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Hi, I came in here a little bit a few months ago, and go to chat on occasion.... but haven't posted much or kept up with things on the message board... Well, I don't really know if this goes with Alanon.... or if it's an Alkie thing.... or something else... but I need to hear some ES&H...
I have this need to be in a relationship, codependent I guess.... for the first time in my life I'm alone. I'm 24, and since I was 13 I've had one boyfriend after another never being single for more than a month or so. I was with my ex-husband (alcoholic) for 7 years, married for 2 1/2... I got sober, he didn't, and I couldn't stay with him... When I left him, I moved 12 hours away to live with a man I met in an AA chatroom... that lasted a few months, and I moved back down south in August, stayed with family for a bit, and just got my own place for the first time... no men to take care of me, no friends out here - at least not real close, they're an hour away in Memphis....
Well, the past few months, the AA chatroom I go to now, most my friends in there are guys, and we joke a lot, in a flirting way..... they know it's in fun.... well a couple guys didn't, and tried stuff with me, but most in there know it's just playing around.... but I guess I crave that attention or something, having all those guys flirting with me. I started thinking I had feelings for one of my guy friends.... eventually realized it's just that I'm looking for a guy to take care of me... I do realize I don't need any relationship, I need the time to myself, to learn to be happy with myself, to gain a bit of independence.... and I can tell myself that for awhile and believe it and behave.... but then well I guess lately my feelings and emotions are running away from me again...
I have a good friend that I talk to often, he's coming down to see me next month for a weekend. I want to believe it is totally innocent, actually mostly I do believe it is. We don't flirt or joke in that way much really, and I trust this guy with my life. But then another friend pointed out, for this guy to loan me money, then plan to take a weekend trip down here (13 hour drive) he's gotta be expecting something in return..... which I don't believe so with this guy, but it got my mind going. The sick part of my mind is telling me, so what if he wants something in return? that'd be fine.... ugh... I don't think that's it at all though, and he doesn't say much of anything that would hint in that direction, when he does I'm sure he's joking.
I've let some things happen lately, with the guys that have tried stuff with me, I'd actually talk to them hoping that something would happen. There's now another guy wanting to come see me, and it's not totally innocent... and that sick part of me tells me that's fine.... lol
I get mad at myself sometimes for all this..... someone in the chatroom I go to jokes that I'm the "chat room hussy" lol I started realizing the impression I give off, and I'm not really a slut, I'm not even really a flirt.... I'm just lonely I guess, and I crave that attention from guys, and I guess I think that's the only way I'll get the attention.
Sorry, I'm really rambling a lot.... I've been fighting with myself over this for a couple of months now, realizing how I'm acting, but not managing to change it either..... I'll make myself "behave" for a few days in the chatroom, and back off, and watch what I say..... then it's back to the flirting in there and wanting attention.... and maybe subconciously looking for my next guy, telling myself I don't need a relationship, but kinda hoping that something will happen....
I'm starting to think I need a break from the chatroom and all these guys, that I need to get my priorities straight.... there are about 3 friends from there that I talk to on the phone, that I would keep talking to, but should maybe stay out of the chatroom till I get my head on straight and stop thinking like this.... other than that, I'm not sure how to change this.
Any ES&H on this from y'all? Anyone been through this? I talk to a friend that's in Alanon, I have only been to a couple of alanon meetings myself.... but she says she used to be the same way, and says she's "addicted to alkies" lol So I thought maybe I'd hear some words of wisdom in here...
I love your icon, by the way, very clever!! I don't know how much ES&H I can give you on this, but I will tell you that I, too, felt very codependent and thought I would just die without a relationship.
Last year, after finding this program and working through a lot of old baggage, I have found that I am my own best friend. I really am happy with myself and my struggles and downfalls, and high places. I have been able to begin to feel comfortable without having "validation" from a mate.
You are young, and you have a lot of living left to do. I guess I don't understand, are you meeting these men that want to come see you in the chat rooms? Maybe it's just my age, but I don't really think I would meet someone I met on a chat room. Also, I am a recovering alcoholic, and I was taught that in AA you should be careful as a woman because there are a lot of times men attempting at taking advantage of recovering women. I really believe this is a horrible, shifty thing to do - if you are like me you are trying to better yourself in recovery and AA, not to find a mate! I don't know how much sobriety you have or whether it matters, but in my experience getting sober takes a lot of work on yourself.
Maybe you can hang with some girlfriends or just do some things on your own. I found that once I did hike alone, go on trips alone, etc. - the fear was gone and I felt empowered! I really am not afraid to be alone anymore!
More power to you, hope and love!!! Take care of yourself!!
Heidi, thanks for your response.... and I do believe if I allow myself to be alone for awhile, I probably will be happy being alone.... it's just hard adjusting to it, and my sick mind keeps telling me I gotta find another man to take care of me I guess...
Yes, these guys are people I know online.... I have met internet friends before, with no problem, and only after I'd known them online and on the phone for quite some time. I do realize it's not very safe usually.... but the guy coming down here next month is someone I've known quite awhile now, over a year, and trust him, and know others who have met him in person. The other guy that mentioned coming up here, well, I'm knowing I don't need to let that happen, he isn't all that far from here, about 6 hours south of me, but knowing he'd be coming here expecting something to happen with us.... that's not what I need lol
Yeah, the exbf I just left, the one I moved away to live with.... he's one of those shifty guys in AA that take advantage of young newcomer women.... but I didn't realize it until I moved out there and had been there awhile... I lived there for about 8 months and finally admitted I needed to get out of there. I am actually much more careful now, but I'm still being a flirt and all that and carrying on with the guys, and I'm just not liking myself for it.... I told myself today that I'm not going into the chatroom for awhile now until I get my head on straight...
I emailed some of the women from that chatroom though, asked if I could add them on messenger, knowing I need to get closer to more women in the program. Online friends are a bit of a lifesaver for me right now, since I don't know people in this area I just moved to, and with lack of money for gas it is very hard to get to meetings right now, but I'm going to get to a couple of meetings and try to find someone that lives in this area that I could get rides to meetings with... closest meetings are an hour or so away here.
Oh, and I just got 5 months sober.... and have had a very hard time listening to the "no relationships in the first year" suggestion lol Realizing now that it is something I need to listen to, but still struggling a bit with that because I don't like being alone...
Well who says people don' t act out their issues all over the place. I certainly did. I had a really hard time with everything, every single aspect of my life for a long time. I'd like to tell you it was all the A.
I can recommend some literature (non conference approved) Pia Melody writes some interesting stuff about codependency and Melody Beattie is spot on. Being in these rooms will help.
I used to really want to measure recovery by stages now I think many of us have many many issues. I certainly have them.
There are great people in recovery rooms and people who are looking to mess around. Spotting them used to be beyond me. I've been in 12 step groups night and day and I've been in internet groups. I've found this one works for me. I think its a huge experiment to find what works. I know I constantly look for recovery friends. If you have a few that's like gold dust. Some of us have to take a while to build up a program.
