The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
So we talked last night. He called me as I was coming out of the store w/dinner for me and the kids. He said he was down the street at the movies seeing what was playing and thought he'd try to catch me before deciding what movie to see and when. He said he wanted to come over to see the kids. I told him we'd be home in a few minutes and I had plenty of dinner if he was hungry.
So he gets there, says his hellos to the kids and then tells me he tried to call me several times. Well, duh! He knew we had karate class. AND....hmmmm....neither my cell phone nor my home phone listed any missed calls. Hmm..weird. So did he really try to call me several times. I am thinking probably not. But I let it go.
He visited for about 45 minutes and then left. Not 10 minutes after leaving he started in on the texting again. He told me the same thing he did earlier in the day....that he'd be there waiting for me forever if I ever want him back in my life. I texted back this time saying that I wanted off of this emotional roller coaster. That he was not nice to me the other night. That one day he is sweet and WHAM! then he is hateful. His response was he was tired too and my wish was granted. No hard feelings.
Before I even got the chance to respond, he called me to see if I got the 2nd text. I told him yes and was responding. I told him I didn't have all the answers to "Us" but that we cannot continue the way we are. He agreed. It amazes me but he thinks this all has to do with physical attraction....that I don't find him attractive any more. This blows me away b/c it has nothing to do with that. I think we proved over the last few weeks that the physical attraction is still there.....but that isn't enough. I told him I thought he was still the most handsome man I know and that no one compares in that area. He said the same about me. But there are some serious things missing from our relationship. Things I honestly think were never really there to begin with.
On top of that, too many things have happened....he has done too many things that have hurt me to the core......even in the beginning of our marriage. Things that I pushed down and tried to forget about but that were always there just under the surface, making me uncomfortable. I don't think I will ever get past them completely and that is a problem for me. I cannot just pretend any more that his actions don't hurt me. They do.
So we ended our call with: He will come over to visit the kids. We will be civil. He will not try to touch me or kiss me or anything that is physical. We will be there for our kids and that is that. He said that we have 2 directions we can go in, we can grow closer or further apart and it looks like it will be further apart. I don't get that. But whatever. I guess for him, he either wants me 100% or not at all. I want him to be a father to our children, to be a friend I can call on and vice versa. I just don't want to be married to him any more...and I don't want to have any type of romantic relationship with him. Isn't it possible for ex's to have a post marriage relationship that benefits both? Why does it have to be all or nothing? Eh, maybe this is better. It would be easier for me to move on, see other people and for him to do the same, if we distance ourselves more.
Life is so hard. Wish I could be a kid again when the most devastating thing in my life was that my brother ate all the good cereal before I got a bowl.
Someone told me that until a person fully commits to sobriety and fully integrates the program into their life they dont even become willing to open themselves to the things that you're describing. That they don't have the head space of that someone else might have the feelings and needs and emotions of what you're describing. That they won't be able to connect to what you're describing. So, I don't know if that helps, but that's what went through my head. It might help if you set a deadline, that if he doesn't make up his mind about what he wants in his life with you by this date, this will happen. I know I set a dead line with myself that if I hadn't done X with my father until this date, I would do Y.
I agree with Tiger - if he was committed to his sobriety, he would be following the steps to protect himself. He has to be his priority now if he is to get his life back. His life is as confusing as yours, but he has to be selfish in comitting to his sobriety first. If he does everything else will fall into place. Divorces don't have to be final. But he should give himself plenty of time to recover.
Ok now take all references to him and see how it sounds if it were written to you.
I know you know what to do, you may just need to borrow a spine from someone who has lived through it. And I mean that in the most loving way. I believe I had to borrow one awhile ago, but I have given it back.
Josey
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Julianne - It's best to move on. You cannot look back in anger in life. It's too short
...mmm... I'm next in line for that spine .... QOD someone told me once it's like holding the end of a rope, you both have an end and either one of you can let go at any time you want. You just have to let it go and not pick it back up. I was told I didn't need permission to let go -- and I didn't need to wait for my A to let go -- I could let go at any time I wanted to. And so can you.
I can empathise a lot with your share. For years I pushed down how much the A hurt me. I remonstrated with him and he kept on doing the same. I kept doing the same too. I ended up so eaten up in depression I fell into a deep depression. I could not see anyway forward. Al anon has taught me a great deal. Without 2 years in here under my belt I'd still be stuck in going round and round about what he's said and what he does.
I know for me seeing his disease in full technicolor has been so difficult. He hid his drug use. He hid his acting out on so many levels. I felt futile in getting him to change. The irony for me is in order to "live" I had to change. I had to stop being so invested in what he did. I had to stop resenting him. Resenting him took up huge gobs of my energy.
I feel for you I really do. I am so so so glad you can come here and put it out there. I still do that. I still need this group like water.
hear hear! I think it is possible after a good amount of time passes and acceptance has been gained by both parties but it's hard! I'm not there, I can say that for sure!
Great post - the one thing that helps me is DISTANCE.... it helps me get stronger, gain perspective and set boundaries. When I get back into the dance and the maybes, it gets harder for me to again let go. If you can, set some boundaries for yourself. You don't have to pick up the call or the text message. Set clear guidelines on the kids and his schedule with them. Thanks for the reminder and good luck! We are hear if you need us.
