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I was wondering how the rest of you handle the lying. Yes, I know that it is part of what an addict does, but should I say something when I know he is lying or do I just let it go.
This is really frustrating me, because it seems to be getting worse. It used to be just lies when I would ask a question about something. Now he lies without me even saying a word. Example, this happened this morning. We are trying to sell a vehicle, it has a short in the fan switch, you have to turn off the a/c everytime you turn off the vehicle or it will continue to run and drain the battery. This morning he gets in it and the battery is dead, I see him out there jumping it, I say nothing, I know what happen. He left the fan on the last time he drove it. He comes in and says to me, 'The tv got left on in the van.' Well, I know that is not what happened, the tv shuts off as soon as you turn off the engine, it was my vehicle for six years I know these things.
Why did he lie? I don't get it. Does he think I'm an idiot?
These kinds of things happen all the time.
So, back to my question..... Do I confront him or let it go?
Ya know, for me, I let the little things go. What is the point is saying, "I know you left the a/c on and the fan drained the battery!" ?? As long as he is not taking out on you or the kids, I'd let it go. Now if the lying was to cover his own butt and direct the blame on someone innocent and have them suffer consequences for it, I would have to say something. Stand up for the innocent.
With my AH, I have just learned to avoid asking questions when I know the answer will result in a lie. Why make him tell me a lie when I already know the truth. You know the saying "Ask me no questions, I will tell you no lies!" I stick to that. Right now the lies are hurting him more than they are hurting you. I'd say just ignore him. He knows he is lying and he knows you know it. Why point it out? But that is just me. I just try to keep things a peaceful as possible so the chaos doesn't get out of control.
I think it seems to be part of the disease. I find it hard going. There is no trust with a liar is there?
I used to confront people to high heaven.I'm not sure that does much good.
I think for me its been long term what do I do when I am dealing with a liar. For me it reinfoce the boundary time and for me personally that was a huge huge piece of work to do.
Part of recovery is aknowleding what is really going on....it's a hard step...one board member posted to me one time, "why ask why" that will drive you insane. They just do what they do because of the disease.... My A still lies to me, but in a way that he thinks he is sly....like if I don't ask a direct question then he just doesn't say anything about his activities. I guess I have got to a point, most of the time, that I don't care, I know who I am and that's what's important. I also find when it does bother me to say "Let go, Let God" sometimes I have to say it like 20 times to make me feel better....LOL Hang in there, be gentle with yourself. Hugs
Something that took me a while to acknowledge is that sometimes he had literally forgotten. You wouldn't think he could possibly have forgotten, with multiple recent conversations about whatever the topic was, but in fact that's how fried his brain was.
A question for me to ask myself in these situations is - what's my motivation? If I need to say something for myself, then I can work out how to say it. ("oh really? I thought it was the fan switch that did that."....... "Oh, that's annoying isn't it, sometimes the battery's drained on me because of the ac before..." .... If I need to say something to prove something (like, I'm right, or, I know you're either lying or brain dead), then maybe it's best to leave it be.
My exA is probably a pathological liar, which means they don't care about truth vs untruth.
He was going around the little town we live in for the first several months telling people he was a DOCTOR. Good grief.
He cared so little about truth vs untruth he didn't find it important to tell ME he was spinning a fantasy so I wouldn't blow his cover :D . So the look on my face the first time I heard he was a DOCTOR must have been priceless!
This guy is not a run of the mill alkie/addict, he's mentally disordered as heck, but his example is good even if it is extreme.
When I confronted him, half jokingly, to please let me know his latest lie so I could be prepared not to blow his cover, he just got quiet and changed the subject refusing to go back to it.
He demonstrated NO remorse.
I never felt right making excuses for him, addict with a disease or not. A liar is a liar whatever THEIR motivation is, and nothing I have any control over. If anything, my realization that my exA would lie as easily and readily as he told the truth was INFORMATION about him that I could use in my efforts to take better care of myself.
And one of those efforts was accepting him as he was without trying (fruitlessly) to change him. Then, he began to make me sick to my stomach, and then, it was basically over.
I believe the disease tells him everyone is an idiot. The issue though, I think, is who does it hurt? Lies hurt anyone who believes them. This includes you, him, and the children if there are any. If you do not delude yourself into believing them they do not hurt you. Then they only hurt him. If we believe the lies they have the power to shake our foundation of belief in right and wrong. We begin to question what's real and what's not.
This is particularly damaging to children as they grow up not understanding the difference between truth and fiction or right and wrong. My A grew up in such a household and is now struggling with learning what truth really means. I did not grow up that way and it was much easier for me to get back to my core belief in honesty and truth.
Now as far as what to do about it when you know he is lieing, I agree somewhat with what the others have said about choosing your battles. Sometimes it's just not worth the trouble.
However, I also found that it doesn't always have to be a battle. If my motivation is simply to stand up for myself, then I started just telling my A very calmly, " I do not believe you. There is nothing you can really do to make me believe that." That is it. I did not discuss the matter further, period. My purpose was not to start a fight, but to simply stand up for me once in a while.
This obviously would not work for some, and may depend on their stage of recovery, but it worked well for me.
(My A read your post this morning, BTW, and the first comment he had was," tell him you don't believe him", in case that makes any difference.)
This is my take on it, so take what you want and leave the rest. Hope it was of help to somebody.
In recovery,
__________________
~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
My A student continually lies. She makes out she does not realise what she has to do and then gets hostile when dealt with, I am going to adopt the maxim why ask why, I think thats a great response as I have got nowhere challenging this type of behaviour except frustrated.
