The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I've been visiting this message board every day since my first post a couple of days ago. Reading other's stories has helped know I am not alone as I begin this journey of self-awareness. I am married to an A that keeps to himself most of the time. He does not like going to family gatherings (will not drink at them) or going out to enjoy life in general and I find that when he doesn't drink he is even more pulled into himself. I've stopped trying to have conversations with him because the one word responses or answers such as "I don't know" just got too frustrating. He is content just coming home from work opening a beer, watching TV, and cooking himself dinner. I've come to not expect anything from him. I don't know how much the alcohol plays a part in this since I said he is more "sad" and reclusive when he's not drinking. I am beginning to understand that alcoholism is a disease and I should treat him with compassion but if there is no connection physically, verbally, or emotionally how do I show compassion?
For me, it was getting some of my own needs met, so that when I saw him passed out on the couch, he was not just a reminder of what he wasn't giving me. His disease stopped being about me, when I was not so unhappy.
During the worst and most abusive part of his drinking, I was a very busy person. I was very involved in my home, in my kids' lives, at my job, and with my volunteer positions. Looking back, I see that I was keeping busy so that I could avoid thinking about and dealing with my life. In that sense, it was not a good thing, but in another sense it was - I had my life, and was simply too busy to spend too much time worrying about his.
Later, though we had a bit of a breakthrough- he became much less abusive, I was much more aware of him having a disease, rather than him being a jerk. I stayed as busy, but the focus changed. Instead of running around doing things for other people I was doing more things for myself. Got myself a Walkman, so I could listen to books and music while I worked out and walked the dog. Started going to karaoke regularly - had an enormous amount of fun, made friends. Got involved online, again, had fun, made friends.
A good part of my unhappinesss with his drinking had been that he was having so much fun, and I wasn't having any. As I realized that I didn't have to wait for him, in order to have fun, I lost a lot of resentment. I realized that drinking to blackout, and living your life in shame and fear that you would someday lose it all, was not really that much fun, anyway.
I think deep down I had been hanging onto my unhappiness, as a way of making him feel guilty so that he would stop being what he was and become what I wanted him to be. If I just said "OK, "whatever" and went off and had a nice time with my friends, wouldn't that be telling him that it was fine for him to continue in his ways? Of course it doesn't really work that way. Most of my covert "look what you are doing to me, you brute", he didn't even notice. When he did notice, it DID make him feel guilty, and he dealt with it the way that drunks deal with guilt - you got it, he got drunk.
So, don't try to influence him, influence yourself instead. As much as possible, in a healthy way (I'm not really advocating having an affair) get your needs met, without waiting for him to do it.
Hey lin ..you wrote "I think deep down I had been hanging onto my unhappiness, as a way of making him feel guilty so that he would stop being what he was and become what I wanted him to be. If I just said "OK, "whatever" and went off and had a nice time with my friends, wouldn't that be telling him that it was fine for him to continue in his ways?"
This sounds exactly like me although I have been hoping it would make him leave and of course it does not work. I have a tremedous life without him but honestly...I am a woman..a human being... who needs to be touched, loved (I'm sure he loves me the best that he can), and share a life with a man who needs the same.
How do you cope with getting your needs (emotional and physical) met when the other person is so void of either?
You work on the ones that can be met in other ways, by other people. Accept that your needs will not be met by him, and then decide - do you want to be with him anyway? It's this "going to the hardware store for bread" that gives most of us a lot of our unhappiness. Expecting an alcoholic to be 'normally' responsive, emotionally, is being unrealistic.
I wish there was a different answer to this - that there was a magic trick you could do, that would make him be the way you want him to be. There isn't, though. There is only accepting how he is. The choice then becomes up to you - is the good you get from him worth what you don't get, or not? You can beat your head againt the brick wall of his disease all you like, but that's not a battle you can win, because it's not a battle at all, it's just reality. If you live in Seattle, it's gonna rain. You can buy an umbrella, you can move to Arizona, but you can't stop the rain.
