The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My AH came over last night. The kids and I were talking w/some folks after karate class when he called my cell phone. I started to not answer it, which surprised me. I have never been inclined to dodge him before. Anyway, I did answer it and he said he wanted to come over and see us. So I had to end my conversations at karate and go home, which aggrivated me. I get there and he is waiting in the drive way. BLAH.
He puts on a big smile and asks us how our day went. He layed out of work yesterday b/c his hands were hurting. Kind of hard to do tree work when your hands are swollen like water balloons. But also, I think he was probably still feeling ill effects from whatever he did Sat night. So he helped me w/preparing dinner and in the process hit me up for sex AGAIN. I was like, mmm I don't think so. This made him mad. He made some comment about how I must think that we will do it whenever I want it and not when he wants it, whenever it suits me. I just said whatever. I refused to feed the fire he was starting.
A little later when I walked by him in the kitchen, he looked me up and down, shook his head and said "It's a damn shame." Like 'I can't believe I won't be gettin with that any more.' I have never felt like a raw piece of meat more than when he did that. Later he said that we were going to have to start seeing other people if we weren't getting back together. That we are wasting each other's time and he needs to do what he needs to and so do I. I just said OK. That was my response to his every statement. OK. I think that really bothered him b/c I wasn't getting upset, yelling screaming, begging him to not go out and find another woman. AND the whole time I am thinking, we had sex twice and he thinks we are getting back together? We talked about this several times over the last 4 weeks. And I knew better than to think he would be able to just do the physical and not think we were going to get back together. He was a serious butt head for the rest of the night.
5 minutes after he pulled out of my driveway, he called. This is his typical behavior when we aren't getting along. So he called and said that he does all this stuff for me, brings me flowers and helps me out and he feels like he has to beg for a piece of a**. Oh that burned me to the core but I didn't respond. I just let him ramble. And said OK a few times.
Then 30 minutes later he called AGAIN. Still typical behavior. This time he apologized for disrespecting me. I said OK. He said a few other things that I cannot even remember b/c I wasn't really listening....just throwing an OK in there every once in a while.
And that was that. So he came over expecting it and when he didn't get it, treated me like crap and totally disrespected me. I know in my heart that this is not how he really feels. It is the A in him talking. The one that is still feeling the effects of getting f'd up Sat night. The one that didn't go to work Mon and probably feeling like dog doodoo for that. The one who layed out of work again today (Tues) probably still feuling from last night.
So I wonder is it all about to begin again???? He has been climbing the mountain since mid-July. Is he slipping backwards again? Yep, probably so. But you know what, this isn't going to effect me. It will suck when he loses his job and can't give me any money to help support the kids but I knew all along not to depend on that. Good thing I held onto the money he has given me so I can stretch it and spread it around, make it last as long as I can vs. putting it all towards a credit card or something. Not enough to pay off a card totally or even close so it might as well help me keep my credit score in good standing by allowing me to keep up my monthly payments on everything.
That is where I am today. He is being a butt head and my strength is coming back.....I am finding my feet again. Sad that I can only feel strong when he is being rotten. It is just easier to walk away from him this way. When he is being sweet and wonderful, my self doubt kicks in. Feels good to be able to get a grip on my life and my direction again.
When he's being sweet and wonderful . . . is he REALLY?? Or is he just trying to suck you back in? I wonder, because his "goal" seems to be to get you in bed by being sweet and wonderful. Not making amends or repairing the relationship. Just what it looks like to me.
My ex could turn me upside down and into jelly with his love talk. He knew just what to say, it's like he read me like a book and USED my vulnerability to get back in when I'd shut him out.
If their goal in sweet talking us is just to get what they want, how is that sweet and wonderful? More like manipulation and using, to me.
OMG, looking you up and down like a piece of meat. I want to puke FOR you, girl. Yuk.
On another note, man oh man, saying "OK" to him over and over was GREAT!!
Don't doubt yourself. The disease has this effect on us. Who else do you have to rely on but yourself? There's no mistake when you trust yourself, how can there be??
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU. I am I really am. You saw right through him, you knew what he wanted, and you didn't give it to him. I AM SO PROUD OF YOU. He owes you more than an apology at this point. I would've let loose my karate skills on him, myself. But you, GIRL! GO! WOW! Go treat yourself to a movie or something. CAUSE YOU'RE KICKING A**!
