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I have never posted before and am brand new - please be patient :)
My AH and I have been married for 1yr & 5 mos. He has not held any job during this time. I have been the sole provider for our family and I do not make very much money. We barely get by month to month. I am completely stressed out, angry, resentful and above all scared to death. (It isn't just the 2 of us - I have a young daughter as well.) I have expressed these feelings and the reason for them to him on many occassions. A few months ago, I gave him an ultimatum to either get a job (and I mean ANY job) or get out. A couple days before the appointed deadline a potentail job opportunity arose and upon speaking to my father (who is a recovering alcoholic) a extended the deadline for 2 wks. The day of the job thing arrived and I asked him if he was going and he told me that he thought it was the next day. I confirmed that no, indeed it was today, but there was still time to get there. He gave excuses as to why he couldn't go. I left for work very angry and hurt. That evening I came home and told him that I didn't want him there anymore and that he was an alcoholic. I gave him until today to pack and move. I told him that if he could get his life together that I would be waiting for him. During the course of the rest of the week we did alot of talking and he has been sober for 3 days. He told me he is continuing to look for a job as he doesn't want to lose me. I really don't know if can do the "I'm going to get a job" thing again and frankly, I don't know if I want to. He has no family or friends in the area where we live and nowhere to live if I do stick to my guns and tell him to go.
It breaks my heart to think of him living in his truck w/ no money or resources. My brain tells me "tough! He got himself into this mess and he needs to be the one to get himself out". I've done all I could and now it is up to him.
I guesss what I am trying to find out is kicking him out heartless and cold? Am I a horrible person if I send him out on the streets with just his possessions? I am really confused...I just want my life back and I am hoping to get the man I married back in the process. Opinions anyone? Thank you for reading my book and listening!
We are discouraged from giving advise here, because we are not professionals... we are dealing with the effects of the disease as you are. I can tell you I am glad you are here... and many of us have had those feelings.
I don't know you, but from your post, I would venture to guess that no.... you are most certainly not a horrible person. Horrible people don't tend to seek help for the emotional side effects of taking care of themselves and protecting their family.
You made a decission... no more, no less. He had options (a decission to make himself). He made his decission.
There is much more that this program can offer for you, but your instinct to say he made his own bed... is not heartless, its called responsability in my book.
I am sorry that you are going through this... it is the irrational nature of our loved ones who drink that makes all this so sad. But you are in the right place. If you can find a face to face meeting locally, you would have phone numbers you could call and sound out ideas.
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
You are not a horrible person for feeling the way you do trace. You have every right to your feelings. Sounds to me like you have been trying your best to communicate.
Have you been to a face to face al-anon meeting? Perhaps your father knows of one you could attend?
How can anyone be a horrible person when they want to do good for themselves and their child? You said you gave him a few months to get "any" job. As said previously,he is an adult, it's his choice not to have one. You know that you would wash dishes or sling burgers if that's what it took to feed your child.
I'm not saying you should kick him to the curb, just offering a little perspective. In Alanon we learn to set our boundaries with consequences to follow if they are crossed. The problem is when addicts are able to cross boundaries, they continue to do so if we do not stand firm. We also learn to be sure we mean what we say before we say it.
There are many Alanon tools for you to stick in your belt aong with the the 12 steps, which is a journey of self discovery.
keep coming back.. Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Welcome, you are not alone and I hope you come back.
Sometimes we can love someone to death--literally--by saving them, cleaning up their mess, making sure that they are protected from themselves. That is the "enabling" that we Al-Anons do so well.
In contrast, giving someone the opportunity (and the dignity) to experience the natural consequences of their actions is a true act of love.
When I first came to Al-Anon, I learned that I didn't cause his disease, I couldn't control it and I sure couldn't cure it. All I could do was take care of ME (something that I hadn't done for years). I had to stop sacrificing myself (emotionally, physically and spiritually) for someone who was essentially INSANE. Although I thought I was doing the right thing by trying to protect my A from himself, I think I made it easier for him to wallow in his disease.
Another thing that I learned during the last 2 years is that when my was actively in his disease, it didn't matter if I talked to him before he had his first drink of the day because he was not really sober. That's why some people refer to a newly sober A as being "stark raving sober." It takes a long time for the effects of the alcohol to wear off and for their thinking to become rational.
During that early sobriety, it was so hard for me to draw boundaries for acceptable behavior by my A. Part of me wanted to believe that as soon as he stopped drinking that he would be ok--loving, open, communicative, all the things I wanted him to be. It didn't happend that way. It took alot of time and hard work by my A for him to start to change and I had no control over that either. All I could do was keep working on me by coming to Al-Anon meetings, getting a sponsor, working the 12 steps myself and figuring out what my part in all of the insanity was.
There is hope, things can be better whethe the A is drinking or not if you take the focus off the A and take care of you!!
Keep coming back!!
