The material presented
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to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My AH blew 34.8 days of meetings and sobriety a week and a half ago. Prior to this recent bout with lucidity (his most since rehab over 2 years ago) I made a commitment to myself not to intervene by telling him how his behavior was affecting me because it never seemed to ultimately help things.
Well now he is back to all his old behaviors...lying about where he is going, coming home drunk at 4 pm and having to sleep it off in order to join the family, being very defensive and condescending. I have no desire to even acknowledge him when I know he is drunk because he in incoherant and rude.
I want to tell him that I have limits, that I can't speak to him when he is drunk, that I have a breaking point. Please tell me...how much do I tell him? I hate behaving like he isn't even here, but the alternative is to blow up!
A memory came up as I read your post . . . remembering as I'd stand doing the dishes having those internal conversations with the A, telling him all the stuff I desperately wanted him to know. On and on and on. I did it in my head because telling him directly did nothing but frustrate me.
Then this little thought popped into my head . . . "This is the stuff I need to be telling MYSELF!"
I have limits! I have a breaking point! Yes I do! I live with an active addict that I can't have a normal exchange with! This is all true. Blowing up at him (which I did regularly) only felt good while I was blowing, but afterward it was like a hangover.
Whether or not he "gets it" you have a breaking point, whether or not he agrees or disagrees, you are suffering and hate his lying and are being affected adversely. You don't need him to "get it" for you to "get it".
Hope that makes sense :) I kept thinking that I needed my ex to see my point of view so I could see it too. Give yourself permission to feel what you feel and see where you go with that.
I'm so sorry you're going through this hell :( Please take good care of you!!
I think the best thing to do when he starts his rude behavior is to just walk away. Talking to someone when they are drunk is like poking yourself in the eye. I went to a conference on alcoholism and the speaker said to only speak to an alcoholic when they are sober and to say to them, "When you ______, I feel ________. This way there is no blame and they have a choice of whether they want to change their behavior. Our anger directed towards them only alleviates their guilt so they came blame it on us. It is a vicious cycle until you stop picking up his stuff. I know how difficult it can be. Hang in there!
I think those Getting Them Sober books help us know what to do and say. I am like Kim with that internal dialogue. For sure they don't hear a thing when theyare drinking. My AH is sober and it is so difficult to talk to him. He blows up over everything. Finally I realized it has nothing to do with what I say or do. Advice given to me was to say what you need to say in 4 sentences or less and let go of the outcome. They more I talk the worse it gets.
For me, I never tried to communicate w/my AH when he was drinking or coming down from one of his highs. Heck I even began to recognize the moments before he would go off on a binge and avoid talking to him then too. It always seemed he'd pick a fight w/me right before he'd disappear for a day or two, week or two, month! And I'd feel responsible for his binge, thinking the fight is what caused it. When really, his craving is what caused the fight.
So for me, I would have those internal conversations and never breath a word of them to my AH while he was messed up. No point. Even now that we are separated, I can recognize his moods and when he is edgy, there is no point in having a conversation w/him b/c he is irrational and tends to blame all his problems on me. When all I am guilty of is ignoring his deceptive behaviors for way too long, no matter how bad it hurt me.
