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It's been some time since I've posted. So much has gone on here. When I drew the "line in the sand" with my A and decided to push for a divorce he agreed for about 2 days then everything went to hell.
My A and I have been living apart for 3 yrs now (wow, lol It's hard for me to believe it's been that long) Only he's a big control freak who I've often called the puppet master. For a long time I allow or lived with certian things thinking that it was an acceptable sacrifice to be able to afford my kids with some sort of stable home -- god that sounds insane now.
Anyhow, over the last 2 months my A has scared me. He went off the deep end one night, on my front porch. I just stood there and took it, when I went in the house I tried to pat myself on the back thinking I didn't fight with him-- I didn't make it worse. Only what I did do was completely shut down. Old, old old behavior. I went back out, sucked it up and faced his fury and told him to leave, he had no rights here, to leave or else. He was so out of control -- the puppet master couldn't control his puppets.
Then next day he took off from work, I believe he scared himself. I know he scared me. Since then he calls repeatedly, thinks of reason to come over. Last night I refused answer the phone after I had already talked with my twice. He called 7 times in 45 min. then came over. Over and over he is pushing me to say that there is hope for us. I just don't understand his thinking -- he doesn't want to move back in.
For the last three yrs he has said "I will always care for you, but I don't love you." Fine, I accepted that. Now he is asking me out to dinner, says that he has done some "major soul searching and realize I love you. It doesn't change anything, but I do love you." Okay, now does anyone else see how messed up that is? Why the hell say it if it doesn't change anything. I believe he thought I'd just fall head over heals at the nice little nugget he tossed me. But I didn't. I'm determined to keep moving forward, I told someone one that continuing to live like this isn't an option anymore, I just can't. Only moving forward, pushing forward -- god I'm scared.
My A is all over the board, he is so out of control. My sponsor, love her to death, is worried -- actually she's pissed, as is my brother. You see I have no recourse for a RO. He appears to be a really great guy. I feel like I'm a news story about to happen, the kind where the husband says he really loved her.
I don't believe alanon has an answer for this but thank you for letting me vent anyhow. And please don't tell me I need to get out. I think I'll just turn to dust if you do. Cause, I am out, I have my own house.
I understand what you are going through. My AH refuses to let me go too. Only I am not scared of him. He hasn't done anything to make me fear for my life. He appears pretty sane and actually doing well in his new found sobriety. He has been clean since Mid July, working a good job and being very dependable.
I believe it was jrtjosey who offered me her spine to stand my ground w/my AH and not get back together with him. I didn't taker her up on that offer, dang it. AND NOW I am roped back in. He tells me he loves me and always will. That his love grows stronger for me every single day and that the kids and I are his only reason for getting out of bed in the morning. He tells me I am beautiful and wonderful, a great mother and was always a great wife. He of course is always trying to get sex and has managed to pull it off a few times recently. He knows exactly what to say and what buttons to push with me and I am WEAK!!!!
I can't help but think that I should just ride the boat a little longer. See how long it lasts, take advantage of his help w/finances and the kids. He has filed bankruptcy and so he will be able to help me more than before - (as long as he is working). I don't however plan on allowing him to move back in. Even if we stayed together forever, I don't ever want to live w/him again. My new house is just too small for the both of us to be in it. He would drive me crazy being there 24/7.
But enough about me...this was your post....you take care of you. Stand your ground and know that you are in control of your destiny, not him. Guard yourself and your kids and always be on the alert. If you fear he may do something crazy, always be prepared for it. And if nothing ever happens, all the better. We are here for you.
Being "off the deep end" and "out of control" on your front porch IS, I think, grounds for calling the police. "I'm really frightened" is enough of a "reason", and it's a plenty valid reason to give him afterwards too, if you feel you need one, if he says "why did you call the cops, I wasn't doing anything."
That said, if you're really concerned about being a news story, maybe do some plan B-ing. If the kids still live at home, make sure they have an emergency plan - maybe a safe house to get to, a back route to get there. Get one of those fire-escape ladders you can hang out a window so you can get out the back from upstairs if you need to. Keep a spare car key & money & cell phone (to call 911) at the safe neighbor's house. Give yourself some options.
The disease is supposed to sound "messed up". It's a disease, and it's cunning, baffling & powerful. Good for you for paying attention to your own behaviour, and for leaning on your sponsor. Sounds like your spine is just fine.
