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I married a recovering A 2 years ago, sober 25 years. I have children, he was never married. My ex is a very angry, vindictful man. My husband has no tolerance for my ex, which I understand, but he expects me to totally cut him off and this is really hurting my kids. I feel I need to go overboard for my children as they have a manipulative father who hurts them to get to me. Husband resents it and withdraws love from me, and does not understand. Husband doesn't understand the deep love and sacrifices we do for our children. He has trouble showing emotions, and I honestly think if I left him, he wouldn't care. It's his way, the right way. Sometimes I do something stupid which re-engages my ex and my husband gets really mad at me, not understanding how difficult and confusing juggling all these balls in the air is. Why can't he be empathetic and understanding and help guide me rather than judgemental and cold? Is it the disease? SOmetimes I feel he thinks he is never wrong, never makes a bad choice, is just completely rightous. How can I get him to be a "partner" in this marriage, to have a deeper love, understanding, acceptance with me, and ignore my ex? He completely allows my ex to control our relationship. I am afraid my marriage will end soon if something doesn't change. We are in counselling but it is not helping. He is closed minded.
It sounds like your ex is controlling you too. He knows what buttons to push; thus, your behavior changes and you go "overboard" with your children. I hear a lot of frustration and desperation in your post. You can't change your husband's or ex-husband's behavior; however, you can change your reactions. If they throw you a ball, you don't have to catch it. Can you sit down and write down situations that have ocurred, then write down what your reaction(behavior, feelings) was after that? Can you think of an alternative reaction that would not feed this vicious cycle? Try and place yourself in an observer position and notice what you see, especially your behaviors. Notice the patterns. - This is just a suggestion, but has given me greater awareness of myself in situations.
I agree. No point in trying to get him to be something he isn't. Instead, work on getting yourself to be a person who does what she thinks is right, and who doesn't attach too much weioght to the disapproval of others. On that journey, you will learn things that will help you decide what the next step is.
Thank you both. You are right in that he is trying to control me now, and I am doing things only to keep him around. Unfortunatley my children have been moved so many times and have had so much loss in their lives (they are teenagers) that I am giving in to him just so they won't have to move again. I know it hurts me but they are finally happy where we are living. Plus he is nice to them, cold but nice. I just need him to have an ounce of empathy and an ounce of allowing me to do what I think is right even if he disagrees. I know the path we are on is not good, doomed.
October, your situation is so sad but it's not hopeless. Build yourself up, get yourself around people who support you and you won't feel the loss of your H's support so keenly. You can get these needs met elsewhere.
Accept he doesn't have an ounce of empathy . . . if he doesn't, ya can't make him. There are lots of empathetic, supportive people out there. Meet YOUR needs for encouragement with positive friends and working a program for yourself.
You can do what you feel is right whether he disagrees or not. He's not your boss, he's your partner. It doesn't matter what he *thinks*, it matters what YOU think about you.
You don't have to respond to his nagging or complaining, you can say "that's your opinion" and just go about your business.
These are ways to tolerate him if you choose to stay. Alanon has LOTS of people who choose to stay and use the tools successfully. They just had to give up wanting their A to be something he or she is NOT. Accept what he is and go from there. Yeah it sucks but at least you won't waste anymore pain on wishing he were someone else.
Sometimes controlling people react angrily when the controllee pulls away. Be careful if that is the case. My exA got abusive and even violent, mostly threats. That made it impossible to stay . . . but I didn't have kids to disrupt.
Go out and see who you can find to help you be good to yourself :)
I would like to add something here as I have been on both sides of the fence, both as a loved one, and as a recovering alcoholic.
There is a difference between sober and dry, and just from what you have written, I'd venture to say there isn't much 'quality' sobriety with your current husband.
The purpose of AA and sobriety is not to just abstain from alcohol, but to grow as individuals, trying to better ourselves each day.
It saddens me to read of someone with 25 years of 'sobriety', yet they are still very self-centered and can't connect emotionally.
That reminds me much of my youngest daughter's father who has been 'sober' over 30 years now, and he has never ever been there for her as a parent. He's involved with AA, sponsors several fellows, but outside the halls of AA, he's never grown up when it comes to family.
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"If a dog will not come to you after having looked you in the face, you should go home and examine your conscience." - Woodrow Wilson
