The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I've been dating a recovering alcoholic (14 mo. sober) for three months and the relationship just ended today. I know his program is the most important thing right now, yet does it give him the right to be totally self-absorbed, to not ask about me and my life?
I have tried to discuss some basic emotional needs with him in this partnership but was immediately branded as "codependent" and "insecure". I feel he is trying to put his AA training on me, instead of stepping up to some simple things his partner wants.
As much as I cared about this person and wanted it to work, I wasn't willing to wait forever for him to be there for me. I've heard other women say they were treated like this. Can anyone relate? My gut says I've done the right thing by backing away, but it still hurts, you know?
"Totally self absorbed" is pretty common for an A.
No, he doesn't have the right - you took it away from him by breaking up with him. The very best thing anyone who cares about an alcoholic can do is let him suffer the consequences of his actions. He was not ready to be in a real, grownup, healthy relationship, so he lost the one he had. This may not feel greatto you, but it is the best thing, for both of you.
Fourteen months sober is still pretty new to recovery. Things may look different a couple of years down the line, if you run into him again, but I wouldn't hold my breath.
I think you know the answers to your questions. Acceptance is the most difficult part. I dated someone for two weeks. He didn't ask me one question, then he started not calling when he said he would. I know for me when I start having doubts and questions about someone, it is a red flag for me. And, if I choose to stay then I am headed for trouble.
"Me, myself & I" thats your typical alcoholic......Selfish through and through.
No, come and go with you, it's all or nothing with them. In my opinion only.
I was involved with a recovering A, seven years sober..."Oh man", even then he was selfish to the core. It was all about HIM, HIS programme, and I was interfering with his recovery.....lol Aye right....
I realised no matter what I do or say, he would always turn it around on me.
Just look at yourself, and work on you...
"Manipulation, control, and emotional blackmail", Thats a few of the traits of the Alcoholic, recovering or not..
Oh, I wish I knew about this site a few years ago. Two years ago I married a recovering alcoholic, 25 years sober. He is a wonderful man, but very selfish. Everything is either black or white, no middle ground. I never knew how hard it would be. He is selfish as well as inable to express real emotional feelings. His way is the right way, and yes, he pushes his recovery ways on me. It's tough. The only saving grace is that he is a really nice guy. Too bad he covers up so much of who he really is. My advice is stay away. It's too hard.
Thank you all so much for validating my thoughts and feelings about my now former a. boyfriend. It's been two days since the breakup and I feel incredible! Like a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders. I didn't realize how oppressive it was to be waiting for someone to show they cared, to not be emotionally manipulated, and try to wade through all the bullshit. I kept giving him the benefit of the doubt but I wasn't getting anything back and I deserve more than that. He told me he was like this in the past when he was drinking ... like one of you said, you can take the rum out of the fruitcake, but you still have the fruitcake. He lost possibly the best thing that could have happened to him. I'm better off, and I thank you all for your support! :)
You didn't say if you had attended any open AA meetings, Face to Face Al-Anon meetings, read any literature about alcoholism, alcoholics, enabling, ourselves and the disease of alcoholism or any of the many sources of information that is very important to anyone attempting to have a relationship within this disease. One very important piece of information I got as the partner, spouse of an alcoholic is that the problem isn't often about "them" it's about "me". It wasn't that she didn't understand....it was that I didn't understand and I needed to. It is very very easy to blame the alcoholic and to put unreasonable expectations upon them (I put some on mine that I don't think I could have fulfilled) after all she was the dysfunctional ones while I was (back then) not responsible for anything that could ever go wrong in my life or anyone elses...blameless. One thing the disease of alcoholism did for this member of the Al-Anon Family Groups is to stop trying to place expectations on others, turn around and face myself, get honest and do an inventory on my own self. I learned any number of important things and one of the best was to not place the responsibility for my happiness and/or sadness in the hands of another especially if they are alcoholic or addicted to something. (I also was married to a religious fanatic...I wonder how many of our membership just flinched at that one! LOL). Given an open choice today I would be hard pressed to choose one or the other except the disease of alcoholism led me to this wonderful, miraculous, spiritual recovery program and family.
He told you what his priority was and in general it was to get a spiritually aligned life without alcohol as a higher power and not to surrender that for anything or to anyone. That is far from unreasonable for and alcoholic if you understand what this disease does to them...and those around them. They get to Trust God, clean (their own) house and help other alcoholics. If he let anyone gain priority over that the risk he would be taking of loosing it all including his life is enormous. This disease isn't curable. It doesn't fall asleep and it is patient. It's sole aim is to terminate the life of those who are compulsed to drink before anyone else.
He did what is right for his sobriety. He did the only thing necessary to gain and hold on to a real sobriety and that is put his program first. There are attacks that will be made upon his character and he will be called many derogatory things...selfish being the least of them...and he will remain sober and will be able to help another alcoholic attain the same physical, mental, emotional and spiritual level. Awesome...he will not die and he will help another alcoholic not loose a life either. Miraculous!! He is selfish and selfless at the same time. Some will be forever grateful and some will burden themselves with the weight of resentment, intolerance, indifference and all kinds of negative feelings for this man and in the process to the end what will matter most to the recovering alcoholic is what his God feels about his efforts and how he feels about his commitment to a sober spiritual life.
You did the right thing for yourself and you supported a recovering alcoholic efforts. Marvelous. I believe that this is HP's will and that will is most important to us all. Just my experience.
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