You guys, I relate so much! My exA was like a sticky booger, I'll not go on with the metaphor!
If only he were as "harmless" as a booger, though. He wasn't, his antics and tantrums were hurting me deeply no matter how detatched I got. No, I don't think detatchment "failed" here, I think in my case, my exA was over the top and into some kind of extremely disordered state, beyond the beyonds as the Irish say.
And he'd follow up on his tantrums and abuse with loving, tender words, sincere gifts, and said what QOD's A said almost to the T . . . I am the only reason he goes on living, I am beautiful, he desires me so much it hurts him, I am the only good thing in his life.
He was SO GOOD at saying these things, but over time when the BAD stuff just kept happening, over and over again, the good things he said stopped meaning anything to me, it's like he'd tell me how deeply he loved me and it felt like he stabbed me in the stomach, it hurt so much.
Luna, maybe you don't have grounds for an RO now . . . but the next time he's on YOUR front porch throwing a tantrum, call the cops and you will have grounds based on harassment and intimidation. No one is allowed to stand on your front porch, not even your AH, and scream, holler, pound on the door and disturb the peace of you or the neighborhood.
Thanks guys....I'm on the verge of an emotional meltdown. I keep telling myself, I shouldn't have to start every sentence out as "Don't get mad....." or be afraid to refuse his offers to "help." I don't want him to help me, I don't want him hanging about. But just telling him that is having to accept that he may go off the deep end with ..."what you don't want me here." and that will start a spiraling conversation that will end up in explosive rage.
He knows he's out of control, he's actually said he's not going to do the jeckle and hyde thing -- only he can't control it. I hate that he can go off so easily...like seeing a thank you card from an finacial planner who was going door to door and just talked with me for a bit...like I did something to get this TY. Or when a neighbor's daughter got married and she gave me a beautiful center piece when she saw me walking the neighborhood because she had a ton of them...what did I "do" to get that. Nothing is simple, nothing is easy everything has to be explained to him, yet he doesn't live here.
I feel insane...sick to my stomach. I can hear him in my head "What, I can't hug you?" it's all in how it's said. Or "you aren't hugging me back" This is his night to come over to see the kids ugh...I hate this.
your extended family have some wise words of experience there -- i've an ex that wanted me for - what.. A trophy for his mantle..
Stay safe - its ok to dial 911 and to leave the phone off the hook - the police respond to calls in a reasonable amount of time, most of the time. Do b safe. The kids depend on u.
When my ex was acting that crazy (which he did many times over the years) it was usually when he had another woman on deck and he was trying to push me so that he could say "see, she didn't want me, she's a b*%^$! I HAD to leave!" I usually responded (once I knew about the other woman) with just as much insanity. I am so sorry you are going thru this with him. The final death of a relationship is never pretty. You have choices! Don't let the fear overwhelm you!! Much love....
okay, you know there are times I am so glad I come here -- sometimes I want to think that no one could understand, lol, but someone always does.
Get -- I have very much been the trophy wife. Only it was always drilled into me that I was really just a "mom in a dress."
Serenity -- you bet I've got choices, I choose not play my part -- I cut the puppet masters strings and I choose to believe that facing him, (my fears) will allow me to find a way out. I could choose to keep doing what I've always been doing -- but I just can't anymore. And it's funny, the 2 a.m calls from strange women started a few weeks back and their voice mails etc. I just told my A I didn't appreciate it, that I need my sleep-- though he swears he doesn't know this lady (hag). I don't know and I don't care.....I just want to move forward.
Lunamoth, you're in my thoughts and I admire your courage. Its not easy when they are screaming the place down, you move forward girl, at least he's not still living with you, I foolishly let my ex-a in when he was ill in January now its october, without this site I would have gone off my head by now. In addition I have an A student who is beginning to make my life hell with hostile behaviour, so I know what that irrationality is like.
That is so hard to deal with, but you do know the truth. You are a fine person and worthy of respect and honor. If he decides to provide less than that... switch to plan b... whatever that is. I have faith that you will be ok even if you leave him arguing on the porch with himself.
I am sorry anyone has to deal with that kind of emotional abuse.
Please take care of you.... whatever it takes.
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
