The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Re-joining this site has once again confirmed for me that as a parent of an A with intense family problems, there is no where to really turn. This site and the posts are 99% about spouses, girlfriends, ex-spouses, ex-girlfriends. I am desperate to interact with parents of A's. Mostly on this site the posts tend to be very negative about especially mothers of A's. The exes and those women involved with A's seem to blame or demonize the moms. It is hurtful to me to read. Perhaps some mothers of A's enable and cause problems, but I for one am seeikng help. I am not in denial nor am I enabling. I just don't know if this site if where I should be. That is why I left before. Does anyone know of any place where there are mothers and fathers and grandparents who are being terribly affected by alcoholism...someplace where sharing can be helpful. If so, I would greatly appreciate a name, a link, something?
I have attended f-to-f meetings of Al-Anon. The majority of people there are also female, spouses or exes. I try to identify and have taken away good lessons and suggestions. I guess I am seeking something that does not really exist. Parents are generally suspect in alcoholic behavior in their offspring...suspect in that "something must have gone wrong in their upbringing". If I bought into that fully (and to a degree I DO buy into that and feel great guilt) I would not be able to continue to live with it. I feel now with my cancer hanging over my head, my family broken and shattered, my future hanging by a thread, there is indeed some kind of HP retribution coming my way. I will not post here again. It was a mistake to re-join. Trust your first instincts and be true to what you decided. I begin one to one counseling at the end of this week; I can only hope that I will find some kind of peace by paying someone to listen. It is for sure I haven't found it anywhere else.... the first time I tried it I paid over $160 per hour only to have the Christian counselor tell me to "walk away fast from your son and DIL...hand that baby back to her and say you have no part in this mess....if you don't take my advice you will regret it in the months to come." I just couldn't take that advice then; now I wish I had had the courage because things have gone from bad to the worst possible. Spouses walk away. Parents don't. Thank you for putting up with me for two posts. I have made a mistake.
I am the mother of a 29 year old daughter who is a practicing addict/alcoholic, and also the grandmother of her two children who have been profoundly affected by their mother's disease.
If there's anything I can do to help, please let me know.
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"If a dog will not come to you after having looked you in the face, you should go home and examine your conscience." - Woodrow Wilson
My son is 22 years old and is a adult child of A and is a problem drinker himself. Had been coasting along pretty good until about a month ago. Our issues with each other go back to when he was about 13.
You are right, there are unique issues with having a son or daughter with a drinking problem, but most of that comes from the fact that "we" as parents see it different. We have spent their whole life trying to protect and make right the world for them... and now those behaviors we found loving and with their best interests at heart, appear to backfire on us.
It's my opinion that the only reason parents see it this way is because most people don't start out thinking they have to "save" or "protect" their spouse. Many do, but as parents I always kinda felt it was my duty to bail him out of trouble... partly my responsability.
There are many here who are parents of A children. I am sorry you have not gotten the kind of support you are looking for, but Abby is right, F2F meetings might be a great next step. The program works for all my relationships, if I can stick to the principals taught here and not bend the rules with my son that I wouldn't bend with my wife.
My thoughts and prayers are with you... I know how difficult this can be.
Take care of you!
-- Edited by rtexas at 14:37, 2007-10-02
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
I am not aware of sites specifically aimed at parents of alcoholics/addicts, as Al-Anon (as well as this site) is intended for ALL people affected by the disease. I would disagree that the percentages are so high - it would seem to me that we have many parents of addicts who regularly post here. As for the negative connotations - I hope these are the exception, and not the rule. Regardless, they are simply the experiences of the particular posting person, and not meant to lump you or "all parents of alcoholics" in with the descriptions.
The Three C's apply to you (as a parent) equally as they do to me (as a spouse). You did NOT cause it, you can't control it, nor can you cure it.
I hope you can get a lot from this site, and others like it. There are other similar sites online, but I think they are all generic Al-Anon....
Take care Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
dear omajoy, you sound like you are hurting so much. you are hurting in your relationships with your loved ones and you have such a strong desire to love and be with your little grandchild. i can only imagine what this must feel like. with so much hurt inside it must be so easy to let other peoples feelings and opinions hurt you too. these shares that we put out are really to release our feelings so that we can think more clearly, i think if you can bear to reach out in all your vulnerability you will recieve much love and hope from this site. i'm not saying you should, you are the one who knows what is right for you. i'm really just wishing you the blessings of the program. there will always be some people here with whom you would disagree but that's why we 'try' to practise principles above personalities. if you decide not to return i wsh you love and healing and if you decide to stay in touch i look forward to sharing the journey. yours in recovery, florrie
When people post they are posting of their personal experiences. Sometimes the A's Mother's are very troubling. The spouses are trying to work a program and set boundaries and then a parent (not necessarily a mother) will sabatoge or undo their hard work by enabling and go out of their way to make life easy for the A. I can imagine it's horribly unnerving. I'd be upset too!!
So they post here because they are among friends and can vent freely. They get help and different perspectives from others that have been through the same ordeal.
You said you came here to seek help. Therein lies the difference. The parents they are speaking of do not seek help. They tend to deny they need any at all. I don't quite understand why you would deem it hurtful to you. Because you are also a mother? They are not speaking of you sweetie. Please don't take on what isn't yours. If someone had a terrible wife and wrote about them... should I take that on because I am a wife? As was said, the tools and principals of Alanon apply to all situations. They are meant for spouses, mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers and friends...everyone! We can use them no matter what relationship we are to the A.
I hope you understand my words are said in kindness. I tend to call em as I see em. Nothing I said was meant to be hurtful in any way, hopefully, helpful. I also help you get back in to Alanon and find what you are looking for.
Christy
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Omajoy, I'm sorry about your negative experiences as a parent of an A. I am mother of 3 a's, and I have been in alanon for over twenty years. I participate in this site, both chat and meetings, as well as occasional posts. I am one of the lucky ones whose adult children learned to face their problems , and I thank God that each one flared up at a different time, or I would be bonkers by now.
I certainly hope that you will stick with a program, whether it be ours or not, for I feel that once you admit that you are powerless over alcohol, your life can get so much better. There will always be ups and downs, active a's or not, but this program has helped me, and is Still helping me, learn to Live.
I wish you the best of health and help, and please know we are here for you when you are ready.
My son is a 42 year old recovering alcoholic addict. His children my three grandchildren are fetal alcoholic syndrom and effect. My daughter-in-law's side of the family is severely alcoholic. My whole family on both sides suffered and continues to suffer from this disease of addiction and so have I and my present wife. We were at one time all children and some of our parents have gone thru what you are now going thru. The Al-Anon Family Groups is one of the best places to find the solutions that lead to peace of mind and serenity if you give it a fair chance. It is not the only place; it is considered the most effective because of the shared experience, strength and hope. What is necessary is patience and an open mind. If you can attain those both you will find help and more. Of course, it has been said in the past, "If you find that this program is not for you, we will gladly refund your miseries as you continue to see others." I didn't like that idea, have tried others and continue with this one.