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Do not be anxious about tomorrow; tomorrow will look after itself. The Bible, from Courage to Change, p.138
Well I don't go looking for the bad on the first go around and rather think and accept people in this disease as not...just a bit sick and insane. I do hear some guilt and shame in your post and that is normal for the spouses of the alcoholic when they are attempting to make changes while the alcoholic continues on on the same destructive path. Soooo you're more normal it looks like than horrible.
I was there also and changing my choices and behaviors confused me and made me feel rotten while my alcoholic was attempting to keep me on track. The disease needed me to keep doing the same things while I hoped and wished for something more happier and healthier. Learning to detatch from enabling her made me feel like I was putting an infant in a major intersection in our town during rush hour traffic and walking away. I shed some major tears over that one.
I had to trust that the suggestions I was getting from the program would work for me as they worked for others and I took action...and they worked for me to. First miracle of many.
Feelings can't kill you. You can be wrong about your how you think about a thing. These were two very powerful lessons I learned in the Family Groups. They are both right for me. So maybe you are wrong about thinking yourself a horrible person? And maybe the initial feelings of guilt and shame are just poor self judgment and will pass? Could be?
If you love him give him the dignity of his choices and it's okay to make yours. Are you kicking him out or offering him more of an opportunity to get some employment without you getting in the middle? Sometimes the picture isn't exactly how we describe it.
Keep coming back home there are alot of us who can wear your shoes.
Welcome to the MIP family. Here you will find great experience, hope, strength, wisdom and humor (good for the ) . Lots of good responses here. You are not a horrible person. A horrible person wouldn't care about her child nor her husband, or especially herself.
Your recovery has to be about you and for you, regardless if your A chooses sobriety or not. It's about taking back your life and living the life you so richly deserve.
It was because of this program that I was able to make an informed decision about my A. I finally did tell him to leave. I was bound and determined not to have him back until he had at least 90 doys sobriety. However, when he became deathly ill I changed my mind. I got so much support from my family here when he left and the same when I took him back. We do not judge here, nor do we give advice here. But we do offer love and support here on your journey of recovery. You are not alone here. You have to do what is best for you and your child whatever that decision is.
Going to face to face meetings, doing readings, joining us here are all positive steps in the right direction. The more you know about this disease and how it affects you, the better off you'll be. Please keep coming back to us.
Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty <--- the cat
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
I understand how you feel. When I asked my AH for a divorce 3 years ago I felt guilty because he didn't have anywhere to go and I stayed and continued to be unhappy. We also have a young daughter and she is his only source of true joy in his life. How could I possibly leave to make a better life for myself if it would make him unhappy?
I finally went to my first Al-anon meeting 2 weeks ago and have continued to go. Finding this program is helping me find out who I am and understand that I am not alone in my journey of understanding.
Continue visiting this site and reading other posts from members. Find an Al-anon meeting in you area if there is one and take that 1st step in the door.
Thank you one and all for your support and thoughts. The support is most welcome. I am grateful for you all. I definately will be back and am, this moment, looking for a face to face in my area. Thank you again!
Hi, I know we aren't supposed to give advice so I'll just tell you this...
If you're horrible then so am I because that's exactly what I did. I didn't kick him out but I moved out and left him in a house with no power and water and no job. He spiraled downhill from there. I have heard the I'm going to quits and I'm going to whatever so many times I can't take another. One very important thing I have learned here is to judge by ACTIONS not words!~ I always took his word and that just leads to resentments as far as I'm concerned. Also the other important thing - mean what you say. If you say this is what's going to happen then follow through and don't say anything you're not willing to do. They count on that.
The A before this last one was in the same boat, no family, no friends, I kicked him out and he got on with his life for about two years and then killed himself drinking. This may sound cold but it had been a good long time and I was happily married to the new A and I remember thinking I was so glad that it didn't happen when we were together. The pain of losing your childrens' father is horrendous but if we had still been together when it happened I don't know how I would ever have made it through.
I guess me kicking him out in the cold was really a blessing in disguise in the end.
I'm with Carolinagirl... if you're horrible.. I am too.
I left my husband and filed divorce papers. A few days later the judge granted me full possession of our home. He was kicked out with nowhere to go. He somehow managed to find people that would take him in. I just kept telling myself... he's not my problem anymore. I need to focus on me.. not worry about where he is and what he's doing. He did this to himself...this is a result of the poor choices he has made. It was the hardest thing to do... to leave him behind, but in the end it was the best thing for me.
It's been a little over a year, and I'm really starting to live my life again.
Take care of you! Artygirl.
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Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass, it is about learning to dance in the rain.
Could be?
) . Lots of good responses here. You are not a horrible person. A horrible person wouldn't care about her child nor her husband, or especially herself. 
The more you know about this disease and how it affects you, the better off you'll be. Please keep coming back to us. 