except to cause bodily harm.
My car was towed last night when I went out to hear a local band - Wipped out my bank account getting it back.
The Job I was hoping to get (I was Laid off) sent me a thanks but no thanks letter after 3 interviews
Like I said this is the short list - But when will I stop crying? I will be going to my 1st meeting tomorrow - one positive thing!!!
Your husband isn't doing these things to hurt you. He is suffering from a disease called - "alcoholism". The best move for you to make is find an Al-Anon meeting so you can learn more about it. He maybe a good provider for now, but when his drinking problem becomes much worse, he will beg, borrow or steal to get the money to support his habit. It is good that he doesn't hit you, but there are more ways to be abused then just physically. If you can't get to a meeting, please get the "One Day At A Time" book from your local Al-Anon/Alateen Service Office or even check with your Library. In the back there are pages on certain topics how to deal with this disease and how you can help yourself. Good Luck! I know just how you feel, I have been there many years ago.
That was very helpful. Take a moment to relax and enjoy the serenity and lack of chaos. It was the first restfull night sleep that I had in a long time. 
No matter what happens or what you decide we will always be here for you. Take good care of you. Try and get to some meetings and do what you need to. 
called - "alcoholism". The best move for you to make is find an Al-Anon meeting so you can learn more about it. He maybe a good provider for now, but when his drinking problem becomes much worse, he will beg, borrow or steal to get the money to support his habit. It is good that he doesn't hit you, but there are more ways to be abused then just physically. If you can't get to a meeting, please get the "One Day At A Time" book from your local Al-Anon/Alateen Service Office or even check with your Library. In the back there are pages on certain topics how to deal with this disease and how you can help yourself. Good Luck! I know just how you feel, I have been there many years ago.