The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My AH said to me kindly, rubbing my shoulders, "I am tired of this no sex thing..." I didn't even let him finish. I held both of his hands and said as kindly as I could, "I am too, what I need from you is to get sober and shower every day." I could tell that he was crushed. His idea was to plan a rendevous.
I told him that I would love to have an intimate relationship, but I can't do it when he is in the midst of his disease. I told him that I only have the real him for the first 20 minutes of the day, the rest of the time it is like living with a stranger. He also tends to stop taking care of his personal appearance and cleanliness when drinking (days at a time without changing clothes or showering).
After a few minutes he changed the subject.
We are more like roommates than spouses, which is not what I want, but I have put a wall in my heart against the stranger in my midst.
I guess I am looking for ESH in this department.
PS. This morning I also verbalized a boundary...I told him that he could not take my car if he will be drinking, has been drinking, or plans on drinking. I was so proud of myself. Then this afternoon when I was in the backyard I hear him drive away in my car. KEYS!
I think what you said to him was top notch, really. It was kind and honest.
I stopped relations with my exA, too as he used IV drugs and gawd only knows where he'd "been" if you know what I mean.
He blamed my "frigidity" on my antidepressant :D . Pretty much no matter how patiently I explained the situation, he made up his own version to suit his purposes.
It is hell, Babysteps, pure hell.
I got to see exactly WHO this man was when I stopped participating in the disease with him. That is pure hell too, but I needed the eye opener. I could not blame everything on his disease.
That kind of oppositional behavior is alarming, to me. He's mad at you and he's gonna "getcha" for telling him he smells and needs to get sober.
I could not take the constant, multiple times daily need to set boundaries with my ex. It was never ending.
I'm sorry you are going through this :( I don't have much in the way of strength and hope with this stuff. But I'm glad you shared.
one day sex comes around as a topic between the kids and myself. not to flinch -- i did go on record as saying if the had sex, be safe. if they never had sex, that is ok. whatever it is to respond to is natural as far as ms mead studies in her analysis of the island ppl in the Samoa islands observes.
Regards to how its discussed or approached then in your ways...
I had an alanon friend who had the same problem with her drunk husband taking her car. What she did was one day, while he was drunk, she took HIS set of her car keys and filed them down until they no longer worked in her car. Then she kept HER set in her bra...in other words always on her person so she did not have worry about him looking for them and finding them. She never told him where they were, or else he would have wrestled her to the ground and taken them.
He would look for them for HOURS and HOURS then threaten to get violent with her and she would threaten to call the police, a stand-off. But, he never took her care while drunk without her permission again!
((((Babysteps)))), I can so relate to the whole feeling like roommates. That is exactly where my hubby and I have been for the past few weeks and this ins't the first time we have been like this before. I think what you said was done very well. I have said something similar to my hubby, and it doesn't go very well no matter how kindly you say it. Just stay true to you and your program.
I know for me, this is such a lonely time. And this isn't what I wanted out of a marriage. But this is what i have, so I am working on what I can, me.
You aren't alone.
Yours in recovery, Mandy
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"We are not punished for our unforgiveness, we are punished by it" Jim Stovall
one day sex comes around as a topic between the kids and myself. not to flinch -- i did go on record as saying if the had sex, be safe. if they never had sex, that is ok. whatever it is to respond to is natural as far as ms mead studies in her analysis of the island ppl in the Samoa islands observes.
Regards to how its discussed or approached then in your ways...
